The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–05.23.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 05.23.13

Live(-ish, sorta) from Tampa, FL

You hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz

Nice to see TNA offering good wishes to those hit by the tornado, whereas WWE offers nothing. Unless it’s a charity that they’re sponsoring that month, of course

Hulk Hogan starts us out, and he wants us to know that he’s disgusted with AJ’s apparent decision to join the Aces, and he brings out Sting to let him know that Bully isn’t the boss of him and Sting doesn’t have to honor the stips if he doesn’t want to. That’s actually an interesting tact, as usually self-made stipulations are regarded as magically binding. You don’t often get the authority figure saying “Hey, feel free to change your mind if you want.” All this brings out Brooke, who is still full of angst and regret. Bully is out bringing the awesome (“Take your hands off my wife!”) and he’s never taking that wedding ring off. Ever. He still loves her, you see.

Petey Williams v. Joey Ryan v. SUICIDE

Even the mysterious masked man has a Twitter account. Ryan gets tossed and Suicide takes Petey down with a headscissors, but Petey puts him on the floor. Joey stops to oil his chest, but Suicide comes back in with a top rope rana. We get a cool spot with Suicide holding Ryan in an indian deathlock while putting Petey in an abdominal stretch. Ryan & Petey fight to the floor and Suicide hits them with a dive, a suicide dive if you will, but Petey pops back in with a codebreaker on Ryan. Suicide cradles Ryan for two, but Petey tries the Destroyer on him, which Ryan breaks up. Suicide comes back with a neckbreaker on Ryan and finishes with a wheelbarrow into double knees at 4:00. Obviously Joey was just there to do the job, but he hung in there pretty good outside of his comedy spots. Short, but all action. **1/2

Meanwhile, Chris Sabin wants to be James Storm’s mystery partner, but Storm doesn’t want to rob him of the chance to be X champion and then cash in for the World title (is that still a thing?!) and so politely declines.

Meanwhile, Bully still loves Brooke. WHY CAN’T THESE CRAZY KIDS JUST WORK THINGS OUT ALREADY?

Meanwhile, Mickie tries to talk Velvet into sitting out the match tonight, with the unspoken implication being that she’s going to turn heel and wreck her knee. Although the phrasing made it sound like Mickie wanted to take her virginity or try some weird sex position or something.

Sam Shaw v. Alex Silva

Doesn’t happen, as the Aces & Eights reveal that they put Silva out beforehand, and a beatdown follows. Magnus makes the save because Shaw is his friend and it’s PERSONAL now, and it’s on.

Magnus v. Wes Brisco

Magnus kicks the shit out of him and gutwrenches him, and Brisco wisely bails as we take a break. Back with Brisco chinlocking Magnus and pounding on him. Magnus comes back and gets a delayed suplex before going up, but the other Aces run in for the DQ at 7:43. Nothing match. *1/2 Another beatdown follows, but now it’s Samoa Joe making the save, which I’m assuming sets up Joe/Magnus v. Brischoff at the PPV. So that’s all fine.

Kurt Angle v. Mr. Anderson

We’re JIP after a break, and Angle is stomping Anderson down in the corner. Angle suplex gets two. Blind charge misses and Anderson takes over and works on the arm. A hammerlock slam gets two and Anderson stays on the armbar, but Angle comes back with a belly to belly for two. Anderson with the Lambeau Leap for two. Angle with the rolling germans, but Anderson hits the mic check for two. Anderson goes up and Angle brings him down with the pop up superplex and the STRAPS ARE DOWN. This brings AJ Styles out of the dumpster he was living in this week, and Anderson goes low for the pin at 8:03 aired. Still no decision from AJ, of course. **1/2

Meanwhile, Gail Kim bitches about Mickie getting the title shot, and gets ambushed by Taryn and her tiny pants as a result.

James Storm is out to announce his tag partner, but Roode & Aries interrupt first. Then Bad Influence interrupts that interruption and everyone is calling each other dummies. So this brings out Storm’s partner…Shark Boy?! However, this proves to be premature, as Robbie E comes out to announce his partnership instead. After spitballing some names for their team, an unrecognizable Gunner returns from exile with a giant beard and cleans house, and that’s Storm’s choice. OK then. The Shark Boy Austin stuff was kind of funny, but Gunner as Storm’s partner is a huge letdown.

Meanwhile, Sting explains to Joseph Park what “strap” means and why it’s a good thing, and tries to broker a deal with Abyss via Park. Joseph plays dumb, and Sting mumbles about getting kayfabbed. So next week it’s Sting and one of the members of the Park family against the Aces.

Knockouts Title: Velvet Sky v. Mickie James

They trade wristlocks as Tenay points out that Sky has been champion for four months. THAT is how decompressed this TV show has become. It’s like Brian Michael Bendis is on the booking team now. They slug it out and Mickie takes her down with a terrible looking full nelson slam as we take a break. Back with Velvet armdragging out of a wristlock and making the comeback while occasionally remembering to sell the horribly injured knee. They do a ridiculous looking reversal sequence where it looks like Velvet forgot what she was supposed to be doing, and Mickie pounds on her in the corner. Possibly in frustration over what a shitty worker Velvet is. Velvet gets the spinning headscissors, but now she once again randomly remembers that her knee is hurt, and Mickie takes out the knee. A shity looking DDT gives Mickie the title again at 9:11. This was AWFUL, as they blew everything left and right. -* Insert Velvet Sky joke here. Actually, I’d probably bump this up to DUD because of all the gratuitous ODB cleavage shots. Still no heel turn for Mickie.

Meanwhile, the big mean bikers keep abusing poor D-Lo.

Main Event Patching Ceremony: Bully Ray and the troops are out to induct AJ Styles. AJ asks for Mr. Anderson to do the honors by putting the jacket on him, but Kurt Angle interrupts. Kurt is disgusted, but AJ puts the jacket on anyway. And he even bashes Angle’s knee in with a hammer to seal the deal…and then turns on the Aces before leaving alone. Well that would have been more heroic had he not smashed a hammer into Angle’s knee first.

The Pulse

The show started fun and then kind of died once we got to James Storm picking his tag partner, and the less said about Mickie v. Velvet the better. And it feels like they’re trying to rip off the Sting v. nWo storyline from 1997 without really understanding why Sting was so mad at everyone in the first place. Sting was upset because everyone distrusted him without reason, and he was actually innocent. Styles is clearly being kind of a whiny dickwad here, and HE HIT A DUDE IN THE KNEE WITH A HAMMER, and I don’t really get if I’m supposed to be cheering him or what.