The SmarK RAW Rant–10.28.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 10.28.13

What is WITH the delays in getting WWE onto Hulu this week? NXT was late last week and now RAW doesn’t go up until well after it normally would. Some of us have things to do with our lives instead of watching silly wrestling shows. I mean, clearly not me of course, but SOME OF US.

Live from Orlando, FL

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL.

John Cena is here to prove us all wrong about how he came back too soon and couldn’t beat Alberto Del Rio and stuff, even though no one was actually saying that. But he’s back, which he can’t emphasize enough. Luckily, Damien Sandow is here to inform us that it is not humanly possible for a triceps muscle to heal that fast, and Cena is just AFRAID of a cash-in. So Sandow blindsides him, batters the bad arm with the briefcase (“Rise above this!”), beats the crap out of him on the floor, and officially cashes in.

World title: John Cena v. Damien Sandow

Sandow takes him down with an armbar for two and gets a rollup for two. Belly to belly from Cena, but Sandow goes right back to the arm and adds a snap suplex for two. Back to the arm, but Cena backdrops out of it and we take a break. Back with them slugging it out, but Cena makes the comeback while the announcers make the point that if the doctor stops the match, Sandow wins the title. That actually comes from UFC and not anything that was traditionally in wrestling. Normally in wrestling “rules”, a blood stoppage or injury does not change a title. Sandow keeps on the arm, but Cena hits a one-armed FU to put Sandow on the floor. Back in, Cena tries the STF but can’t hook it with one arm, and Sandow gets a neckbreaker for two. Cena reverses out of the full nelson slam, but Sandow hooks him in a crossface. Cena reverses out, but Sandow hits the slam for two. To the top, but Cena misses a flying bodypress. Sandow tries a piledriver, but Cena FUs him to retain at 14:11. Cena is good at the wrestlings, but I’m astonished (not really) that WWE’s solution to a bored fanbase is to PUSH CENA EVEN HARDER. This Sandow thing sets a real, real bad precedent for the briefcase, by the way, because that was the one stip where you could count on it paying off if you got behind a guy who won it, and now that is no longer the case. And again, why did they even give it to Sandow? They clearly had no plans for him and beat him every match since July. ***1/4

Meanwhile, The Shield pledges to get back to basics and start beating people up again. Ambrose makes sure to point out that he’s the only champion they’ve got left, which earns him some bad looks from the others.

US title: Dean Ambrose v. Big E Langston

Ambrose clotheslines him out of the corner as Cole completely ruins the subtext of the Shield interview by explaining in detail what the subtext was. Big E slugs back and puts Ambrose down with clotheslines and a belly to belly, but the Shield beats him up for the DQ at 1:38. And the Usos make the save, so Brad Maddox changes this to a six-man, PLAYA. I added the PLAYA.

The Shield v. Big E Langston & The Usos

So we take a break and return with Ambrose beating up an Uso, as Rollins adds an enzuigiri for two. Ambrose with a chinlock, but it’s hot tag to the other Uso and everyone is brawling. Jey misses the flying splash, but the Usos regroup and superkick Rollins out of the ring. Reigns spears both guys at once and pins an Uso to win. Started getting good just as they went abruptly to the finish. **1/2

Shawn Michaels joins us because he owes everyone an explanation, especially Daniel Bryan. The crowd feels that he sold out, however. Shawn notes that HHH is his BFF and that will never change, except for all the times they fought each other and tried to kill each other in blood feuds. I just added that last part. So Shawn offers an apology and hearty handshake. Bryan refuses, so Shawn notes that he should at least show the respect that’s been earned and shake his hand. But don’t trust anyone from here on out. So Shawn goes on a self-righteous rant and wants the handshake one last time, so Bryan puts him the Yes-Lock and makes him tap. Somehow I doubt this is leading to a Bryan-HBK match, but good for Bryan for finally standing up for himself.

Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan gets jumped by the Wyatt Family for some reason.

AJ Lee & Tamina Snuka v. The Bella Twins

This is literally the first Divas match I can remember seeing on Hulu. Normally they cut everything related to them out. The heels throw Brie around and Snuka gets two before going to a chinlock. Brie fights back with an enzuigiri and makes the hot tag to Nikki, whom Snuka uses a club to knock her own sister out of the ring with. I approve of that usage of her. AJ quickly finishes with the Black Widow at 3:30. Michael Cole didn’t even mention Tamina’s heritage as the daughter of a Hall of Famer! WHAT THE FUCK? No idea how this made the cut. Pickings must have been particularly slim this week. DUD

Kane v. The Miz

Miz gets his corner clothesline and goes up, but lands in a chokeslam at 1:08. That’s about right. Kane calls out Stephanie, and declares that it’s best for business if he’s a heel again, then gives her his mask and wig. Stephanie seems quite proud to have it. Personally I’d have it washed first.

Street Fight: CM Punk v. Ryback

Here’s something I’m surprised no one ever brought up in the months of their feud: “Cult of Personality” is basically describing Paul Heyman and his Svengali relationship with ECW fans and his “Paul Heyman Guys”. It’s so on-the-nose that I’m shocked it was never even brought up in passing by the announcers. Ryback attacks, but Punk hits a crossbody for two. They hit the floor and Punk gets run into the post, allowing Ryback to grab a table. Back in, Ryback with a spinebuster, but Punk gets a neckbreaker for two. They head to the top and Ryback ends up on the table, allowing Punk to finish him with the flying elbow and Anaconda Vice at 4:24. Well that was pretty decisive right there. *1/2 And then the Wyatts strike again, putting a beatdown on Punk on behalf of this “devil” fella.

Main Event Championship Celebration:

Remember a few weeks ago how everyone was standing up to HHH in the name of defiance and stuff? And now they’re all just watching from the ramp like a bunch of geeks again. So Orton gives his boring speech until Big Show interrupts and punches everyon…zzzz…

…

Sorry, dozed off there for a minute.

The Pulse

First half was great, second half dragged like hell, so this averaged out to be pretty good. But Big Show v. Randy Orton headlining Survivor Series? Unlikely to get my $55. Well, I don’t actually have cable anymore so there’s no legal way for me to order it anyway, but still, NO BUYS.