The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–01.24.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 01.24.13

Taped from Orlando, FL

Your hosts are Todd Keneley & Mike Tenay and featuring EVIL TAZ. Maybe Taz heeling on Keneley all these weeks was foreshadowing?

Meanwhile, the Aces & Eights celebrate their ruination of a beautiful wedding ceremony by riding bikes. Also, the show has a new opening showcasing wrestlers doing the wrestling and stuff. The Aces join us in the ring so that Taz can explain why he STABBED US IN THE BACK. And oh god, now he’s talking about a HIGHER POWER that he answers to. Great, another angle they can provide a disappointing payoff to. On the bright side, we FINALLY get a promo from someone sort of explaining what they’re after, so there’s that.

Meanwhile, Jesse uses a Velvet Sky action figure to motivate Tara. Jesse continues to be unreasonably great in this role.

Meanwhile, Christopher Daniels fields questions about his title match tonight, and Kaz has a backstage pass that actually says “Manager Extraordinaire.”

Knockouts title: Tara v. Velvet Sky

Velvet has thankfully ditched the catsuit and reverted to her former ring gear. Velvet gets a rollup from behind for two, and she tries a headlock and manages to fuck that up. Velvet with clotheslines and a legsweep to send Tara running, and we take a break. Back with Velvet hitting a crossbody for two, but Tara blocks a monkeyflip and gets two. Tara with a standing moonsault for two. Tara goes to the chinlock and throws Sky around by the hair, but gets slammed off the top. Sky makes the comeback wih whatever her finisher is supposed to be, but Jesse distracts the ref. Velvet with a rollup for two, but Jesse trips her up and Tara falls on top for the pin to retain at 9:30. Velvet is totally unconvincing in everything she does in the ring, but luckily Tara crafted a match by herself more or less. **

Meanwhile, Kenny King offers advice to Zema Ion.

Joseph Park joins us, and although he didn’t get “The W” as “the boys” call it, he’s not giving up. So next week, he’ll be in the UK for Open Fight Night. He doesn’t wanna kayfab us, but he’s gonna watch footage and take notes and find a suitable opponent.

Kenny King & Zema Ion v. Rob Van Dam & Christian York

It’s a little late to start calling York “the future of the X Division” isn’t it? Ion gets beat up by the babyfaces to start and York dropkicks him in the neck, followed by a Van Dam monkeyflip where Ion tries to do the Ziggler bump off it. Ion bails while King gets the cheapshot on RVD, and the heels take over. Ion pounds away and goes up, only to miss a 450, allowing York to take the hot tag. He puts King down with a knee for two and it’s BONZO GONZO. King and York fight to the floor while Rob goes to finish Ion, but King drops RVD on the top rope to break it up. Ion sends Rob to the railing, and King hits York with a Buff Blockbuster, giving Ion the pin at 5:04. Standard tag match with a hot finishing sequence. **1/2 Quick thought: York needs to develop his submission skills and come up with a move called THE DREADLOCK. I’m convinced that’s the key to his success.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle meets up with his totally trustworthy allies Wes Brisco & Garrett Bischoff, and Samoa Joe is like “I gotta talk to you about something later.” Wow, someone might not be a total idiot after all.

Bully Ray & Brooke Hogan, (who I’m guessing are NOT married according to the statutes of wrestling weddings, which say that even if you’ve signed the marriage certificate and said the vows, someone attacking the wedding party invalidates the ceremony) join us so that Bully can rage against Aces & Eights. He will kill them all in their sleep and he won’t sleep himself until he kicks all of their asses. He pleads with Hogan to lift the suspension, even though he knows Hulk isn’t there because he doesn’t do taped shows. This brings out Sting, who seems to think that Bully and Brooke actually are married, so maybe they got a special dispensation from the wrestling gods. Bully is great because this storyline makes no sense and no one cares about the heels, but Bully MAKES YOU believe he cares because he’s so passionate about it. I don’t care if the storyline is shit, but make me buy into it!

Bobby Roode v. Hernandez

This was set up by Roode & Aries each passive-aggressively trying to duck out of the match, and Roode losing that battle. Roode attacks and stomps him down in the corner, but Hernandez hits him with a delayed suplex, and it’s a LONG one. Roode comes back to take over and drops elbows and a knee for two. To the chinlock, but Hernandez fights back with the flying shoulderblock and backbreaker drop. The Pounce sends Roode to the floor and Hernandez follows with the dive attempt, but Aries runs down and pulls Roode out of the path of destruction. This prompts a brawl on the floor and somehow Roode gets a bulldog on Hernandez for the pin at 5:48. Roode & Aries continue bickering after the win, and Roode LEAVES HIM HANGING on a high five. Not cool, bro. Match was alright. **1/4

Kurt Angle is also here to talk about Aces & Eights, much like everyone else tonight. Specifically, he wants Mr. Anderson, who is now turning into the car expert from Pawn Stars before our very eyes. Either that or 2000 era Undertaker. Without the workrate and commitment to better himself in the ring. Anyway, Angle wants a cage match NEXT WEEK.

Meanwhile, Devon tells Anderson to chill out and fuck a stripper or something.

TNA World title: Jeff Hardy v. Christopher Daniels

The Bellator Clock only gives us about 15 minutes of airtime left, so it probably won’t be all it could be. Hardy works the headlock and takes Daniels down with a headscissors, but misses the mule kick in the corner. Daniels tosses him and stops to celebrate with MANAGER EXTRAORDINAIRE Kazarian as we take a break. Back with Daniels in control with a backdrop suplex with a clothesline to the back of the head for two. He stomps Hardy down and gets a neckbreaker for two, and we hit the chinlock. Hardy fires back to make the comeback and hits his legdrop deal for two. Daniels misses a charge and Jeff splashes him for two. Daniels gets a death valley driver for two, into the KOJI KLUTCH, but Hardy makes the ropes. To the top, where Hardy fights off a rana and gets a front superplex instead, for two. This time Daniels is he who is in the ropes. Daniels reverses the Twist into the Angel’s Wings for two. BME misses and Hardy also misses the Whisper, and Daniels gets two. Another Wings is countered by Hardy, into the Twist of Fate, and another one sets up the swanton to finish at 14:32. Daniels was never a serious threat here, but it was an entertaining match with good chemistry and I kind of wish they did switch the title for something different. ***1/4 The Aces do the beatdown on Hardy afterwards, so that he’s unable to make the UK tour that he coincidentally can’t do for legal reasons anyway. Hardy’s selling of a hammer to the knee is less than convincing, but then he’s probably built up a wall of painkillers in his system over the years anyway. Although I will say that they should keep the belt on Hardy until they find the guy in Aces & Eights to be the Hollywood Hogan analog that can take the belt off him and make the annoying little girls cry when he loses it. I kind of hope it’s Bully Ray.

The Pulse

The treadmill of TNA booking continues, although the Aces angle at least FEELS like it’s going somewhere now, with something of a mission statement from Taz, an endgame with the Higher Power nonsense, and an impassioned promo from Bully. All the matches were decent – good as well, so that’s a thumbs up from this end.