The SmarK RAW Rant–09.23.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 09.23.13

Live from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL

COOHHH and Stephanie are out to address the 10 guys who DARED to stand up for Daniel Bryan last week, and they’ve got the red mat in the ring so you know it’s a big deal. HHH thinks it’s unlikely that all these guys were fighting to help Daniel Bryan, but instead were angling for their own title shots. So tonight it’s an 11-on-3 handicap match against the Shield. Zuh? I feel like I’m missing a giant leap of logic here. Why are the heels being punished? Even the announcers aren’t really following what’s going on. Also, Randy Orton faces one of some guy, some other guy, or ROOOOOOBBB VAAAAAAN DAAAAAAAAM! Gee, Steph, I wonder who you want people to vote for? As usual, the babyfaces all stand around like idiots, listening to the authority figures berate them, like a bunch of sheep.

Alberto Del Rio v. Kofi Kingston

Kofi takes him down with a headscissors and clotheslines him to the floor, then follows with a flying clothesline that nearly overshoots completely. Back in, Kofi slugs away in the corner and puts him down with a forearm for two. Del Rio comes back with a snap suplex for two and goes to a chinlock, but Kofi fights back and dropkicks him to the floor. We take a break and return with Kofi hitting the SOS for two, and the Boomdrop, but the wacky kick is reversed into a german suplex for two. Kofi fights off the armbar with a DDT for two, but the arm is injured, and he misses a flying bodypress. Into the post, and the armbar finishes for Del Rio at 12:00. By the way, apparently the reason for Kofi’s de-push is that Vince McMahon dislikes his long tights. So, yeah. ***

And now, even on the edited Hulu version, we get a recap of the Orton-Miz deal from last week, and then a backstage interview where HHH announces that Big Show is going to be Miz’s guest, and then we take a break and return with ANOTHER recap of the Orton-Miz thing.

MizTV: So as promised, it’s the Big Show, and Miz is SERIOUS. He expresses his disappointment with Show, and that brings out Stephanie, cutting Miz’s balls off by pointing out how useless he is and how he’s only good for doing promotional appearances and radio shows. And then Big Show knocks him out without even crying this time. Frankly, can you blame him? I hope Show has finally embraced this role of getting to punch people out on cue and get paid good money for it.

Randy Orton v. Rob Van Dam

Orton slugs away to start and bails to escape a spinkick, but he takes it back in the ring. Back to the floor, where Orton yanks him off the apron and we take a break. Back with the draping DDT, but RVD escapes the RKO and goes up with a missile dropkick. Orton blocks the frog splash attempt and boots him to the floor in pretty vicious fashion, then ragdolls him around out there until they’re both counted out at 10:12. And then Orton proceeds to put a pretty epic hurting on poor Rob, like “writing him out of the storyline” level stuff. **1/2 Note to self: Do not be a babyface in WWE right now.

CM Punk and his Blackhawks jersey join us to a mammoth reaction, of course. Punk feels that he let us all down against Heyman, but much like the Blackhawks, he’s going to rally in game 7 and come back to win the Cup. This brings out Uncle Paul on his scooter, bragging about being the new Best In The World…but he has scooter malfunction. Punk goes for the kill, but Ryback comes out to prevent any bullying, and he brings Axel with him. Punk fights the good fight, but gets press-slammed through a table.

Daniel Bryan joins us to point out the obvious: He didn’t need a fast count because the flying knee knocked out Randy Orton regardless. So now he’ll just have to do it again at Battleground. I’d be putting your money on the other guy there. The Shield comes out to rebut, but the Rhodes Family jumps out of the stands and kicks their ass. I really wish they had a third brother so we don’t have to see Dusty in the ring for the blowoff. What about Uncle Fred?

The Shield v. The Usos, The Primetime Players, Rob Van Dam, Kofi Kingston, Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan, Justin Gabriel, R-Truth and Zack Ryder (as the Beaver)

Ziggler gets beat up in the corner to start, but brings RVD in, and he’s taped up like a mummy. Ambrose quickly goes after the injuries and finishes him with the headlock DDT at 2:51. And we take a break. Back with Kofi, also taped up, holding an armbar on Rollins, but Ambrose comes in and goes to work on the injured arm. Kofi manages a crossbody for two, but Ambrose keeps him from tagging with some Anderson-like dick moves, and finishes with the headlock DDT at 9:53. Next up, Titus, who throws Ambrose around, and meets up with Reigns for the power showdown. The Shield quickly double-teams him in the corner, and Reigns spears the shit out of him at 11:34. So it’s Gabriel next, but Reigns kills him at 11:49. Over to Ryder, and he miraculously gets some offense before Reigns spears him back to the internet at 12:20. Bryan comes in to end the run and cleans house by himself, and the Usos finish with the flying splash at 13:03. This is apparently the first time Reigns has done a job, according to Cole. Huh. And we take another break. Back with Ambrose holding a sleeper on Darren Young, but Young comes back with a throw and a northern lights suplex for two. Rollup, but Rollins breaks it up with the flying knee and gets the pin at 21:09. Ziggler pounds on Rollins in the corner, but it’s back to Ambrose as the clean-up man again. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag out of nowhere and pins him at 22:33, however. So Rollins is alone, 5-on-1, and why the babyfaces don’t just all team up and kick the shit out of him, I don’t know. So R-Truth gets a hot tag and hits the front suplex for two. Rollins comes back with the Blackout at 25:00 to eliminate Truth. So Bryan directs the other babyfaces to FINALLY boot-fuck Rollins as a group, but Rollins gets a cheapshot on Bryan. They head up and Bryan puts him down for the diving headbutt, and Goat 2 Sleep finishes at 27:00. Pretty fun match, with the injured guys logically being picked off first, but I still don’t get what the rationale behind HHH even booking the match was. ***

The Pulse

Rough month for the babyfaces.