The SmarK RAW Rant–03.18.13

 

The SmarK RAW Rant – 03.18.13

Live from Pittsburgh, PA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

John Cena is out to talk about how focused on Wrestlemania he is, but the Primetime Players interrupt, and tonight the part of Titus O’Neil is being played by Rufus “Pancake” Patterson, which in itself sounds like a name some poor geek in developmental would get. Cena is so amused by Titus’ stupid act that he lets them continue, and “Rufus” points out that his nephew Darren looks like John Cena, so therefore he should be on the cover of Cocoa Pebbles. And Cena has had enough and challenges Young RIGHT NOW. Well at least it’s better than this insipid promo. Seriously, Rufus Patterson?

John Cena v. Darren Young

Young runs away immediately and we take a break, and return with Cena pointing at the sign and finishing Young at 3:50. Literally 30 seconds of that “match” was actually aired.

David Otunga v. Ryback

I have to say, the one time where they’d be totally justified in crowing about their movie’s success and they totally have Michael Cole underplay it and then squash Otunga. I have no idea how their mindset works. So yeah, Ryback gets a couple of spinebusters and finishes with the usual at 1:30. So this brings out Mark Henry, along with Teddy Long and Vickie, who takes Ryback out of the six-man at Wrestlemania and books him against Henry instead. See, that’s exactly why the GM concept is so useless now: Instead of Ryback challenging Henry because he’s a MAN and he’s PISSED OFF, we have to get Vickie to book the match on his behalf.

And then they do a video drop-in for Brock-HHH, but Lawler’s music plays for some reason. This is gonna be one of those shows…

Fandango premieres…next!

Fandango v. Great Khali

The show continues dying before it even gets started, as Fandango gets an elaborate dance-hall themed entrance and pyro, and then runs away from Khali. This has gone past “tiresome” and into its own universe of suck.

R-Truth v. Damien Sandow

Sandow attacks and drops a knee for two, then cuts off a comeback with a clothesline and follows with a snap suplex for two. Knees into a legsweep sets up the ELBOW OF DISDAIN, which gets two. Truth makes the comeback and gets the leg lariat and axe kick while Cole & Lawler engage in some of the most idiotic commentary, and then Sandow walks out of the match at 3:40. Holy god is this a terrible show tonight. ½*

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn breaks up with Cody Rhodes after their whirlwind one week romance, or something.

Undertaker is out and he wants the urn back, but Punk answers on the Titantron doing his Paul Bearer impression and juggling the urn. Anyone who thinks that Punk has any kind of a chance after all this, I don’t know what to tell you. But either way, this feud is just not clicking.

Kane & Daniel Bryan v. Primo & Epico

The champs take turns on Primo, as Bryan throws the kicks in the corner for two before Epico comes in. He hits Bryan with a knee to the back from behind for two, and the Colons take over with double-teams. Epico with the surfboard and a clothesline for two, and he goes to the chinlock as this match may be the most boring thing ever. Not even just wrestling matches, but life in general. Finally, it’s hot tag Kane and he goes up with the flying clothesline, but AJ interrupts and skips around the ring. Kane chokeslams and pins a Colon at 6:05 anyway. *

Meanwhile, it’s the epic confrontation we’ve all been awaiting for Wrestlemania: Chris Jericho meets Fandango! Jericho came back for THIS?

Alberto Del Rio v. Cody Rhodes

Del Rio has newer, babyface-ier music that still doesn’t get him over worth a damn. Cody actually gets some offense for once, dropping a knee in the corner before walking into a faceplant and low kick that gets two for ADR. Cody with a suplex for two and he dodges a charging Del Rio. ADR comes back and dropkicks Cody off the apron as we take a break. Back with Cody stomping Del Rio down and hitting a front suplex for two. Cody works on the knee, but Del Rio blocks a superplex and both guys are out. Del Rio with the head kick for two, but Cody comes back with a moonsault press for two. Cole here notes that Del Rio is setting up for his “patented” move, the “cross-armbreaker”. Isn’t that like someone doing a “patented” move they call the bodyslam? And Del Rio gets his patented move for the submission at 13:24. That was a lot of match for not a lot of result. ** Jack Swagger comes out for the attack afterwards and breaks Ricardo’s ankle, but he’s still not over.

Booker T gets inducted into the Hall of Fame. Even with two strikes? What if he fails a piss test before the ceremony?

Randy Orton & Sheamus v. 3MB

The babyfaces work Drew over to start and Sheamus slingshots in for two. Sheamus gets distracted by Jinder and Slater takes over in the corner, setting up a big boot from Drew for two. Slater with a superkick for two, but Sheamus makes the hot tag and Orton finishes Heath with an RKO at 3:44. * The Shield tries to attack, but Big Show runs out to even things up.

Kofi Kingston v. Dolph Ziggler

Dolph works a headlock, but Kofi comes back with an elbow and goes up, only to fall down as Ziggler takes over. Kofi comes back with a springboard splash for two and the boomdrop, but Dolph bails. Big E gets his cheapshot on Kofi and the Zig Zag finishes at 4:31. The winning streak continues! ** Afterwards, Team Hell No challenges Team Biggler to a tag title match at Wrestlemania.

Intercontinental title: Wade Barrett v. The Miz v. Chris Jericho

Jericho cleans house to start and hits Barrett with a dropkick in the ring for two. Miz sneaks in with a sunset flip for two and follows with the corner clothesline, but goes up and gets pounded. Barrett tries a superplex, but Jericho brings them down with a tower of doom spot and we take a break. Back with Barrett chinlocking Jericho, who comes back with a bodypress for two. Miz pulls Jericho out of the ring, but walks into the bossman slam, which gets two. Miz with the figure-four, but Jericho lionsaults him for two. He dumps Miz and puts Barrett into the Walls, but Miz saves, so Jericho rolls him up for two. Codebreaker, but Barrett steals the two count on Miz. Jericho gets rid of Barrett and gets two on Miz again, but Miz gets the DDT for two. Jericho gets rid of Barrett again, but walks into a big boot from Miz that gets two. Jericho with a small package for two, but the SKF follows, and Barrett gets the cheap rollup on Miz to retain at 13:18. This was the one-man show from Jericho, who gets bumped down to putting Fandango over as a reward. ***1/4

Main Event Contract Signing: HHH has his showdown with Paul Heyman, who names some stipulations that will not be in the mix, like “winner gets Stephanie”. This is enough to prompt an attack from the COO and somehow this gets even more boring, and even Brock’s appearance can’t save the segment. It’s CHAIR v. SLEDGEHAMMER, but Brock backs off and Heyman reveals the stipulation: NO HOLDS BARRED. Wow, just like every other Wrestlemania main match in the last 20 years or so. There was literally no reaction to this. Also, HHH’s career is on the line. There was literally even less reaction to that. So yeah, he’s coming out of retirement to put his career on the line! Oh my god, what if he loses? He might never not wrestle again!

The Pulse

I may have to revise my official prediction of this Wrestlemania breaking the 1.24 million buy record. Maybe they’ll just keep playing that same Cena-Rock video every week until it hits 700,000, I dunno.