The SmarK RAW Rant–08.27.12

The SmarK RAW Rant – 08.27.12

Live from Milwaukee, WI, or “Green Bay” as R-Truth likes to call it.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler

Jerry Lawler heads into the ring to start, talking about his apology to CM Punk and subsequent attack by Punk. Now this week, he wants the apology. Punk comes out and he won’t apologize, and in fact the whole thing is Lawler’s fault because he was showing disrespect. And apparently all you have to do to get into the Hall of Fame is beat “a bunch of nobodies from Memphis” and get into a slap-fight with Andy Kaufman. OH TAG. Oh, and he couldn’t even beat Michael Cole at Wrestlemania. DOUBLE OH TAG. Lawler came here for an apology, not a fight, but Punk doesn’t want one because he’s the best in the world and would destroy the King. So King can either be embarrassed by the gigantic beatdown he’s going to get, or he’ll be embarrassed because he’s a coward who won’t fight. Now THIS is the kind of old-school awesome man-to-man promo I’ve been wanting to see again.

Jack Swagger v. Ryback

Ryback now has a crappy nu-metal version of his theme, so he must be for real. Ryback pounds on Swagger, but misses a charge and Swagger hits him with a slam and Swagger bomb. Ryback gets his knees up, but Swagger goes for the ankle, and Ryback easily escapes. Crowd chants for Goldberg while Ryback comes back and finishes poor Swagger with his lariat and samoan drop at 2:10. Perhaps they should consider throwing a couple of million at Goldberg so they can have him put Ryback over and nip this chant in the bud once and for all. Swagger has the dreaded losing streak gimmick, and that never ends well. ½*

Layla v. Natalya

Does it bother anyone else that Layla’s music has been changed to a song about how she’s “insatiable” and needs lots of men? Vickie comes out with an important announcement, but the ref ignores her and starts the match anyway. Nattie takes her down and they trade armdrags before Layla rolls her up for two. Bodypress gets two. Layla stops to dance for some reason and Nat bails, then blocks a baseball slide that Layla botches to take over. Back in, Layla escapes the Sharpshooter and rolls her up for two. High kick gets the pin at 2:42. * This result is so important that the women immediately disappear so that Vickie can cut her promo. The upshot is that AJ is abusing her power and Vickie should be GM again. This brings out AJ for an adorable attack.

Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan attends anger management class, but a kid in a goat mask sets him off.

Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler announces that he will in fact face CM Punk tonight. Well, duh.

John Cena v. The Miz

Of course this is non-title, because why would a main eventer care about the Intercontinental title? That would just be WACKY. Cena works a headlock for a while and we take a break, returning with Josh Matthews on commentary now to replace Lawler. Cena bulldogs Miz for two, and the ref gives us a nice Tommy Young moment by sliding out of the ring to count the fall. Miz comes back with the corner clothesline and flying axehandle for two, and we hit the chinlock. Miz with the neckbreaker for two. Low kick gets two. Another gets two. Another try, but Cena catches him with the STF, and Miz quickly makes the ropes. DDT gets two. The announcers talk incessantly about HHH during the match, ignoring the match. Miz counters the FU into another neckbreaker for two. Miz misses a charge and Cena makes the comeback and finishes with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM at 10:45. Why do we even have an Intercontinental title at this point? The champion always loses and no one cares about it. Match was fine time-filler, at least. **1/2

Your Twitter poll: What type of match is the main event going to be? Tables, cage or no-DQ. Gee, I wonder what people will choose?

Meanwhile, Kane shows up for the anger management session.

Heath Slater v. Santino Marella

Santino takes Slater down and schools him, so Slater wants a dance off. Slater uses the opportunity to clobber Santino to take over and the crowd immediately turns on the match. You go, Milwaukee. Cole harps on Slater’s losing streak, so you’ll note we now have two different heels on a losing streak gimmick. Santino comes back and preps the Cobra, but Aksana comes out and distracts the sock, and yet Slater is such a loser that he jobs to it anyway at 3:15. This was all incredibly awful. DUD They had a really fun thing going with the “Slater as Reverse Legend Killer” gimmick, and they just flushed it for no reason and turned him into another comedy jobber in a promotion already overstocked with them.

Brodus Clay & Sin Cara v. Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes

This has trainwreck written all over it. We’re joined in progress after a break, with Cody getting two on Cara. Sandow drops an elbow for two, but Cara gets the hot tag to Brodus. Powerslam gets two on Rhodes. Sin Cara gets rid of Sandow, and Rhodes runs into the headbutt and Brodus finishes with the splash at 2:20. I honestly don’t even remember the last time Cody won a match. This was fine for the 2 minutes it ran. *

Meanwhile, more hilarity ensues at the anger management class. Actually I take back my sarcasm because Kane calmly explaining his ridiculous backstory is pretty hilarious (“…and then I tombstoned the minister. And for some reason I have an unhealthy obsession with torturing Pete Rose.”) If they end up with Kane and Bryan as a demented tag team out of this…well that would be kind of awesome, actually.

R-Truth v. Daniel Bryan

Hey, maybe they will! Bryan struggles to control his anger, but the fans keep egging him on. Bryan stops to fist-bump Little Jimmy, and then attacks Truth, but misses a charge and gets clotheslined. Truth with a forearm for two as the announcers have a laughable conversation with Kofi about all the tag teams gunning for the belts. Yes, all two of them. Truth stops to clarify to the crowd that he knows they’re in Milwaukee this time, and Bryan gets goaded into yelling at the fans and gets counted out at 3:00. Nothing match. Oh, and it’s a THIRD heel in a losing streak gimmick tonight. ½*

COOHHH joins us after ENDLESS video packages and verbal blowjobs dedicated to him tonight. Aw, it’s like 2002 all over again. He’s got another boo-boo on his arm, hopefully much less complex than the last one, and the world wants to know if his time IN THIS BUSINESS is done. He notes that time is the one thing you can’t fight. Oh please, time jobbed to HHH at a house show in 2003 after two Pedigrees. But now he’s questioning himself, and whether he can come back and kick Brock’s ass. Um, didn’t Brock quit last week anyway? It was on Tout! You can’t take that shit back! But it doesn’t matter, because HHH has decided to retire. Well, that’s a shame. The crowd buys into this “retirement”, apparently having never watched wrestling more than once in their lives. Did we really need to dedicate every other segment for two hours to HHH’s career? Can we just skip to the entire roster coming out to suck HHH’s dick in succession and spare us the annoyance of sitting through his 20 minute “retirement” speech?

Dolph Ziggler & Alberto Del Rio v. Randy Orton & Sheamus

Orton hits Ziggler with a slingshot suplex and powerslam, but Dolph bails to escape and we take a break. Back with Del Rio beating on Orton, and Ziggler dropping an elbow for two. The heels work him over with armbars, but Orton dumps ADR and makes the hot tag to Sheamus. He runs wild on Ziggler and hits the backbreaker for two, but Del Rio saves. Ziggler gets the case, but (say it with me), the Brogue Kick finishes Ziggler at 7:47. Another day, another Ziggler job. **

Meanwhile, Lawler doesn’t want help from John Cena tonight.

Zack Ryder v. David Otunga

Wow, this is what we’ve come to in the third hour? Otunga clotheslines him for two with Kane on commentary, which chases away Josh and leaves Cole standing a few feet away. Otunga with a suplex for two. Zack makes the comeback, but goes up and gets tripped up by Otunga. Roughrider finishes at 2:24, however. Oh man, Otunga just lost to Zack Ryder…that’s like the lowest form of jobber you can be. ½* Kane spares Ryder this time and chokeslams Otunga instead.

Steel cage match: CM Punk v. Jerry Lawler

Punk offers Lawler the first shot in a nod to the Kaufman match, so Lawler decks him. Punk immediately backs off like a weasel heel, because FUCK YOU if you don’t want to boo CM Punk, the writers say. Punk quickly takes over with an endless chinlock, then beats him down and adds the low dropkick. Punk goes for a neckbreaker, but King shoves him off and makes the comeback and runs him into the cage a few times, and Punk actually BLEEDS. Punk shrugs off the comeback regardless of the blood, and hits him with a Rock Bottom into the Anaconda Vice to finish at 7:32. Man, I was pretty interested to see this match three hours ago, but by the time we got here I had lost that interest, and then the match fucking sucked too. ½* OK, so Punk’s a whiny heel who beat up Jerry Lawler, so please boo him now so that they don’t have to progress to actually having him kill puppies in the ring in order to get heel heat.

The Pulse

OK, THAT was the worst show of the three hour era, with one intriguing segment at the beginning and then a SHITLOAD of filler and meaningless matches. Like really, TWO different tag matches where it’s just the current programs mashed together? And THREE losing streak gimmicks on the same show? Four if you count Santino’s stupid fucking sock, I suppose. And it’s only gonna get worse. Although Kane at anger management class was pretty awesome, so there’s that.

This makes me take back whatever bad things I said about Impact last Thursday.