So, when
last we left our heroes, Superman was off to the Fortress of Solitude for
recovery time. With Parallax joining up
with LexCorp and the rest of the Justice League nowhere to be found, it’s up to
a small hero to step up and protect the Universe. Okay, I’m stretching the DC to WWE analogy
here, but the point is: Daniel Bryan is the hero we deserve right now. But, against the McMahons, is he the hero we
need?
Tonight: Rob
Van Dam faces Alberto Del Rio and CM Punk faces Curtis Axel in a WWE App Match. I’m a little surprised we’re getting these on
Raw instead of the next Pay-Per-View, in which both Del Rio and Axel, as
champion, are obligated to show up.
- The
Rated-PG Rant for Monday Night Raw, August 26, 2013.
- Live from
Phoenix.
- And we
open with HHH, who once again has Shield as his bodyguards. Which makes me wonder: the one time it makes
sense for them to try to surround the ring, they’re all facing the same
way. Does that make sense to anyone
else? Some of the fans visibly didn’t
get the memo of HHH’s heel turn. HHH
takes us down Memory Lane to SummerSlam.
He insists that the double title switch is just business. Then we see the ending of last week’s
Raw. Cole fills a plot hole from last
week: all of the roster just watched because they were afraid for their
jobs. Last week was personal,
though. And now, the motive: it’s all
Bryan’s fault. Maybe if Bryan hadn’t
insulted Stephanie this wouldn’t have happened.
But HHH is willing to let it all slide and just do business. On another note, ratings went up from last
week, and it’s all because of Orton.
(Well, so says HHH, anyway.)
Enter Orton to… well, some cheers, actually. Is it time to get nervous? For the record, the Orton/Bryan rematch is at
Night of Champions. HHH heaps the praise
on Orton, then offers a reward. Finally,
the crowd catches on to their role and begins a NO! chant. Orton gets a new car for being champ,
supposedly rom HHH’s pocketbook. Orton
thanks HHH for trusting in him… and here comes Bryan. He points out how awesome the car is, then
mocks the shortcut Orton took. Bryan
thanks the crowd for supporting him, John Cena for choosing him, and – here comes
the snark – HHH for being Just Like Vince.
Bryan calls HHH a sellout and plays the big nose card. Orton demands respect for HHH and
himself. Bryan is absolutely killing it
with the sarcasm. Bryan promises to win
the gold at Night of Champions. Great
way to end the segment… but we don’t, because HHH needs to be condescending and
patronizing. And guess what: it matters
who you are. Bryan’s been demoted to
B. Tonight, Bryan faces the Shield in a
gauntlet match – Rollins, Ambrose, and Reigns, in that order. It’s just business, he insists. And NOW we end the segment. Honestly, I could’ve lived without HHH’s
disgusting talk-down. He could’ve just
set the match. That said, this ought to
be a fun match tonight.
- Your WWE
App choices: Heyman banned from ringside; Heyman as referee; if Punk wins, he
gets five minutes with Heyman. You gotta
admit, they’re good at forcing the fans’ hand.
- Cody
Rhodes v. Fandango. Damien Sandow is on
commentary. We look back at Fandango’s
interference in Miz/Barrett last week.
Chain wrestling to start, but Fandango takes the advantage in the coorner
only to get hit with a back elbow and front suplex. Fandango retreats to the apron and kicks
Rhodes… and Fandango’s music starts again?
Ah, it’s Miz as Fandango. With
Rosa Mendes, who was available. Rhodes
rolls Fandango up for the pin at 1:08.
The inevitable two on two brawl breaks out, and faces clean house. And here’s Maddox to make the tag match. (I believe that requires a sip and a HOLLA in
the WWE Drinking Game.)
- Cody
Rhodes and the Miz v. Fandango and Damien Sandow. Joined in progress with Rhodes as
face-in-peril. Sandow drops a knee for
one. Fandango enters and does a
cross-corner whip on Rhodes. Sandow back
in with a headbutt and elbow for two. He
works Rhodes’ arm. Russian legsweep and
Cubito Aequet follow for two. Blind
charge misses into a double clothesline as the commentary drops VMA jokes. Hot tag Miz, who comes in off the top and
follows with a kneelift and big boot. Through-the-ropes
corner clothesline by Miz, Fandango’s disposed of, and rollup follows for
two. Miz with the hamstring dropkick to
Sandow and he teases the figure-four as Fandango quits the match. Rhodes trips Sandow, and the Skull Crushing
Finale ends it at 3:03. Call the whole
thing 3/4*. But Fandango gets to dance. Miz is not impressed.
- Los
Matadores video. So I guess the switch
of Rosa to Miz will be to give her something to do. Hey, if she enjoys working and wants to be
better, good for her. And allow me to be
the 1,000th person to make the Aldo Montoya joke.
- Christian
is asked about HHH. That basically sums
up everything I don’t like about Raw.
Christian talks about having been in the McMahon/Helmsley Era, but Orton
interrupts, reads his mind, and reminds the world he lost at SummerSlam. Orton will face Christian tonight. Orton is HHH’s new tool, don’t you know. Well, that escalated quickly.
- Meanwhile,
CM Punk (who is apparently the only person who doesn’t care about HHH) says he
wants to fight Heyman.
- Curtis
Axel assures Heyman there’s nothing to worry about. “You believe in me, right, Paul?”
- Curtis
Axel v. CM Punk. Hey, what a shock, Punk
will get Heyman if he wins. The crowd is
now HUGELY behind Punk. Headlockery to
start, as Punk controls. Punk with a
headlock, twist into a rollup for one, and Axel avoids GTS to bail
outside. Punk then says “screw this” and
goes for Heyman, allowing Axel to attack from behind and bring him back to the
ring. Back in, Axel stomps away as
Heyman walks closer. A slam and
axehandle follow for two, and we go TO THE CHINLOCK. Punk fights out and get the kneelift and
short-arm clothesline for two. Heyman’s
position on the ramp is almost a momentum meter. Punk to the top, but Axel again bails. Punk dives onto him from the inside as we take
a break. We return with Punk chopping
away on Axel as Heyman’s all the way on the stage. Axel with a Northern lariat for two. Dropkick by Axel gets two. Axel shows off to Heyman’s approval, but Punk
recovers enough to kick away. Axel trips
him and goes for a slingshot, but Punk leaps off with a crossbody for one. Saito suplex by Axel after a big kick gets
two. A second one leaves Punk down, but
the big cutter misses and Punk with a swinging neckbreaker for two. To the top, and the Savage Elbow (or
Heartbreak Elbow) gets two. Remember,
Punk: Savage tucked it in, Shawn thrust it out.
GTS try, but Axel slides out and gets the McGillicutter for two. Axel takes forever to pick Punk up, and it’s
a GTS out of nowhere for the pin at 10:53.
Axel’s improving thanks to Punk. **3/4
Heyman runs for the exit, but the referees force him in. Crowd starts a YES chant for Punk, who chases
Heyman to the back, but security forces Heyman in.
- CM Punk v.
Paul Heyman. Heyman begs for mercy, but
Axel – still in the ring – delivers a low blow.
And NOW Heyman’s ready to fight.
Axel cuffs Punk’s hands behind his back – that must’ve been a hell of a
low blow – and it’s time to humiliate Punk.
One small problem: Punk roundhouse kicks Axel, and Heyman gets his ass
kicked – until Axel returns with a chair to stop it. Crowd is eating this shit up. Axel finds a Singapore cane, hands it off to
Heyman, and the caning begins. Punk: “Make
it count, you son of a bitch.” Heyman: “I
LOVED YOU! I MARTYRED MYSELF FOR
YOU! I FATHERED YOU! I CARED ABOUT YOU!” Wow, this is getting a little
uncomfortable. Announcers are letting it
play out. Axel sends Punk to the
announce table. Axel: “You learn your
lesson!” Heyman looks like Colonel
Kurtz. More caning follows as this is
going on just a little too long. Heyman:
“YOU BROKE MY HEART!” The crowd turns on
the segment at that moment. Sometimes
less is more, WWE. And here’s the
problem: this made fantastic TV, but not great live entertainment. Which way do you go?
- JoJo is
your ring announcer for the next match.
- Natalya v.
Brie Bella. The rest of the Total Divas
cast is out to join them. Natalya corners
Brie and kicks away, but misses a lunge and Brie takes over. Knee to the back and hairpull slam
follow. Stomp either connects or misses,
depending on who’s asking, and some abdominal stretch type thing follows. Natalya reverses to a variant on the Bossman
Slam, and a Sharpshooter follows, but the heel Divas bail Brie out. Everyone fights on the floor, and Brie with
the facejam to win at 1:38. That’s
it? Well, no it isn’t, because here’s
AJ. She recaps Total Divas for us,
because heaven knows that no one watches Raw and that show. The crowd seems to agree with how dumb the
show is. AJ calls the entire cast
useless and expendable. I love shoot
comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments. And she’s furious at the reality TV
crowd. The WWE needs to be careful
because the crowd is on the heel’s side here.
Though I wonder how Natalya feels about being lumped in with this
crowd. Bottom line: she earned it, not
through looks or family, but through TALENT.
The crowd is CHEERING AJ. E! has
to be thrilled by this development. The
best part? Immediately after declaring
her talent and her right to be here, AJ skips off and MISSES THE ENTRANCE. Note to Maffew: you’re welcome.
- Alberto
Del Rio v. Rob Van Dam. As a reminder,
three weeks ago, RVD pinned ADR, and the furious Del Rio beat up Ricardo
Rodriguez, which brings us where we are today.
Ricardo’s wearing an RVD shirt as JBL namedrops Linda Tripp. Seriously?
You couldn’t go with Vidkun Quisling?
Even Cole mocks him. RVD kicks
away and works over ADR in the corner.
Rolling monkey flip follows. RVD
eventually sort of puts ADR on the top rope and kicks him to the outside as we
take a break. We come back with ADR in
charge with – what else – a chinlock.
Apparently he threw RVD into the barricade during the break. ADR headbutts RVD down, but the stepover
enzuigiri follows for two. ADR with a
German suplex for two. Mushroom stomp by
ADR to RVD’s back, and he goes to the top, but gets caught with a leg
lariat. I’m not sure what he was going
for, there. Slugfest, won by RVD with
kicks and a clothesline. Superkick leads
to Rolling Thunder for two. ADR recovers
with headbutts, but RVD with a head kick and split-legged moonsault for
two. Blind charge by ADR misses, and RVD
with a flying kick. Back up for the
Five-Star, but ADR crotches RVD and gets the step-up enzuigiri for two. Ricardo jumps on the announce table, which OF
COURSE distracts ADR enough to allow RVD a leg rollup for the pin at 8:27. And because of the win, RVD will face ADR at
Night of Champions. This match deserved
a better ending. **1/4
- We remind
you that John Cena is injured and has passed the #1 babyface torch to Daniel
Bryan.
- Okay, with
Bryan/Shield coming up, I have to ask: why is Roman Reigns being treated as the
most important member of the Shield?
Wouldn’t they want Ambrose to bat clean-up, since he’s the singles
champion?
- Meanwhile,
Ryback beats up Josh Mathews. This bully
thing is being done very well as a consistent character.
- Paul
Heyman and Curtis Axel gloat about what happened. Heyman has red eyes as he talks about
it. Heyman mentions the Prodigal Son
when he speaks of CM Punk, proving that he never read the Bible story. Well, it is in the New Testament. Heyman says he’s the last person Punk should
ever come up against.
- Christian
v. Randy Orton. You know, I’d have had
this match on last, but I understand the rationale the other way. Christian with a quick rollup to surprise
Orton. LONG lockup, but Orton wins the
exchange. Orton with a quick kick and he
thugs down Christian, but Christian comes back only to get caught with the draping
DDT, only for Christian to dump Orton outside instead. Christian with a dropkick to Orton, then
brings him in. Inverted DDT gets
two. Christian leaps over a charging
Orton but eats dropkick. Orton goes
ground and pound, then stomps the face.
Choking ensues. Orton drapes
Christian on the top rope and delivers a kneelift. He drags Christian in and performs the Garvin
Stomp and kneedrop for two. Christian
fights out of a chinlock, and after a series of reversals, Orton headbutts
Christian down for two. He clubs the
chest of Christian before going to the chinlock. Christian starts a slugfest as he fights out
and blocks a blind charge, following up with a Tornado DDT try that just
results in Orton shoving him over the top to the floor as we take a break. Notice: the champion has the answer for
everything the non-contender is doing.
This is how you book a strong champ.
We return with Orton still controlling Christian with a chinlock, as I
wonder if this is some way to prevent Orton from being liked (see Cactus Jack
in ECW for what I mean). Christian again
fights to his feet, this time blocking a blind charge. Christian to the top, but AGAIN Orton cuts
him off, building to a superplex on Christian.
Christian with a small package out of nowhere for two, but Orton
controls only to jump the gun on a powerslam.
Notice: as soon as Orton got predictable, he made a mistake. Orton charges out of a cross-corner whip with
a clothesline, only to get Hotshotted.
Christian back up again, and FINALLY he connects with a cross body for
two. What happened to Christian’s
back? Christian dives off again but gets
caught, leading to a pinfall reversal sequence before Orton goes back to the
headbutts to take over. Draping DDT is
blocked, Killswitch is blocked, blind charge is blocked, and NOW Christian gets
the Tornado DDT for two. Christian with
the over-the-top leap into an uppercut, but gets caught with a Draping DDT
coming back in. See? Can’t be predictable. Orton signals for the RKO, but Christian
pushes off. Spear try by Christian which
he gets on the second try for two. Maybe
Christian should be a contender after all.
Orton sends Christian into the corner, and RKO is countered to the
Killswitch, which is shoved off. Orton
with a thumb to the eye, and the RKO wins it at 16:04. Sue me, I loved this. ***3/4 But before he can celebrate, Bryan offers
congratulations and is standing in front of the car from before. I see Kofi Kingston’s legacy stands. Only the WWE can turn attractiveness into an
insult. Yup, Bryan’s defaced Orton’s car
with the word YES over and over and over.
Of note: while Bryan leads the crowd in YES chants, I could hear Orton
shout NO – presumably over his car being defaced. If so, nice.
This match and follow-up was what wrestling is about – the challenger
babyface trying to prove his worth against the arrogant heel champion. See?
Who needs McMahons when you have these two?
- Maddox,
Hunter, and Orton stare at the car.
Maddox says that everyone is on Bryan’s side. Now Hunter claims the car as his own, as is
the belt. Orton just carries it for
HHH. Work, shoot, who knows anymore. He wants the entire roster to watch Bryan get
beaten up by the Shield, and if they interfere, they’re fired.
- Titus O’Neil
v. Jack Swagger. This is a follow-on
from last week. Zeb Colter gets to talk,
of course, and or once he talks about the Prime Time Players being their enemy…
before going after welfare queens. So
close and yet so far. I’ll say it again:
they’ve gotta be careful because the “We The People” chant is getting
over. Swagger attacks O’Neil and backs
him into the corner with knees, the last one a charging one, into a clothesline
for one. Shoulders in the corner, but O’Neil
fights out only to run into a knee to the gut.
Swagger does the Foot DDT (hey, if the video games call it that so will
I) before choking O’Neil on the ropes.
Back suplex gets two. An overhead
armlock follows, but O’Neil fights out.
Blind charge by Swagger misses, and O’Neil tackles Swagger down into a
fallaway slam. Swagger clips O’Neil, but
the Patriot Lock can’t get hooked on. O’Neil
KO’d by a blind charge, and a Flair Pin gets two before Young breaks it
up. This buys O’Neil enough time so that
he can catch Swagger in a standing spinebuster for the pin at 3:18. Too much sideshow. *1/4
- Bray Wyatt
says… something. I think it deals with
why he calls his finisher the Sister Abigail.
I don’t know what it is, but Wyatt’s charisma is carrying it, so I’ll
let it go.
- Meanwhile,
Punk refuses medical attention and demands a match with Heyman. So at Night of Champions, it’s a handicap
elimination match. Punk threatens Maddox’s
life to make sure it happens.
- Main event,
gauntlet match: Daniel Bryan v. Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, and Roman
Reigns. Neither Dolph Ziggler nor Big
Show will say anything in an interview.
In fact, no one will. Miz is
about to say something, then stops.
Anyway, Rollins starts. Bryan
kicks away on Rollins, and it’s a quick bow-and-arrow. Rollins punches out as the announcers mention
Rollins’ knee tweak. Bryan knocks over
Rollins and gets an uppercut and Cactus clothesline. The other two Shield members try
intimidation, and it works inasmuch as Rollins gets the advantage. Rollins gets one back in. He stomps a mudhole in Bryan’s beard, but
neglects to walk it dry, which allows Bryan a flurry of offense. Bryan does the leap on the corner whip and clothesline. Yes Kicks follow, but Rollins avoids the
final blow and drapes Bryan on the top rope.
Rollins goes for the knee drop, but Bryan reverses to a half-crab. Rollins makes the ropes and bails, so Bryan
dives into Rollins and sends him into Michael Cole as we take a break. We return with Rollins applying a cobra
clutch to Bryan (as he got a turnbuckle bomb during the break). Rollins slaps around Bryan and gets a flying
forearm. He gets a second one while
taunting Bryan. Rollins: “All you gotta
do is stay down. It’s that easy.” Bryan surprises Rollins with a dropkick as
Rollins backs up for another charge.
Strikefest follows, and Bryan has some momentum, but a pinfall reversal
sequence follows. Rollins with an
enzuigiri, and he gets a huge inverted DDT for two. Rollins puts Bryan on the top rope and
follows, but Bryan slides out and crotches Rollins, adding a German suplex off
the top rope!! Bryan gets whatever to
win at 11:57, and in comes Ambrose for Round Two. And don’t tell me I missed it – so did the
camera! Ambrose stomps and goes for a
slam, but a quick Yes Lock gets Ambrose.
Reigns charges for the DQ at 12:28.
And now it’s Reigns’ turn. And
now HE gets the Yes Lock, and Ambrose attacks to return the favor. It’s the whole Shield charging in. Hey, the match is over, do something! Reigns with a spear to Bryan as I’ll say it
ended at like 13:00 or so. Honestly, for
once in my life I want Big Show to do something to justify his ironclad
contract. Triplebomb to Bryan follows. HHH glares at Show, who looks the other way,
as Orton surveys the damage. He enters,
taunts Bryan, and gets the RKO to end.
Crowd chants for Big Show as they remember what I do. HHH taunts the locker room as he leaves, end
of show. Call Bryan/Rollins about *** depending on the stuff the camera
missed.
FINAL
THOUGHTS:
When even
the crowd remembers your storylines better than your writers do, there better
be a good reason. Right now, that reason
seems to be to make HHH the #1 heel.
Look, I’m not a HHH fan at all, and I hope I’m not being colored by it,
but my opinion remains that right now, Randy Orton doesn’t matter. I want him to matter, because he is the WWE
Champion, but he’s just a prop for HHH to get his feud with Daniel Bryan. Hunter even said so.
This is the
big deal right now. They gave Orton a
great match against Christian, which makes him a solid champion. That’s what you need: a champion you can
believe is able to beat anyone. Look,
like I said last week, you cut the authority figures out and the story doesn’t
change: illegitimate champion against people’s choice.
Now, while
discussing this online during the show, I was reminded that Bryan beat Orton on
his way up to the top. But – and this
sounds like splitting hairs, but work with me – that was face Orton. The heel is the person who will get himself
disqualified, cheat like crazy (like he did tonight with the thumb to the eye),
and take every Ric Flair shortcut to keep the gold. And when it ends, Dusty Bryan will beat him.
And this
bothers me more than anything else because I want to enjoy this show. It had three good matches in it in Punk/Axel,
Orton/Christian, and Bryan/Rollins.
Instead, I’m forced to watch as everyone is afraid of HHH and he gets
his way again. I don’t expect everything
to get blown up in a week, but this is now four straight shows – all four,
really – that HHH and Orton have made Bryan flat at the end of the show, and
the top heel hasn’t broken a sweat.
Tommy Hall said it right: at some point, you have to make Bryan look
like he can hang with the leaders. They
don’t do it.
The longer
they don’t, the more I believe that it will never happen. And then, I change the channel and walk
away. I ask one thing of WWE: make me
believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
STATS:
MATCH TIME:
57:41 over 8 matches (the gauntlet match is considered one match).
BEST MATCH:
Orton/Christian
WORST MATCH:
Rhodes/Fandango, but at least it made sense.
NIGHT MVP
(kayfabe): Cody Rhodes
FINAL SCORE:
7 – all that good feeling for three hours died in the overrun. Maybe it’s my Triple H hatred, and I’ll
accept that, but the heck with it.
Authority figures swallowing the heat of wrestlers has always rubbed me
the wrong way. Thankfully, wrestling
still exists, and it is still awesome.
Go find all three matches and enjoy them. See you for the holidays.