PG WEEK: Retro PPV Rant for Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good retro rant! So, now the question: what's my favorite retro (non-WrestleMania) PPV? Well, it's one that has a format that desperately needs to come back. And it's one they could do now, because with the Network in place, they can afford to experiment on major shows the way they used to. Ladies and gentlemen, I speak of:

Survivor Series 1990.

And now, through the glory that is YouTube, I give you a full-on recap of that show. All wrestler ages are as of the day of the show, and they and match times are from Wikipedia. Why include wrestler ages? Because I want to. It's kind of fun to see who was in their prime, who hadn't gotten there, and who was past it.

Live from... hey, cool, this version has the Countdown to Survivor Series attached! Let's do that too!

Live from the Control Center of the World Wrestling Federation.

Your host is Sean Mooney (31).

Mooney goes over the rules: it's five eight-man elimination tag team matches. In this case, the hook at the end is that if you win, you earn a ticket to the main event of the evening, known as the GRAND FINALE MATCH OF SURVIVAL. Win there, and... you're awesome, I dunno, Vince hadn't thought this far ahead.

There will be five matches tonight, as Mooney runs down the card. In addition to those and the GFMOS, we are told that the giant turkey egg that Vince bought sometime in 1990 is going to hatch (probably) during the show.

The nice thing about this Countdown show is that it reviews some of the major points along the way. And we start by looking at The Warriors (Ultimate Warrior, Texas Tornado, Legion of Doom) against the Perfect Team (Mr. Perfect, Demolition Trio).

We see clips of the LOD squashing the Orient Express as Mr. Fuji waves on to the locker room for some reason. That reason being to call Demolition out. This leads to a massive beating by all six men on the LOD. It should be noted that this was during the Masked Demolition phase, when Demolition would attempt the switcheroo on the referee. It didn't last, largely because Ax was near the end of his career, and largely because Ax and Crush (the two who would switch out) are nowhere near similar in body size.

Clips follow of Texas Tornado against Smash in a non-title match, as Tornado was Intercontinental Champion at the time. Mr. Perfect saunters to the ring, and Tornado intercepts him and holds both off until Ax and Crush make it a 4-on-1. LOD and Warrior make the save. The great part about this is Heenan acting like he's going to do something about it on commentary, then constantly changing his mind when one of the faces runs in. As if he was ever going to DO anything.

First, comments from the Perfect Team, as Perfect is confident because he has Demolition with him. Ax promises it'll short and ugly. Crush quotes 80s movies lore to build up the Warriors, but says they're not perfect. Smash asks for Perfect to leave the LOD to Demolition. Perfect follows by saying it'll be a perfect night.

Over to the Warriors now, as Ultimate Warrior says he's found the gameplan for his opponents: NOTHING. Tornado talks about how they're the four most powerful men in the sport. Animal says his team is focused on Survivor Series. Hawk promises to make the Perfect Team very unperfect. “Good for us, bad for you; what a rush!” Warrior paces around his teammates the whole time because he's Warrior.

Our next look-in is with the Alliance (Nikolai Volkoff, Tito Santana, and the Bushwackers) against the Mercenaries (Sgt. Slaughter, Boris Zhukov, and the Orient Express). We see highlights from Saturday Night's Main Event as Slaughter beats Koko B. Ware with the ATOMIC NOOGIE OF DEATH before waving the Iraqi flag... and Volkoff is in the interview area with the US flag, leading to a wave-off.

Canned interview time, first with the Alliance. Butch is excited to go into battle, especially since they'll be fighting under the US flag. Luke calls it a proud moment. (Aren't they from New Zealand? For real?) Volkoff speaks directly to Slaughter, saying only his team will survive. Santana sums up that they will make sure the American flag will fly high at the end of the night.

Zhukov and Tanaka get the floor next, and each one says they serve “another flag” but trust their leader. Slaughter summarizes: as mercenaries, they all serve different flags, but they will be united in battle to destroy the Alliance. And Slaughter says the best thing is you'll get to order it! Destroy! And that's an order.

Mooney reminds us to order now. Man, where's my phone...

It's time to look at the Dream Team (Dusty Rhodes, Koko Ware, and the Hart Foundation) against the Million Dollar Team (Ted DiBiase, ???, Honky Tonk Man, and Greg Valentine). This all started when DiBiase bought Sapphire's loyalty from Dusty Rhodes' side. It got really bad when Rhodes was blowing off his feud with Randy Savage. DiBiase and Virgil tried to buy Dustin Rhodes' ringside seat, but had to settle for sitting next to him. Naturally, during the course of the match, a fight broke out at ringside, and DiBiase and Virgil got the better of that. Dusty abandoned the match to protect Dustin, giving Savage the win. But as it turns out, Dusty lives on loyalty, and he proved it when he saved the Hart Foundation during a title defense against Rhythm'n'Blues (Honky and Valentine's team name) on a Superstars episode.

The Million Dollar Team speaks first – still without their mystery partner. Honky Tonk Man promises this is their last song. DiBiase says that money talks and the rest takes a walk. He's paid all his teammates very well (including the surprise partner). He says Dusty Rhodes will be humiliated on the show. Greg Valentine calls the name “Dream Team” appropriate, since they're dreaming if they think they can win.

Bret Hart leads off for the Dream Team, and says the opposition isn't tough enough. Koko says it's put up or shut up time. Neidhart says they don't care who the mystery partner is. Rhodes says his team is loaded, with guns cocked, and their opponents are in for a good butt-kickin. Yeah baby!

Now, before we get to Hulk Hogan, we have one OTHER match to talk about. It's the Vipers (Jake Roberts, Jimmy Snuka, Shawn Michaels, and Marty Jannetty) against the Visionaries (Rick Martel, Warlord, Hercules, and Paul Roma). This all began on the Brother Love Show, when Roberts was being interviewed by Brother Love while Rick Martel was attempting to clandestinely spray the snake with his cologne. Every time Roberts turned around, Martel backed off, but Jake had had enough and dove after Martel, who sprayed Roberts square in his left eye. (Side note: this attack was so bad even Martel showed remorse at the time, and Big Boss Man raced in from gorilla position to check on Jake. Yes, this is kayfabe, I know.) Anyway, Roberts' next appearance on the Brother Love Show came with mocking from Brother Love, and Roberts promised “an eye for an eye”. Martel came out to accept the challenge, by which we mean mock Roberts' blindness. Roberts was so furious he attacked the first person he could get his hands on. Fortunately, it was Brother Love.

Mooney informs us that Roberts is not 100%.

The Vipers speak first. Shawn is ready to strike at the Visionaries, and says they'll go down. Marty says the team has a gameplan, and that it comes down to winning, which they will do. Roberts says it's hell for the Visionaries because they must attempt to do the impossible and beat the Vipers, whose confidence is at an all-time high. Snuka says nothing.

Martel speaks for his team and calls the Vipers “the blind leading the blind”. Warlord says the Visionaries will squash the Vipers. Roma says the team all came together because they are the greatest athletes. Hercules says that if the young girls are crying and you have nothing to be thankful for, don't blame them because only the strong survive, which they clearly are.

And now, the last match: the Hulkamaniacs (Hulk Hogan, Big Boss Man, Tugboat, and Jim Duggan) against the Natural Disasters (Earthquake, Dino Bravo, Haku, and Barbarian). Haku, although this isn't mentioned in the show, is replacing the fired Rick Rude. This is essentially Hogan and friends against Quake and friends, as the captains have the main issue ever since Quake crushed Hogan's ribs on the Brother Love Show. However, there is a side issue: Big Boss Man has made a vendetta against the Heenan Family, since Heenan has relentlessly dissed Boss Man' mama.

The Natural Disasters are first. Quake calls his team the biggest, strongest, and meanest, and promises they will all go to the Grand Finale. Bravo gets even more specific, saying they'll eliminate the teammates first (Duggan, Tugboat, Boss Man), and when Hogan's 1-on-4, Hulkamania will die. SURVIVE! SURVIVE!

The Hulkamaniacs talk. Duggan is excited, and the hair is on end. He promises a long night for the Disasters. Tugboat says they'll unleash the full power of Hulkamania. Boss Man says it's about heart, soul, and justice, and they will win. Hogan says he's been outnumbered forever, but now the sides are even, and so the Natural Disasters will look like a disaster. Whatcha gonna do?

Mooney recaps the card quickly and promises the Grand Finale and the turkey egg hatching. We begin in 3 minutes! Quick! Call your cable operator!

...okay, I called mine; they assured me the event was 20 years ago and I'm a little late. Guess I'll have to settle for the YouTube airing.

The PG Era Rant for Survivor Series 1990.

From Hartford, CT. Original airdate: Thanksgiving, November 22, 1990.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon (53) and Rowdy Roddy Piper (36), as Piper informs us this is the first ever WWF Pay-Per-View shown on the Armed Forces Network so that the troops in Desert Shield can partake. He promises to charge Saddam Hussein double the price. Man, $60 for a WWF show! What a jerk!

MATCH ONE: Mr. Perfect (32), Ax (42), Smash (31), and Crush (26) vs. Ultimate Warrior (31), Hawk (33), Animal (30), and Texas Tornado (30).

Okay, just so you know and can't unsee it: the face team is one giant inside joke. Of COURSE they're the Warriors; it's Ultimate Warrior, Modern Day Warrior, and Road Warriors. Now that that's out of the way, the Warriors get time backstage to cut a promo before their match. Hawk isn't sure what to think other than he'll take it to the opponents. Animal promises the team won't quit. Tornado says it's time to show what they can do. And then Warrior... this deserves transcription, and transcription deserves Capslock of course...

“WANTING NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING CLOSE TO PERFECTNESS, I'VE ASKED ALL THE SKELETONS THAT HAVE ALREADY MADE THE SACRIFICE TO FOLLOW ME AND THESE THREE WARRIORS, THE LEGION OF DOOM AND THE TEXAS TORNADO, INTO THIS BATTLE! WHETHER TO WALK FURTHER THAN ALL THE REST OR TO STAY BEHIND AND MAKE THE SACRIFICE, it makes no difference mr perfect and demolition, FOR AS THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR I SURROUND US IN THIS FORCE FIELD, AND WE HAVE BECOME ONE. WE HAVE FORMED A BOND LIKE NO OTHER, AND NO ONE CAN BREAK WHAT WE HAVE CREATED. THERE IS NO POISON, NO CREATION, AND NO MEDICINE TO CURE WHAT WE HAVE! YOU, MR. PERFECT AND DEMOLITION, WILL NOT SURVIVE!”

As always, his promos are poetry. By which I mean Allen Ginsburg.

Piper is so intense on commentary that Gorilla begins to question if Piper's going to last the night. Everyone mills about to start, faking in and out as to who's starting. Finally, Animal ends the tension and attacks Smash, going ground-and-pound before that was a thing. He clubs Smash in the back and throws him into the corner as all four faces get shots in. He ducks down, though, and Smash smacks his head. Smash with a suplex for two. He calls for a boot, and Perfect and Crush oblige. Perfect in next, and he works over Animal in the ropes. Smash returns, working the ribs, but a whip is reversed and Animal gets a powerslam. Perfect races in, and he gets two atomic drops from the LOD, ducks a claw from Tornado, and is clotheslined by Warrior before being dumped. Tornado punches away on Smash but gets pulled into the wrong corner and Ax takes over. Tornado throws him into a neutral corner and gets the Iron Claw on him, and this allows Warrior to get two shoulder tackles and the Ultimate Splash to eliminate Ax at 3:23. The heels race in en masse and each get slammed by Warrior in turn before Crush runs over Warrior. He stomps Warrior down and punches away before bringing in Smash. Smash slams Warrior, and Crush returns with a flying kneedrop. It gets two. Crush works over Warrior in the corner, but a blind charge eats the boot and everyone tags out. It's Hawk and Perfect now, and Perfect's punches are blocked as Hawk throws him into the corner. Botch alert: Perfect forgets the momentum swing spot and tries to reverse Hawk's corner whip, so when Hawk doesn't comply, Perfect stumbles into the opposite corner. They repeat the spot, and this time, Hawk charges and eats the post. Smash in now, and he teases Animal before pounding away on Hawk and switching off with Crush. Crush clubs down Hawk and slams him. Perfect back in, and he works over Hawk in a neutral corner with left hands. Smash returns, but Hawk fires away. Smash with a drop toe hold to keep control, but Hawk with a flying tackle to gain control, followed by a fistdrop. The announcers say he needs to tag, but Hawk stays in, clotheslining Smash and getting the diving lariat. Crush saves, Animal goes after him, and they won't leave on the ref's instructions. Smash shoves the ref and Hawk kicks at him, and that earns all four men a DQ at 7:36. Kind of a cheap way to thin the herd, if you ask me, especially since Ax's health issues meant they never had a real blowoff. Both teams argue the ruling but to no avail. So it's Warrior/Tornado against Perfect, and everyone regroups. Warrior uses the Vulcan Mind Meld to convince Tornado to let him start, but Perfect demands Tornado, so Warrior emphatically tags out. Perfect jumps Tornado (Piper: “Smart on Perfect's part!”), but it backfires when Tornado reverses into a Discus Punch (Piper: Not so smart on Perfect's part.”). Tornado throws him across the ring, and Perfect goes to converse with Heenan. Warrior declares the huddle time over with a noggin-knocker and tosses Heenan into the front row because that's how he rolls. Gorilla: “It's open season on weasels!” Perfect uses the melee to remove a turnbuckle pad, but Tornado catches him only to spear the post just as Hawk did. Perfect with right hands and a kneelift, but he appears to be limping a little. Tornado wins a slugfest, but Perfect goes to the eyes and slams him headfirst into the exposed buckle (which Piper only now notices). Perfectplex ends Tornado's night at 11:02, and it's one-on-one. Warrior charges in with a Stinger Splash, but it airballs into the exposed buckle. Perfectplex gets two, much to Heenan's amazement. Perfect slugs away and stays on Warrior, adding knee smashes and a standing dropkick for two. Heenan is arguing with the outside ref over the count. Perfect pulls Warrior to his knees and chops him back down. A big clothesline off of a whip gets two, with Warrior throwing Perfect off him and onto the ref (totally accidental). Perfect rakes the eyes of Warrior with his kneepad, choking him on the bottom rope. Warrior finally blocks a roundhouse right and gets one of his own as he pumps up. Perfect goes flying on punches, clothesline combos, and a shoulder tackle and Ultimate Splash end the match at 14:20. Piper (trying to keep track of results): “I LOST MY PENCIL! SOMEONE GET ME A PENCIL!” Warrior beats up Heenan in accordance with Main Event Face Rules of 1990. **1/4 Kind of a cheap cop-out in the middle, but the Perfect/Warrior bit makes me want to see them do a 10-minute match. Not sure why Tornado got so little.

We go backstage to Sean Mooney, who's with the Million Dollar Team and Jimmy Hart, who is ready to survive. Mooney notes the mystery partner is still not there, but DiBiase assures us he'll be there. He promises a very big surprise. Koko is another bird that'll be stuffed on Thanksgiving, while the Hart Foundation will visit Heartbreak Hotel. And Dusty Rhodes, the common man, will be begging the rich man for mercy he won't receive.

MATCH TWO: Dusty Rhodes (45), Koko B. Ware (33), Bret Hart (33), and Jim Neidhart (35) vs. Ted DiBiase (36), Honky Tonk Man (37), Greg Valentine (39), and...

Either you know who the mystery partner is or you don't, but if you somehow don't, let Ted DiBiase school you:

“Like I've said a million times before: Everybody's got a price for the Million Dollar Man. So without further ado, let me introduce to you right now my mystery partner: led to the ring by his manager, Brother Love, weighing in at 320 pounds, from Death Valley, I give you THE UNDERTAKER.”

Yes, if it isn't the greatest mystery partner payoff in wrestling history, it's definitely in the top three. The only ones that come close are Ricky Steamboat as Dustin Rhodes's partner against Anderson and Zbyszko in 1992 and Hulk Hogan as the third man in 1996. And honestly, Steamboat's only there because it led to a five-star tag match. It's this or Hogan, folks. It should be noted that Undertaker is only 25 at this point, meaning that as a 26 year old he was already WWF Champion (he'd win the belt exactly one year in). And yeah, Paul Bearer wasn't always his manager, though to be fair, he was introduced shortly after and was by his side by Taker's first Mania match. And while most complete unknowns would draw either indifference or residual heat, the crowd is watching this giant of a man very nervously. Gorilla: “There's only supposed to be 4 members on a team; this guy makes 4½, maybe 5!” Bret volunteers to figure this guy out first, but he gets clubbed down before running into a chokeslam. Neidhart tries his luck and runs into a scoop slam. Koko is in next, but Taker just sidesteps him and Koko splats into the ropes. One Tombstone later and Koko's out at 1:39. Bret returns and tries punching down Taker, who just calmly tags in Valentine. Piper is openly cheering for Bret, which is no surprise. So Dusty comes in to duel with Valentine. Valentine forces Dusty into the corner but loses a chopfest and gets elbowed down. Neidhart in, and he attacks the arm, clubbing away at it. Bret keeps working the arm and sends Valentine into the corner. A blind charge hits the knee, however, and in comes Honky to kick away at the gut. Honky gets elbowed after stalling too much, but catches Bret with a knee. He stops to taunt, so Bret tags Neidhart in behind his back. Honky, as a result, runs into an Anvil powerslam and is sent packing at 4:16. DiBiase races in and attacks Anvil in the corner, but a whip is reversed and Anvil clotheslines DiBiase down. A big slam, and Dusty enters. DiBiase races to a neutral corner and eats ten elbows in countalong. Dusty with a dropkick (!!) and he brings Neidhart back in. A double back elbow gets two. Suplex gets two. Anvil flattens DiBiase with a shoulderblock, but Virgil trips Neidhart and DiBiase clotheslines him for the pin at 5:49. Bret races in and punches away, adding a headbutt. DiBiase begs off (from a tag team wrestler?) and gets sent into the corner. Then into Dusty's elbow, and there's the tag. Dusty does flip, flop, and fly on DiBiase, who recovers by raking the eyes. A clothesline from DiBiase and Taker is brought in. He gets a leaping stomp on Dusty, adding a roundhouse right. Bret comes in, and he gets sent into Valentine's boot as they tag. Taker chokes Bret for a count of four, Valentine adds elbows, and DiBiase comes in only to get hit with some right hands. An inverted atomic drop allows Dusty to get in, and they double-team him with chops. Dusty elbows DiBiase into... the wrong corner, and Taker tags himself in. He smashes down Dusty and adds a big knee to the gut. He goes up, takes two steps across the top rope, and drops an axhandle for the pin at 8:26. Dusty is dumped right by Brother Love as Bret attacks Undertaker. Meanwhile, Brother Love adds some cheap shots on the outside, which just wakes Dusty up and gets him to corner the Brother. Undertaker sees this and attacks Dusty, fighting him halfway down the aisle... and, because he was still legal, getting counted out at 9:17. He kinda had to be, since it's his debut and all. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Valentine has Bret down and out and goes for the figure-four, but Bret reverses to a cradle to pin him at 9:57, leaving us with DiBiase vs. Bret. Piper is going nuts on commentary, putting Bret over hard. Bret meets a frustrated DiBiase and atomic drops him to the outside, following with a slingshot plancha. DiBiase rakes the eyes on the outside, but Bret throws DiBiase off into the post, then into the steps. Back in the ring (Piper: “A six count! Get in the ring!”), and Bret has Sharpshooter position, but that move doesn't exist yet, so he just stomps the gut. At least, it doesn't exist in his arsenal yet. DiBiase and Bret fight in the corner now, with Bret landing European uppercuts but being sent across the ring chest-first by a Hammer Throw. DiBiase gets two. DiBiase backs Bret into the corner and works him over, adding chops, but he puts his head down and gets hit with a backslide for two. Bret with a headlock, and on the criss-cross, Bret trips and tweaks his knee... actually, no, he faked it and gets a cradle for two. Virgil protests on the apron, so Bret goes to take care of him and gets caught. DiBiase's running knee hits Virgil, however, and Bret with a schoolboy for two. Bret follows with a backbreaker, then a second rope elbowdrop. That also gets two. Crowd is into it. Piper's going nuts. Bret ducks a clothesline and gets a crossbody, but DiBiase rolls through and hangs on for the win to advance at 13:54. Bret mouths a bad word, but he gets the loser's ovation in the ring. And well deserved, as this was a fantastically booked Survivor Series match that made Bret Hart a future star while allowing DiBiase to retain his heat. It introduced a new monster heel and kept him strong, and everyone played their notes perfectly. ****

Gene Okerlund (just shy of 48) interviews the Vipers in the shower room (for Damien's sake). Roberts speaks for his team of survivors. Shawn survived having his knee snapped by Power and Glory. Marty, the tag specialist survived on his own. Snuka has the scars of time written on his face, and of course he's a survivor. And Roberts? Well, his eye tells the whole story. They're not lambs to the slaughter; and don't think you're picking cherries, because Damien will fall out of the tree.

MATCH THREE: Rick Martel (34), The Warlord (28), Hercules (34), and Paul Roma (30) vs. Jake Roberts (35), Jimmy Snuka (47), Shawn Michaels (25), and Marty Jannetty (30)

Yeah, Snuka was old even then. Piper (about Warlord): “On the hoof, 330 [pounds], baby! No fat. Except in the bean.” Gorilla: “The bean?” Piper: “Between the ears, we got about, oh, 90-95% fat.” Roberts is still “blind” in his left eye. Snuka was the original Phenom, with Undertaker inheriting the moniker after beating Snuka at WrestleMania VII. Marty and Warlord start. Marty ducks Warlord and does sticking and moving, slapping Warlord on the back, which just angers him. Warlord throws Marty around, but Marty runs circles and goes for dropkicks that are brushed aside. Marty keeps moving away from Warlord's stomps then slides every which way, taking out Roma and Martel as he does. The Rockers with a dropkick/sunset flip combo for two. Warlord corners Shawn in the wrong corner and tags in Martel, but Shawn sends him into a neutral turnbuckle. Shawn reverses and armdrag and lands a dropkick and monkey flip before bringing Jake in. Martel races to tag in Roma and leaves. Roma works Jake's back, and a high leapfrog just leaves him open. Jake holds the arm and brings Snuka in, who headbutts Roma but gets his eyes raked. It's no-sold, so Roma brings Hercules in. Hercules bowls over Snuka but runs into a Fiji Chop, making him bring in Warlord. A standoff leads to Snuka running the ropes only to get slammed. Snuka with a dropkick as he recovers, and he brings Marty back in. Warlord goes CLUBBERIN on Marty and adds a bearhug, but Marty escapes and lands a second-rope standing elbow. Warlord catches the second try into a powerslam, though, and pins Marty at 5:03. Shawn enters and punches away, seemingly getting caught but adjusting and getting a rana before bringing Jake in. Jake with the short punches, but out of the corner a clothesline does nothing. Warlord eats boot on a blind charge, and Jake gets the short clothesline. Shawn gets two off of it, but gets kicked out out of the ring. Roma enters and jumps Shawn. He kicks away at the external occipetal protuberance, and then the head. Warlord in, and he gives Shawn a HYOOGE back body drop (Piper acts like an airline pilot to call it). It gets two for Hercules. Hercules adds a nasty clothesline, which Shawn spins to sell. Martel in, and he drops a knee for two. Martel clubs away in the corner and gets a rib breaker for two. Roma enters next, and he clubs away on Shawn and throws him into the corner for the flip corner bump Shawn does. Martel gets two off of it. Martel goes on offense, but he too hits the post on a charge, and it's hot tag Snuka. He corners Martel and stomps and kicks away. A back bodry drop by Snuka and Martel's in trouble. A flying coco butt gets two. Martel whips Snuka, who gets a reverse bodypress, but Martel rolls through (with the tights) to eliminate him at 9:28. In comes Jake, who corners Martel, but his dive to get him allows Martel to tag in Hercules and everyone calls time. Shawn fires up the crowd in the corner as Hercules and Jake jockey for position. Hercules rams shoulders to the gut, but he puts his head down and gets hit with a kneelift. DDT try, but Hercules escapes. Jake is frustrated while Slick calls a huddle. Martel has an idea, and the idea is to get on Jake's blind side and nail him with a clothesline from the apron. They get on his good side, but the plan works anyway. Piper nearly curses Martel out. Gorilla points out it WAS his good side. Roma in, and he clubs away on Jake, adding stomps. Bodyslam sets up a flying fistdrop, but Jake rolls away. Roma's too busy going “Ow! My hand!” that he doesn't stop the tag to Shawn. Shawn with a leaping back elbow on Roma, then a suplex off of a duck-down by Roma. Second-rope Heartbreak elbow gets two. Atomic drop to Roma, who tags Hercules, which means when Shawn levels him on the rebound, Hercules comes in and drops an elbow on Shawn. Hercules pounds away on Shawn, giving him a lariat. Hercules with a military press slam and he casually tags Martel in. Martel punches down Shawn, then Hercules comes back and punches Shawn into the corner. He knows it's the end, so he sets Shawn up, tags Roma, and it's the PowerPlex (a superplex by Hercules into a big splash off the top rope by Roma – someone NEEDS to make that a tag finisher) to eliminate Shawn at 15:40. So it's 4 on 1 now, and things look REAL bad, but the crowd encourages Jake on. Jake calls them all on, and Hercules tags in. Hercules kicks Jake during a test of strength, then brings in Warlord. Warlord clubs away, throws Jake across the ring, and locks in a bearhug. Jake fights out and knocks Roma off the apron, and while Roma protests to the ref, Jake nails the DDT on Warlord. Martel sees the ref is distracted and goes for his cologne, but Jake avoids another eye shot and unleashes Damian. Jake and Damian chase Martel out of the building, which is bad because Martel isn't the legal man and Jake is. Jake is counted out at 17:42, and all four opponents advance. **3/4 I know this was effectively a squash and all, but at the same time, the Rockers kept things interesting, Roma and Martel's athleticism (and arrogant attitude) played very well as heels, and the story of Martel avoiding Jake carried the match. Don't let the clean sweep fool you – this is still a fun match.

The Royal Rumble is on January 19, 1991. Don't miss it. I admit that message would've meant more back then.

Piper's so tired he needs a towel.

We go backstage to the Hulkamaniacs. Hogan says each Hulkamaniac serves a purpose on the team towards survival in this time of chaos. Duggan and his 2x4 is a weapon. Tugboat is as strong as a battleship. And things can get out of hand, but Boss Man will enforce the rules. Boss Man says he's survived all his life, and tonight, he'll get his hands on Heenan. Tugboat agrees he's like a battleship – loaded and ready. Duggan says it's time for excitement. The blood's pumping hard. Oh, and he has yellow ribbons on his 2x4. As Hogan explains, it's for the troops in the Middle East (in 1990, yellow ribbons became a symbol for supporting the troops), and when the match is over, they volunteer to go serve in Desert Shield. I kinda wish President Bush called Vince's bluff on that one.

MATCH FOUR: Earthquake (27), Dino Bravo (42), Haku (31), and Barbarian (32) vs. Hulk Hogan (37), Big Boss Man (27), Tugboat (34), and Jim Duggan (36)

Piper: “Well, first off, this ain't no beauty contest. We can say that right now.” Piper, who has been slanting toward the faces all night, openly admits he'll stay neutral in this match because he's not a fan of any of the wrestlers. This kinda makes sense, since I couldn't see Piper ever being a Hogan cheerleader. Boss Man is already sweating heavily just getting to the ring. Piper: “What are they yelling? I can't understand them.” Gorilla: “Hogan.” Piper: “Hogan.” (pause) “That may be the dumbest question I've ever asked.” Duggan and Haku start. It's a full-on slugfest, which Haku wins, but a bodypress try is ducked. Duggan clotheslines Haku all over the place, adding a back elbow and standing clothesline. An elbowdrop misses, and Bravo comes in. He adds an inverted atomic drop on Duggan and tags Barbarian. The Faces of Fear work over Duggan, but Boss Man tags himself in. He punches away and knocks down Haku, who reverses a whip and gets a dropkick. But Boss Man reverses and gets the Scrapbuster to send Haku packing at 3:15. Barbarian quickly in, but he eats a boot and elbowsmash. Heenan jumps on the apron and pays for it, but Barbarian can't take advantage until he reverses a hiptoss to a suplex. Barbarian knocks Boss Man down and goes up, but the ropewalk elbow misses. Duggan in, and he gives Barbarian a huge back body drop. Barbarian tags Bravo in, and he clubs away, bringing in Quake for a double clothesline. Earthquake corners Duggan and squashes him until Duggan escapes and tries a slam, but yeah, no. Duggan recovers and staggers Quake with shoulder blocks, but Jimmy Hart lowers the top rope and Duggan spills out. Duggan chases Hart and grabs his 2x4 for justice, but Hart races into the ring and Duggan beats up Quake with it for the DQ at 6:12. Duggan regrets his actions, but leaves, and Hogan enters and attacks Quake. The heels race in and are slammed, and that leaves Quake. Despite Piper's protests, he succeeds in slamming Quake. Piper: “All right, that's the first time I've been wrong since '54.” Hogan with the corner Axe Bomber, and he goes for ten punches. Piper questions why he didn't try to pin Quake after the slam. Case in point: Quake pulls Hogan off the corner and powerslams him. Bravo in with a running elbowdrop or two, and he tells his team what to do, but that allows Hogan to small package Bravo and pin him at 7:59. Hogan wisely tags Boss Man in to face Quake. Quake reverses a whip but misses the charge, and Boss Man goes up (!), only to be caught by Quake (!!!). Hogan pushes the pile over, getting two for Boss Man. Quake no-sells some shoulderblocks, and Barbarian kicks Boss Man in the back, allowing Quake to get a slam and series of elbows for the pin at 9:08. Hogan races in and attacks Quake, getting the big boot and lariat. He knocks over Barbarian and sends Quake into Tugboat's boot. Another Axe Bomber and Hogan tries another slam, but Quake clubs out of it. Hogan tries again, and Quake falls on top for two. Piper is surprised Hogan would make that mistake. Quake tries a traditional big splash but misses, and Hogan brings in Tugboat for the first time in the match. Piper notes they were saving Tugboat for a situation like this, and Tugboat indeed comes in and attacks Quake. He staggers Quake to the ropes, and Hogan pulls Quake out of the ring. Everyone follows, and Quake shoves Hogan into the post. Anyway, during the melee, the legal men (Quake and Tugboat) are counted out at 11:33, leaving Hogan against Barbarian. Barbarian takes advantage of Hogan's bad back and clubs him down, throwing him in. He slams his fist into Hogan's back repeatedly and dumps him to the outside. Hogan returns and gets stomped. Barbarian gets a piledriver... almost, as Hogan's head slid out as the announcers note. It gets two anyway. Hogan buys some time with a double clothesline, but Barbarian naturally is up first. Barbarian with the Kick of Fear to Hogan and he goes up top, landing his diving clothesline finisher for... well, two. Hulk up, yadda yadda yadda Legdrop, it's over at 14:49. Decent power match. *3/4 Hogan gets the honor of beating up Heenan, as per the rule cited earlier.

We cut to the interview stage, where Okerlund will interview Randy Savage (just turned 38). Gorilla says it's an intermission, but we see the interview anyway. Savage is on the sedan carried by four jobbers. Okerlund and Savage discuss a recent Brother Love show, where Warrior was accosted by Queen Sherri asking for a title shot. Warrior refused to answer, so Sherri slapped Warrior, hoping to get him mad enough to attack her and open the door for Savage to counter-attack. As it turns out, Warrior kept his cool (Savage: “The Ultimate Chicken!”). This would lead to Savage smashing Warrior with a scepter at Royal Rumble to get the belt on Sgt. Slaughter. This in turn would lead to the retirement match, the greatest career-on-the-line match in WWF history (although I'm willing to hear arguments for Shawn/Taker II). Anyway, Savage calls himself the greatest superstar ever, the past and future, and the man who owns the WWF Title that Warrior has. Savage says he may retire as champion after beating Warrior, since he'll have nothing left to prove. He promises that everyone will realize his greatness when he meets Warrior.

MATCH FIVE: Nikolai Volkoff (43), Tito Santana (37), Luke Williams (43), and Butch Miller (46) vs. Sgt. Slaughter (42), Boris Zhukov (30), Akio Sato (37), and Pat Tanaka (29)

Not exactly a cavalcade of star power here, eh? Mean Gene catches up with Slaughter, who cuts a promo taunting the troops over Thanksgiving dinner being K-rations for them. He then promises he'll show what an Iraqi soldier is made of in the ring. The heels are all wearing facepaint in sarge's camo pattern. Piper is absolutely ANGRY at Sgt. Slaughter. Butch punches away at Zhukov's gut to start, and the Bushwackers get a double clothesline. Tito enters, and it's a quick Flying Jalapeno to dispose of him at 48 seconds. Sato attacks Santana early, adding a low jumping kick. Sato with Booker T's arm wrench kick and Tanaka's in, but miscommunication disposes of Sato. Butch runs over Tanaka, and he and Luke get the Battering Ram on Sato to pin him at 1:46. Tanaka chops down Butch, but a Santino headbutt misses and Santana lands another Flying Jalapeno to end his night at 2:13. Slaughter's already 1-on-4, and Volkoff demands a chance to punch him down. Volkoff with a whip and big boot, then a leaping boot, but a second big kick is caught and Slaughter bowls him over. Slaughter with elbowdrops as everyone chants USA for the Lithuanian, Mexican, and two New Zealanders. A kneeling elbowsmash by Slaughter keeps Volkoff down, and Sarge slowly wears down Volkoff. A series of chops to the gut Big Show style stagger Volkoff, then Slaughter sends Volkoff into the turnbuckle battering ram style. Sarge works a slow pace on Volkoff, getting a dropkick (who knew) and spitting on him. A snapmare and elbowdrop end Nikolai's night at 5:25. Butch enters, and the Bushwackers double-team Sarge with a double slam and double clothesline. It gets ONE. Luke with a back elbow, but he goes up top and hits the knees coming off. A gutbuster ends Luke at 6:30. Butch charges in, but he gets Hammer Thrown and clotheslined down for the pin at 6:53. So it's Slaughter/Santana now, and Slaughter loses count to celebrate allowing Santana to get him from behind. Back body drop on Sarge, and a top rope forearm gets two. Santana with repeated gut kicks, but Sarge blocks a monkey flip and Santana lands hard. A swinging neckbreaker by Sarge gets two. Sarge with a rib breaker for two. Tito fires off with rights from a kneeling position, but gets cut off and Sarge gets a suplex for two. Sarge tries to work the arm, but Tito escapes only to get bumped into the ref. Fortunately, there's two refs in these matches. Santana with another Flying Jalapeno, but General Adnan slams the Iraqi flagpole into Santana's back. Referee #2 saw it and tells Referee #1, so when Sarge applies the Camel Clutch, it's all for naught because he's been disqualified at 10:52. Well, that was a downer of a match. 1/2* I understand you need to keep Slaughter from losing cleanly AND build him up AND make sure he doesn't cross with Hogan or Warrior, but is this the best you could do?

Sean Mooney interviews the heel side in the finale. Martel brags about surviving intact, living up to his “vision”. It's about unity and teamwork, and now that they have DiBiase's resources, they are destined to win. DiBiase has promised the Visionaries a hefty bonus to them to make sure they survive. Tito Santana may be great, but he's in the right place at the wrong time. As for Hogan and Warrior... well, heck, they just fought at WrestleMania VI, do you really think they can be a team? And that's why DiBiase's team will win.

Tomorrow night, Warrior vs DiBiase for the WWF Title on Friday Night's Main Event!

Oh geez, do I have to review this next bit? Oh, all right. Okerlund is next to the big egg and speculates as to what could be in there. A rabbit? Balloons? The Playmate of the Month? IF ONLY. No, what's in there instead is... the Gobbledy Gooker. The crowd boos it heavily as they realize what a letdown THAT is. Then, in ten minutes no human being will ever get back, he and Okerlund dance in the ring. This happened. People paid money to see it. Fun fact: the Gobbledy Gooker is the uncle of the Swagger Soaring Eagle. Piper offers to make him the Survivor Series' official mascot. Man, he's taking this show harder than I thought!

Sean Mooney interviews the face side and asks if they're worried about being outnumbered. Hogan points out that the crowd's on their side, so really, the opponents are outnumbered. Hogan puts over Warrior's intensity and meteoric rise, then puts over Santana's experience as an original superstar in the WWF, there since Day 1. So officially, WWF history begins in 1983. Santana gives a generic pumped up promo promising to survive. Warrior continues the theme that the crowd is on their side. “YOU, Power and Glory, are a reminder that we feed off such things.” That's a good line. Warrior tries to name each wrestler's fanbase (Hulkamania, Warrior Wildness), but realizes Santana's never had a nickname for his fanbase and makes one up (Arriba-derci). Hogan finishes up with his catchphrase as everyone's ready to go.

GRAND FINALE MATCH OF SURVIVAL: Rick Martel, Warlord, Hercules, Paul Roma, and Ted DiBiase vs. Hulk Hogan, Tito Santana, and Ultimate Warrior

This is basically the closest that half the people in this match will get to calling themselves main eventers. I think Santana's here as a lifetime achievement award. To be fair, Martel may be for the same reason, though he was a former AWA Champion. The other Visionaries are just filler. And to prove my point, Hogan slugs Warlord after a cheap shot on Santana, and Tito recovers with the Flying Jalapeno to eliminate Warlord in 28 seconds. Roma races in and attacks Tito, getting a powerslam and bringing in DiBiase. DiBiase with a kneedrop and suplex on Santana for two. Santana ducks a clothesline and gets one of his own. He follows with a corner whip and back body drop. Flying Jalapeno airballs, though, and DiBiase gets the Stun Gun to pin Tito at 1:51. Hogan in, and he can't be bought. Hogan with rights in the corner, and a running boot in the opposite corner. Hogan puts his head down, and DiBiase kicks him and knocks him down, handing him off to Hercules. Hercules pounds Hogan's back, adding a standing lariat and bringing in Roma. Roma with a single axhandle off the top rope for two. Roma clubs Hogan's back some before Martel comes in and continues working the back. Axhandles to the kidney area keep Martel in control before bringing Hercules back in. Hercules with a dozen or so right hands, backing Hogan into a corner. One final right hand drops Hogan to one knee. Hercules then slams Hogan's head into the buckle over and over before bringing DiBiase in. DiBiase with an axhandle off the second rope for two. DiBiase does his fistdrops on Hogan, getting two for that. Hercules back in with right hands to Hogan and he puts him in the corner. It's PowerPlex time, and Roma's splash gets two. Roma thinks it's three and gloats, but he turns straight into an Axe Bomber and is pinned by Hogan at 5:57. Martel races in and keeps the advantage on Hogan, but puts his head down and Hogan kicks him. Hot tag Warrior, who kicks Martel in the gut eleventy million times. Hammer throw and back drop follow, and Warrior clears the corner. This gives Martel only a temporary advantage, as Warrior slams Martel and facejams him. Hogan back in, and it's the punches and big boot. Hogan clotheslines Martel out of the ring, and Martel says nuts to this and leaves at 7:17. DiBiase is understandably upset by this, and now it's Hogan and Warrior, working together, against DiBiase and Hercules. Hogan overpowers DiBiase, getting a corner clothesline as DiBiase begs off. Alley Oop corner bomb by Hogan, and DiBiase eats the usual and is gone at 8:30. Hercules doesn't stand a chance, and he gets slammed by Hogan and tackled and splashed by Warrior to end the night at 9:07. Hogan counts along with the ref for fun. Hogan and Warrior survive. *1/4 Eh, this was a harmless house show style main event used to show the Hogan/Warrior issue is dead and buried.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Maybe it's nostalgia running wild here, but the concept of the Grand Finale Match of Survival isn't the worst in the world. It just needs a reward at the end. Perhaps a title match at TLC or something would be the order of the day, and if the Champ wins it, he gets the night off. The final match added a nice wrinkle and allowed different people to say they've main evented. As for the matches themselves, they ranged from a waste of time to an underrated classic.

Still, this is a must-watch in parts, if only for the historical impact of seeing Undertaker's debut. DiBiase and Bret have a fantastic mini-match that carries their match, and Warrior and Hogan cutting two promos on the night is always fun in a throwback way. Plus, the seeds were sown for Warrior/Savage, and Hogan and DiBiase may have FINALLY gotten their finish.

STATS:

MATCH TIME: 80:44 in only six matches (thirty-eight decisions, 29% of them being countout or DQ)

BEST MATCH: Dream Team vs Million Dollar Team

WORST MATCH: Alliance vs Mercenaries

NIGHT MVP: Hulk Hogan (with four pinfalls)

FINAL SCORE: Well, I love it, but objectively, it's about a 6.5. The Dusty/DiBiase tag match is must-watch for just about every reason, but the Gobbledy Gooker and the Slaughter match bring it down. Still, definitely worth finding on YouTube like I did.

See you tomorrow as PG Week continues with a few thousand words on then and now in off-screen scandal.