The
PG Era Rant for Tribute to the Troops 2013 (NBC Edit).
Okay,
no need to say what happened the last time we left our “heroes”,
because as WWE loves to point out, tonight's show is FOR the heroes.
From
Lewis-McChord Joint Base in Tacoma, WA.
Your
hosts are Michael Cole and JBL.
We
open with Daniel Bryan on his way to the ring. Our troops need to
work on their YES.
But
as he fires up the crowd, we get the opening credits and a look back
at our last 10 Tributes. It includes footage of surprise troop
family reunions that NEVER get old.
I
take it back; the troops have been YES-ing right along with Bryan all
throughout the credits. But before we can get too much into the
spirit, the Wyatt Family heads to the ring.
Daniel
Bryan v. Bray Wyatt. Bray throws Bryan around, but Bryan comes back
with kicks only to run into a back elbow. They must be in an
airplane hangar – acoustics are bad and Bray's blowing steam. Bray
works Bryan over in the corner and Hammer Throws him. Bray punches
Bryan in the corner and charges, but Bryan flips over and gets his
comeback. Bryan with YES Kicks, including the roundhouse, and he
goes up top for the Ram Jam. Harper and Rowan race in for the DQ at
1:43. It's 3-on-1 against Bryan, but CM Punk races down and urges
them to bring it. He races past Rowan, low bridges Harper, and dives
onto both of them before pulling Bryan up. And now Vickie Guerrero
emerges from the back to break it up. She ejects Bray from ringside
and changes the match. HOLLA! (takes drink)
Luke
Harper & Erick Rowan v. CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Joined in
progress with Punk and Bryan working Rowan over in the corner. Bray
was allowed to stay at ringside after all. Rowan lands a back elbow
on Bryan. Harper in, and he drops a pair of elbows for two. To the
chinlock, as we look over a C-17 in the backdrop. Bryan fights out,
but gets clobbered. Rowan back in, and an elbowdrop gets two. Neck
crank follows as everyone can see their breath. Even JBL has to
admit it. Bryan fights out but runs into a fallaway slam. Rowan
misses a falling something, and hot tag Punk. A series of
clotheslines staggers Rowan, as does a roundhouse kick, so Punk
finally sends him down with a springboard clothesline. Running knee
in the corner, and the duck-under spinning neckbreaker follows. Punk
calls for GTS and succeeds in getting him up, but now Bray runs in
for the DQ at 2:52. 3/4*
So who's next to make the save? How about John Cena. Cena cleans
house and saves Punk and Bryan as a standoff happens. Hey, here's
Vickie again. HOLLA! (takes another drink)
Bray
Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Erick Rowan v. CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and
John Cena. Joined in progress as Bray crushes Punk in the corner and
does the inverted look. Harper in, and he hooks the Gator Roll on
Punk. They have people watching from on top of a helicopter. Punk
gets to his feet, but Harper pushes off only to get hit with the
spinning neckbreaker Punk does. Harper bounces everyone off the face
corner and suplexes Punk, but he doesn't get anything because Cena
distracts the ref looking for revenge. Rowan in, and he gets a
reverse powerslam into a backbreaker for two. If you go to the
dot-com, Michael Cole interviews the Governor of Washington. Anyway,
Bray in as he traps Punk in a neutral corner and puts him on it, but
Punk headbutts Bray down and gets a diving bodypress. Harper in, but
it's hot tag Cena and Cena goes into Comeback Mode. He taunts Rowan
with You Can't See Me and drops the Five-Knuckle Shuffle on Harper.
Harper slides out of the AA, but the STF is on, and Rowan has to
save. Everybody's in the ring now, and Harper's left alone at the
end to get hit with GTS, Running Knee, and AA for the pin at 4:00.
*1/2
I know I missed quite a bit in the matches that was during the
break, so don't really give too much to my ratings.
Clips
of celebrities saying thank you to the troops: Bruce Willis (born on
a US base in Germany) and Ryan Seacrest this time.
Later
tonight, Jeff Dunham and Daughtry.
Michelle
Beadle (the other woman in the ridiculous AJ temper scandal)
interviews Army Ranger Col. Hodges, the head of the base.
Santino
Marella is in the ring to introduce Daughtry (as only he can).
Daughtry
performs their new song “Waiting for Superman”.
We
see Maj. Gen. Stephen Lanza, the head of the Infantry Division of the
base.
Fandango
v. R-Truth. So apparently this is like a Saturday Night's Main Event
where everything goes from most to least desirable. That's the only
explanation for why we haven't seen Jeff Dunham yet. Fun fact: this
is twice now I've wanted to type “Duh-nam” and caught myself.
Truth with a headlock takedown into a reversal sequence, and Round
Two ends in Truth getting crunk or something. High hiptoss by Truth
has Fandango groggy. A big uppercut and Truth rains down punches in
the corner but gets thrown off. Fandango with a clothesline, but he
runs into leg lariat. Truth adds a series of clotheslines, followed
by a sitout front suplex for two. Axe Kick misses as Fandango bails
and gets a rope-pull kick, but he runs into Little Jimmy to get
pinned at 1:48. Truth celebrates with the troops.
More
celebrity thank-yous: Alec Baldwin and Will Ferrell (“Stay classy,
US Armed Forces”).
The
Bella Twins introduce Jeff Dunham.
Dunham
(and Peanut) mis-perform the Night Before Christmas, as a commentary
on 2013. Big Show appears and says it's his turn and he has to cut
them off. YAY BIG SHOW!
Big
Show v. Damien Sandow. Sandow comments on how ridiculous the show
has been so far and says his New Year's Resolution is to win the
gold. Sandow tries a waistlock, but yeah right, so Show bumps Sandow
down. Big headbutt follows, then a STINKFACE OF DOOM. Yes, that
happened. Show rips off Sandow's shirt and does the CHOP OF DOOM to
him. Sandow chops away to no effect as Show just stares at him
incredulously, then plants him with a chop. Clotheslines follow,
then an avalanche and shoulderblock. It's chokeslam time (“USA!”),
and he calls to the fans before loading up the right hand and
connecting for the pin at 2:04. But BRYAN'S music plays as Punk,
Bryan, and Cena return to YES all the way with Big Show. The locker
room follows with YES FOR EVERYONE. Even Cole and JBL join in. The
roster fills the ring and shakes hands with troops at ringside.
Everyone is YES-ing (well, except the unconscious Sandow) as we end
the show.
Not
commenting, not recapping, not statting, just saying: thank you,
ladies and gentlemen who allow me to stay alive. Thank you.