The SmarK Rant for WWE NXT – 09.25.13
Hulu actually lists this one as September 25 2015, but I feel like that might be a typo. It really is the future of wrestling! Or maybe it’s a Back to the Future reference.
Taped from Orlando, FL
Your hosts are William Regal and one of the interchangeable announcers, Tom or Todd whatever.
Earlier today, CJ Parker and Tyler Breeze squabble with Brad Maddox over who should be in the tag team turmoil match (“Clone me!”) so Maddox makes them a team. Maddox was HILARIOUS here for once.
Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady v. Tyler Breeze & CJ Parker
We must be in a new taping cycle because Enzo has finally grown his hair out. Enzo clarifies that they are like toilet tissue because they’re on a roll, and their opponents are also like toilet tissue because they’re SAWFT. You can’t argue with that logic. Parker gets an airplane spin on Enzo and follows with a running knee in the corner, but Cassady lays him out and pins him at 1:18. I’m frankly disappointed that Breeze didn’t go further in this.
Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady v. Scott Dawson & Alexander Rusev
Match #2! Cassady pounds Dawson down and gets one, and it’s over to Rusev for the power match. Amore comes in and gets run over, and Dawson hangs him in the corner for some punishment. Spinebuster is reversed into a small package for the pin at 2:00, however. Rusev dishes out some EASTERN EUROPEAN JUSTICE, however, and that sets up…
Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady v. The Ascension
I don’t see this going well for the Jersey boys. Cassady gets double-teamed and overpowered by O’Brien, but comes back with a big boot for two. He tags out to Enzo…who promptly gets flattened by Conor and finished with a Total Elimination at 2:31 to make the Ascension the official #1 contenders. This whole deal was pretty fun with Enzo & Colin doing the underdog story. **3/4 for the whole thing.
Bayley v. Sasha Banks
Renee Young joins us on commentary, with Regal creeping on her the whole time. Summer Rae is now hanging out at ringside as the evil influence on Sasha, so they’re the MEAN GIRLS now. Bayley offers a high five and gets slapped down by Banks, and a facejam out of the corner gets two. Sasha rips off Bayley’s headband for the big heat spot (“That’s out of line! You don’t mess with another woman’s hair products!” You tell her, Renee.) and hits the chinlock, but Bayley slugs back in the corner. Sasha gives her a BOOB CHOP OF DEATH, but misses a blind charge and Bayley hugs it out with a belly to belly for two. Sasha necksnaps her on the top rope and finishes with a neckbreaker at 4:02. Lots of fun. ** Summer promises that Fandango will be here next week and they’re gonna run the place, but Emma runs them off.
Aiden English v. Bull Dempsey
English again gets a babyface pop for singing his own entrance theme. Now Dempsey has a hell of a wrestling name. English works a headlock and drops a leg, then finishes with a Side Effect at 1:43. The crowd DEMANDS an encore, so he obliges! BRAVISIMO!
Meanwhile, Summer Rae thinks Emma should pick a partner for next week. Renee Young as the snarky interviewer is improving all the time. (“Do you know why the fans are going to go home happy?” “Because of your outfits?”)
El Local v. Sami Zayn
Local is of course the super-secret identity of Ricardo Rodriguez. Zayn takes him down with armdrags and a headscissors, but Local boots him down and gets a suplex for two. Local gets a back elbow, but Zayn comes back with a backdrop and a running boot in the corner that gets the pin at 3:00. Bo Dallas comes out and announces that he’ll be doing an open challenge to determine his next challenger…but Sami isn’t invited. Minor note: My wife was half-watching and was suddenly VERY interested when Sami came on. Apparently he is quite attractive.
Meanwhile, KASSIUS OHNO is back, demanding to know why Brad Maddox has been keeping him off TV. Maddox clarifies that he’s a “D+” talent, and others (but not him) like keeping him off TV because it’s fun. But not him. So he’ll give Ohno a match against a member of the Wyatt Family as a peace offering. Can they seriously not find anything on RAW for Ohno to do?
Main Event Interview: Fuck me, now HHH is on THIS show, too? He puts over the talent in NXT, but notes that he can’t put up with Dusty Rhodes as GM of the show any longer, and so JBL is the new GM. So yes, COOHHH introduces GMJBL. JBL’s heel speech is triumphant (“Excuse me, this isn’t sing along with the wrestling god, so SHUT UP.”) and we’re done.
The Pulse
Easily the best wrestling show on TV right now. Even HHH was confined to a 3 minute speech. That is nothing short of a miracle in itself.
Seriously though, between English, Corey Graves, and Judas Devlin...what's with all the fucking hipsters?
ReplyDeleteI'm watching this just for heel JBL. I don't wanna see him wrestle but I do love his promos.
ReplyDeleteOhno hasn't been impressive at all in NXT, and it's not really WWE's fault. He just can't seem to find the right niche but hopefully now that he's gotten back in shape he'll make it to the main roster next year.
ReplyDeleteI dunno, what was with all the grungy guys in ECW back in the day?
ReplyDeleteI can get behind a guy who looks like Eddie Vedder on 'roids, but I can't get behind a guy who looks like he *might* start tonguing his opponent.
ReplyDeleteLike licking them or making out with them? Either way you must not have liked Goldust.
ReplyDeleteStatler: "Oh, we're watching NXT now too, huh?"
ReplyDeleteWaldorf: "Yeah, we have to see who's next for the WWE!"
Statler: "I'm sure there's a good Goldberg joke in there somewhere, but I can't find it!"
Waldorf: "With your eyesight, I'm surprised you can find anything, like your way to the balcony each week!"
Statler: "Maybe I'll find myself a better partner!"
Waldorf: "Look in your dryer, I'm sure there's another wet blanket in there!"
Statler: "Well, every time I see those young'ns, I always think the title of the show is right."
Waldorf: "You do?"
Statler: "Yeah, because I'm always saying, "THAT WAS BAD, GET THEM AWAY! NEXT!"
DOHOHOHOHO
I was thinking more along the lines of analingus.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I liked Goldust precisely because it was playing on peoples' homophobia, but it didn't make sense to me, particularly in hindsight, that "this guy's an asshole because he's intensely homoerotic".
What I can't bring myself to like is a guy who is meterosexual. YOU'RE IN THE WRESTLING BUSINESS, YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET A DOUCHEY HAIRCUT AND TAKE TWICE AS LONG TO LOOK GOOD AS A DIVA WOULD.
God! /Napoleon Dynamite
Graves is a punk, that's sorta the opposite end of the spectrum from a hipster. The Jeggings confuse the matter, though.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of this is just being based in Orlando. The hipster look is very very popular here among the late high school and college crowd. They also film there shows at Full Sail, and about half to 2/3rds of the students there have the hipster look.
ReplyDeleteAnyone have any NXT sign ideas? Next taping is Oct 10th and I haven't brought signs to a wrestling show in over a decade, but with some good ideas I just might.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what kind of role El Generico will have when he graduates to the main roster, and I'm thinking he HAS to be promoted at some point with the way he's carried himself in NXT. I think the problem winds up being something akin to the "Kofi Kingston Zone", where he's got a lot of wrestling talent, but doesn't seem to fit the cliche of what they're looking for in a top superstar. Now anyone can get lucky provided they get the right angle to work with and have charisma (i.e. Punk, Bryan), so perhaps he'll manage to get over well enough. If they have nothing better for them to do, I wouldn't mind seeing a Kassius Ohno / Sami Zayn tag team.
ReplyDeleteThe Shield are the most over heel faction they've had in a while, and the Usos are starting to get over with the crowd. We'll see how the Wyatts evolve here in the next little bit, but stockpiling the tag ranks with people that can work will only help things improve.
He's a bit more natural on the mike than Kofi, and he's just got sooo much charisma without the mask. Like, holy crap, it turns out taking the mask off the dude was a bit of a revelation. I'd still like him to be El Generico, cause, well, El Generico, but daaaang is he making it work.
ReplyDeleteRick Victor needs Rogaine?
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure a sign asking Bayley to remove her clothing would be in poor taste, but a simple 'ENCORE!' would be good.
ReplyDeleteCOME ON, EL GENERICO CAMEO FOR ZAYN NEXT WEEK.
ReplyDeleteI feel I should be watching NXT.
ReplyDeleteThat's some typo!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqqqJctNMVI
I can't wait for next week's NXT BBBQ, where the extra B is for rasslin'.
I think Zayn will be fine for a number of reasons, the first of which is that he's seemingly an uber-babyface in the mold of Ricky Steamboat. WWE doesn't have ANYONE like that. Second, he'll be their first true Jewish star (sorry Barry Horrowitz), which is something the company can exploit overseas if they want to break into Israel. Third, the fucker can go.
ReplyDelete'Firing' Dusty fits in well with the main story lines in RAW ( if that was intentional), and JBL is good on the mic. But enough with the heel authority figure. That has been played out and tired for over a decade now, and ifs one reason why RAW has been so stale for so long.
ReplyDeleteHe can definitely hang on the main roster.
ReplyDeleteHis feud with Cesaro wouldn't have looked out of place on Raw, and the main roster mid card faces would love the sort of program Cesaro and Zane had.
reDRagon need to call their lawyers. jk they couldn't afford lawyers.
ReplyDeletethe Hip Hop Hippo/ Sweet T is not pleased with you forgetting him.
ReplyDeleteWho says JBL has to be a heel? He could be that "dream GM"... the one who just schedules matches and doesn't get involved past that.
ReplyDelete(Wait, this is WWE, right? Nevermind.)
oooh! Bo-urns Dallas!
ReplyDeleteHe's been called Albert, Lord Tensai, and Sweet T. At no point did they even attempt to play up his Jewish heritage. Generico's ring name is Sami fucking Zayn. It doesn't get much more Jewish than that. That's what I meant by first true Jewish star; he could potentially be their first star to play up that aspect of his persona as opposed to just some dude who is Jewish working for them.
ReplyDeletewait... is Sami Zayn Jewish sounding? I honestly had no idea. no, this isn't sarcasm.
ReplyDeleteSami as a first name in Hebrew represents peacemaker/mediator/etc. If I remember correctly, Zayn is a variant of Zayin which is a letter used in Semitic abjads, which are symbols that represent consonants, of which Hebrew as a language adheres to. I'm probably wrong on the Zayn part, but that's at least one interpretation.
ReplyDeleteI'm really disappointed they haven't given Paige a last name. Paige Turner is RIGHT THERE.
ReplyDeleteThere's a fine line between hipster and punk anymore. The shows I go to in Philly pretty much see the two intermingle.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I was joking. Aiden English's entire gimmick is brilliant and he needs to be called up as a comedy heel immediately.
That's already the name of her finisher.
ReplyDeleteBesides Raven and his lackeys, who else looked grungy?
ReplyDeleteYour word selection is a Freudian nightmare.
ReplyDeleteIan and Axl Rotten, Balls Mahoney, seems like there were others but I can't remember. Must not've been all that memorable.
ReplyDeleteHe's Syrian/French Canadian, not Israeli.
ReplyDeleteNot an Orton fan, are you?
ReplyDeleteI always kind of looked at those guys as burn-out metal heads. But I guess it's easy to confuse the two.
ReplyDeletePaul Heyman called his finisher the Meshugahnator, so there was that.
ReplyDeleteNo, but - and I hesitate to say this - it goes for someone like Zack Ryder as well. If he came to one of my parties, I'd just be like "you have to go. Leave. Yes, it's the way you look. Out."
ReplyDeleteSometimes a cock is just a cock.
ReplyDeleteWait, what?
Cody's dashing gimmick was apparently based around Orton.
ReplyDeleteAnd is being metro as a wrestler really ridiculous considering plenty of "real" athletes do it as well?
I hate those athletes too.
ReplyDeleteReally, being meterosexual automatically = heel in my world.
Even CM Punk is a straightedge, holier-than-thou hipster which is why he works so naturally well as a heel, but his character is so strong that it works just as well as a face under the right circumstances.
I see where you're coming from. I can never root for Orton cause he has barbwire tattoos and that makes him a douchebag.
ReplyDeleteBut up in Cali, Hipster=/=Metro. There's some overlap sure, but I wouldn't call it the same.
Metro guys are all about looking good. Hipster guys are all about buying vinyl.