The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.21.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.21.13

Taped from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz

Bully Ray explains his EVIL PLAN for us, as losing to Jeff Hardy at No Surrender was apparently Plan A going badly, so the Brooke deal was Plan B. We get a series of video packages throughout the show following this, recapping the entire Aces & Eights angle. On one hand, BARF. On the other, that’s a pretty handy way to catch up newer viewers with the last eight months or so. Makes me realize I’ve actually been sticking with this show for a long-ass time now.

Hulk Hogan joins us, and he wants to thank Samoa Joe, Magnus, Jeff Hardy, and Kurt Angle for taking the lead against the Aces last week. Only they can rescue the TNA World title from the clutches of Bully Ray, which is of course dripping with irony coming from the guy who used to spraypaint the most historic belt in wrestling…uh…history. So anyway, tonight it’s a four-way for the title, brother.

TNA World tag titles: Bobby Roode & Austin Aries v. Hernandez & Chavo Guerrero

Roode gets trapped in the LAX corner and double-teamed to start, and Hernandez gets a splash for two. Aries saves things for the Dirty Heels, however, catching Hernandez in the corner with chops to set up a double suplex. Which Hernandez casually reverses. Over to Chavo as we take a break. Back with Aries hitting a dive on Chavo to get two. Roode hits the chinlock, but Chavo fights up and escapes with a tornado DDT, setting up the hot tag to Hernandez. He tosses the heels around and then goes to the ramp for a reversed MEXICAN OUTTA CONTROL dive into the ring, which is a much safer way to do it. Shoulderblock puts Roode on the floor, but Aries takes Hernandez to the floor with a rana. Back in, brainbuster for Chavo (complete with shakes) is reversed into the Three Amigos. Bad Influence runs in, however, and pushes Chavo off the top to give Aries the fluke pin at 11:40 to retain. And then they lay out the champs to set up the AWESOMEST FEUD EVER. Good, standard tag match here. **3/4

X title: Kenny King v. Sonjay Dutt v. Zema Ion

So apparently the X title is only defended in three-ways now. Dutt gets a crazy double rana to put the other guys on the floor, but King comes back with a dive onto Ion and gets two. Leg lariat follows, but Dutt breaks it up and goes up, only to get shoved to the ramp by King. King puts Ion out as well, but walks into a tornado DDT. Dutt comes flying in with a headscissors, then hits both guys with a moonsault press to the floor as well. Back in, the DOUBLE STOMP OF DOOM hits Ion, but King nails the Buff Blockbuster and steals the win at 5:00. This apparently eliminates Dutt from the X division, which is the total opposite of awesome. Fun match. **1/2

Sting wants a piece of Bully Ray tonight, so Hogan tells him to go sit in the rafters. Angry Hulk is pretty cool.

Taryn Terrell joins us, and as a referee she’s supposed to CONTROL chaos and not CREATE it, so she’s ready to take her medicine. Gail Kim is excited about Taryn getting her punishment, but Brooke Hogan comes out and fires Taryn as a ref, then signs her as a wrestler, and the women fight back to the dressing room. This brings out Bully Ray, looking more genuinely menacing in the Aces gear than any of the other scrubs in the gang. Brooke wisely retreats, lest she get overwhelmed by Bully’s heel awesomeness and fall in love with him all over again.

Matt Morgan v. Joseph Park

Morgan of course casually throws Park around the ring with ease until he misses a charge, allowing Park to briefly unleash some fisticuffsmanship before getting smacked down again. Morgan misses another move and Joe tries to go up for the LEGAL EAGLE SPLASH (OK, I made that name up), but that tragically misses and the big boot finishes at 5:12. That was way too long for what they were trying to do. *

AJ Styles is out to presumably talk about what’s up with him, including RUMORS of drug use and alcohol abuse. Maybe now he can reconcile with Claire Lynch? Taz makes a pitch on behalf of the Aces, but this brings out James Storm, who is deeply offended at being clotheslined last week. And then they just kind of go nowhere with it, as AJ walks away without speaking. Well, that Sting rafter deal in 1997 did draw a lot of money.

Samoa Joe v. Kurt Angle v. Jeff Hardy v. Magnus

Joe gets rid of Hardy and Magnus and beats on Angle with a senton for two, then tosses him out and onto Jeff. He follows with a dive onto all three guys and we take a break. Back with Joe and Magnus busting out the double-teams on Angle before turning on each other. Magnus takes over on Hardy for a bit and stomps him down in the corner. Magnus with the Michinoku Driver on Joe for two, but Hardy comes back with Twists of Fate on everyone. He goes up and Angle distracts him long enough for Magnus to bring him down, but now Angle is the suplex machine. Anklelock for Joe, and Hardy steals the win with a swanton on the fallen Joe at 12:10. Oh yay, another #1 contendership for Jeff Hardy. Hard work from everyone here, though, with a really hot finish. ***1/4

The Pulse

Man, the guys who cut together the Aces packages actually made it seem like a logically-built and compelling storyline. Too bad it took NINE MONTHS to tell it. Oh well, I had no beef with this show, a fine two hours of professional wrestling action that all made sense and featuring nothing bad.