The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant–04.23.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 04.23.12

Live from Detroit, MI

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

Tonight! A very special three hour show for some reason that’s not particularly clear.

Teddy Long hosts the official contract signing for Cena v. Brock, and introduces Cena as a “two time WWE champion and ten-time WWE champion.” Live TV! However, Big Johnny interrupts and points out that Brock isn’t here yet, so Cena needs to leave the ring. However, now Edge makes a surprise appearance, and he doesn’t even know who this John Cena is. You think you know him? Edge is PISSED that John is apparently scared of losing to Brock, and he needs to find the Cena of old who beat up on Edge in the past. He needs to beat Brock because Brock only loves money and not wrestling. Given that Cena has done nothing but crack jokes and smirk in between his beatings thus far, I didn’t find this a particularly convincing segment.

Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston

Instead of Twitter they are now pimping Facebook’s WWE page. Kofi clotheslines him to the floor off a dropkick and fakes a dive, then controls with an armbar in the ring. Jericho pounds him in the corner and grabs a headlock, but Kofi gets a back elbow for two. Jericho faceplants him to take over again, but misses a blind charge and lands on the floor. Kofi follows with a tope con hilo, and we take a break. Back with Jericho in control again, but Kofi rolls him up for two. Jericho slugs away and goes to a surfboard and gets the bulldog, but the Lionsault misses as usual. Kofi with a rana for two and he makes the comeback. Jericho cuts him off with a lariat for two. Kofi goes up with a crossbody, but Jericho rolls through for two. Kofi with the SOS for two. Boomdrop sets up the wacky kick, but Jericho catches it and tries the Walls. Kofi flips out of that and goes up, but lands in a codebreaker and Jericho finishes with the Walls at 11:33. Same basic match as they had on Smackdown the night before Wrestlemania weekend. It was fine, although the crowd was pretty bored for most of it. *** Jericho promises a gift for Punk later tonight.

Video package for Brock Lesnar, as they show him destroying Jeff Hardy at Backlash 2002. Nyuk nyuk.

Meanwhile, Big Johnny hires Eve as his executive assistant.

Another look at the Brock video from last week. Hey, we’ve got three hours to kill, why not?

Meanwhile, CM Punk gets a liquor basket from Chris Jericho.

Lord Tensai v. R-Truth

Truth fires away on Tensai to start, but Tensai puts him down with a shoulderblock and chokes him out in the corner. Butterfly suplex and senton set up the MEHSHUGGANATOR and GREEN CLAW OF DEATH at 1:54. OK, they put him over Cena and he’s still not over, it’s time to try something different. Plus he doesn’t even have a match on the PPV. ½* The logical thing would have been to put him over Santino here to actually make people invested in him.

Speaking of people being uninvested, Kane comes out to cut a promo against Randy Orton. They’re having a falls count anywhere match at the PPV, which of course differs greatly from the Extreme Rules and Chicago Street Fight matches also populating the show. Kane notes that Orton’s family is his weakness, so Orton pops onto the screen with a tied up and beaten Paul Bearer in the freezer. Kane laughs it off because he’s EVIL. So Orton comes out and brawls with Kane instead. And chases off the monster.

Alberto Del Rio & Cody Rhodes v Big Show & Great Khali

So they announce Big Show v. Cody Rhodes in yet another Wrestlemania rematch for the PPV, but the stipulation is “to be determined”. Sounds EXTREME! Khali goes after Cody’s knee to start and chases him out of the ring and it’s over to ADR. He gets nowhere and runs away as we take a break. Back with Show tossing Del Rio around, but Cody yanks him out of the ring and hurts the knee. Back in, the heels go to work on it as Cole clarifies that the stipulation will be determined on Sunday. Then why even bother having one? Do they think anyone even gives a shit about this match and/or cares if it’s a no countouts or submission match or whatever? The heels continue working on the knee and Cody gets a figure-four, but Show fights out. He fights off the heels by himself, and ADR has had enough of the match and walks out on it. Show finishes with the chokeslam at 10:00. Pretty dull stuff. *1/2

Meanwhile, Jericho meets with Big Johnny and accuses Punk of drinking booze in his dressing room, as Eve points out that WWE superstars are not allowed to consume alcohol within 12 hours of a show. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess Steve Austin was in violation of that every night for years, then. So Jericho wants Punk to take a field sobriety test later. This is so lame.

Meanwhile, Josh Matthews asks Brock Lesnar one stupid question too many and gets beat up for it.

Divas title: Beth Phoenix v. Nikki Bella

So is Nikki the one we’re supposed to be cheering for now? Because the twins are clearly back together in the ring. Eve comes out and makes this a lumberjack match for some reason. That’s the theme of the night – “for some reason”. Beth tosses Nikki around to start and slams her off the top for two. Backbreaker gets two and Beth goes to a surfboard as some of the random chicks at ringside pound the mat and pretend to give a shit. I know the feeling. Beth tosses Nikki and twists her ankle on the way out after her, and a big brawl erupts for some reason. Nikki rolls her up for the title at 4:03 for some reason. Oh my god, her contract is about to expire! IT’S THE SUMMER OF BELLA! ½*

Meanwhile, Teddy Long breaks the news of the sobriety test to CM Punk, who seems suspiciously drunk for a straight edge.

CM Punk comes out for his sobriety test, and if you can’t tell where this is going I don’t know what to say to you. So Punk does an exaggerated (but funny) drunk act, which leads the indy geeks dressed as cops to declare him legally intoxicated. So Punk has to forfeit the title to Jericho for some reason, but he was only FAKING. I regret to inform you that this ruse was ALSO A RUSE! He still screws up reciting the alphabet backwards, but keeps the title. Lame, lame, lame. This is supposed to make me want to see them fight for the title in a STREET FIGHT? Because Punk outwitted a moron and faked being drunk? Backstage, Big Johnny seethes like Dean Bitterman at having his clever plan foiled.

BROCKAMANIA! Back in 2002, Brock destroys Hulk Hogan. And they say Vince doesn’t care about TNA.

Sheamus v. Mark Henry

I really wish they’d find something to do with Henry. He’s not gonna be awesome forever. Daniel Bryan is the special referee here, which finally wakes up the crowd. Henry pounds on Sheamus until he comes back with shots of his own, prompting Bryan to break things up. Sheamus is MAD but can’t hit Bryan due to his probation, and Henry knocks Sheamus down for a super-fast pin at 1:33. Sheamus attacks him after the match, which would seem to be in violation of his terms, but Bryan lays him out and puts the YES LOCK on him.

Epico & Primo v. Zack Ryder & Santino

What happened to the Santino-Brodus team? They got bored of it already? Ryder controls Epico with armdrags and a flapjack. Broski boot, but Rosa distracts him and he ends up hitting the post as a result. Ryder plays geek-in-peril as Primo gets a chinlock. Primo misses a springboard senton, and it’s hot tag Santino. Cobra finishes Primo at 3:13. Some week the tag champions might win a match, I suppose. *

Meanwhile, Kane finally rescues Paul Bearer from the freezer…and then locks him in again.

Meanwhile, Abraham Washington makes his pitch to the tag champs, pointing out that they’re jokes. Yeah, that’ll get them over.

Brodus Clay & Hornswoggle v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

This is presented by Taco Bell, for some reason. Ziggler actually gets to sell a flying headscissors from the midget, and Clay comes in and destroys both heels, leading to Vickie coming in for the DQ at 1:54. This screwjob finish brought to you by Taco Bell! DUD

Brock Lesnar wins the WWE title from Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania 19 as the TNA burial continues.

Main Event Contract Signing, Take 2

This time, Cena won’t come out, so Brock negotiates with Big Johnny instead. Brock has DEMANDS. Johnny will have to run any decisions involving Brock through Brock. And he wants Vince’s private jet. And MONDAY NIGHT RAW STARRING BROCK LESNAR. Johnny agrees to all the ridiculous terms, so Brock signs the contract, and Cena’s music finally hits. Whose bright idea was it to have Brock Lesnar TALK for 20 minutes? Anyway, Cena comes out, they have the staredown, Cena backs down, and we’re out. That was a LONG show.

The Pulse

What a pointless use of a three-hour show. It wasn’t actively bad for the most part, but once we got to the tag champions jobbing to the jobbers and the midget biting Vickie on the ass (presented by TACO BELL!) I was just really ready for it to end already. Putting Brock on this show was a total waste of one of his appearances, because all the buys were sold two weeks ago and they only needed to do video packages from then on. On the bright side, I have to work really early tomorrow, so this was the perfect show to put me to sleep.