You
know, you didn't disappoint me. I knew, once I said you could pick a
WrestleMania, you'd choose this one. And you did. The Internet is
nothing if not predictable. Okay... let's get this overwith.
The
PG Era Rant for WrestleMania IX. Original airdate April 4, 1993.
Aired
live from Las Vegas, NV.
Your
host is Gorilla Monsoon, who welcomes us to the event and passes it
on to our play-by-play man, Jim Ross. Jim is making his WWF debut at
this event, which is a huge deal and is in no way lessened by the
fact that he has to dress up in a toga like everyone else, no matter
what they tell you.
Opening
Ceremonies: “Julius Caesar” and “Cleopatra” welcome us all to
the event. We also have Randy Savage (riding in on a sedan and being
fed by vestal virgins) and, more famously, Bobby Heenan (on a camel,
facing backwards) make their entrance to be Ross's color men.
Apparently, Savage was supposed to ride the camel and Heenan the
sedan. At least, that's what JR believed. Or what Heenan told him,
I mean. Also, Heenan's underpants match his toga. Thanks for
showing us, Macho. It should be noted that Savage is not in a toga,
but that's because if anything, his fringe cowboy outfit is even more
ridiculous.
MATCH
ONE: Intercontinental Championship: Shawn Michaels (27) vs. Tatanka
(31)
Luna
Vachon debuts with Shawn Michaels. The story here is that Tatanka,
yet to be pinned in the WWF, defeated Shawn Michaels in a non-title
match on Raw to earn this match. It's a good idea for a title match,
but it needs to used sparingly or the champ looks weak. See Ambrose,
Dean. Meanwhile, at the Royal Rumble, Shawn fired Sherri after a
mishap almost cost him the title to Marty Jannetty, so Sherri is in
Tatanka's corner out of spite. Supposedly, Shawn's shoulder is not
100%, thanks to a six-man tag he and Tatanka were in.
Shawn
takes his time getting out of his outfit and ready for battle. Shawn
gets takedowns to start, but Tatanka fights out of both of them and a
stalemate ensues. Shawn works a headlock, but Tatanka reverses to a
hammerlock. Shawn goes for an overhead wristlock and powers Tatanka
down, but Tatanka bridges up and shoves Shawn down. Heenan and
Savage already are at each other's throats. Shawn back to the
headlock. Tatanka tries to shove him off with the turnbuckle, but
Shawn hangs on and gets a two-count. Shawn runs up another corner,
but Tatanka gets a back suplex and chops away. Shawn bails to the
top rope off of a corner whip, but gets caught with a flying armdrag.
Shawn does the proper Flair Flip, and Tatanka chops him to the
floor. Sherri prevents Luna from helping Shawn up as the crowd loves
it. They REALLY want Sherri to get her hands on Shawn. Shawn tries
to get in, but Tatanka cuts him off with overhead chops. Shawn goes
to the eyes to slow Tatanka down and sends him into the buckle. He
goes up top, and a flying sunset flip (almost) gets two. A Bionic
Elbowsmash follows. Tatanka with an inverted atomic drop off a
criss-cross, and he chops Shawn HARD. Shawn puts his head down on a
whip, and Tatanka gets a single-arm DDT and works the injured arm.
He twists and chops the arm to maintain control. Shawn tries to
break with the hair, but Sherri alerts the ref and it doesn't work.
Heenan gets on Savage for hair-pulling, while Shawn breaks the armbar
and clotheslines Tatanka with the BAD ARM. Tatanka no-sells and
works the arm some more. Here's the fun part: it wasn't hair-pulling
that Savage cheated with. Shawn backs Tatanka into the corner and
boxes away, but he hits the post on a blind charge and Tatanka's back
onto the arm. Heenan: “Boy, I like to watch this Luna. She is
something.” JR: “What is she?” Shawn punches out of the
armbar, but gets caught trying to vault Tatanka in the corner and
Tatanka gets a shoulder-breaker and elbowdrop. Tatanka goes up, and
it's an overhead chop on the shoulder. Second time up, though, Shawn
nails Sweet Chin Music (which is just a secondary move at this point,
so no pin attempt). Shawn dumps Tatanka over the top, and Luna
stalks over, but again Sherri cuts her off. So Shawn exits and slams
Tatanka's head into the apron. He then jumps onto the apron and off
of it, clotheslining Tatanka. Randy Savage's commentary leaves a lot
to be desired here. Shawn kicks Tatanka to keep him out of the ring,
then taunts Sherri, who looks away in disgust. Savage suggests
Sherri could beat Shawn. Shawn with a right hand on Tatanka, and he
brings him in for a swinging neckbreaker for two. Standing dropkick
by Shawn gets two. We HIT THE CHINLOCK now, as Heenan notes that
Luna is pacing back and forth. Savage: “She looks like an animal.
You're right, Weasel.” JR: “You are right, Weasel.” Heenan:
“I am right, We... knock it off.” Tatanka elbows out, but Shawn
corners him and punches him down. He tries to vault over Tatanka
into a Victory Roll position, but he's out of position, so they just
roll with it for two. So Shawn boxes Tatanka again to signal they'll
try it again, and this time he gets on Tatanka's shoulders via the
top rope... which leads to the electric chair from Tatanka for a
double KO. Tatanka crawls on top for two. Big elbowdrop from
Tatanka misses, and Shawn goes up. He nails Tatanka with an
axhandle... but Tatanka begins the War Dance. More shots do nothing,
and Tatanka catches the superkick and chops the HECK out of Shawn.
Tatanka goes up, forgoing a cover, and a flying bodypress gets two.
Shawn whips Tatanka, but his dropkick is caught and Tatanka catapults
him into the post for two. Heenan is getting frantic. End of the
Trail is set up, but Shawn with a crucifix for two. Shawn punches
Tatanka and goes up, but Tatanka catches and powerslams him for two.
The crowd was CERTAIN that was it. Shawn suckers Tatanka in and
throws him outside, and he tries the apron dive again, but Tatanka
moves and Shawn eats the steps. That leads to a countout, but Shawn
pulls the ref down to stop the bell and continues. He runs into the
End of the Trail... but, well, it's still a countout at 18:13.
Savage is upset at what he sees as the referee's gaffe. Great
opener. Tatanka should've won the belt here, and I don't understand
why he didn't. ***3/4
Luna beats up Sherri after the match before Tatanka runs her off.
Gene
Okerlund (50) interviews the Steiner Brothers. Man, it's weird
seeing Scott looking human. Scott promises everyone will remember
their WrestleMania debut. Rick says they'll do what they do best:
wrestle. And in doing so, they'll make Julius Caesar proud. Does
Rick know Caesar's dead?
MATCH
TWO: Samu (29) and Fatu (27) vs. Rick Steiner (32) and Scott Steiner
(30)
Afa
is with the Samoans. Rick and Scott are just two amateur superstars
from Michigan, and the announcers make a big deal about how Michigan
is on a roll, as they'll be playing for the men's basketball title
the next night. That game the next night (against North Carolina) is
rather famous in NCAA lore.
JR
calls the match a slobberknocker and says it'll be smash-mouth. He's
on a roll. Heenan: “Never mind. I speak English.” Fatu –
already with a large rump – opens with Scott. For those who don't
know, yes, Fatu grew bigger and became Rikishi and is the Uso father.
Scott opens with an armdrag. He follows with an amateur takedown
for one, followed by controlling the arm. Fatu headbutts Scott's
chest in the corner, but Scott throws him out. A tackle goes
nowhere, but Scott wins a slugfest with a Steinerline. Fatu goes to
the eyes, and the Headshrinkers double-team Scott, so Samu knocks him
over. The Steiners are thrown out, but they climb the same corner
and do a double diving clothesline on the Shrinkers. Samu and Fatu
bail as the Steiners hit the Doghouse pose. Afa slams heads together
to wake the Headshrinkers up. Meanwhile, JR reports that Luna's
keeping the attack up backstage. Back in, Fatu and Scott tie up, but
it goes nowhere and Rick is in. Samu tags in as well. Samu knocks
over Rick with a chop, then pounds on him in the corner, with a whip
and clothesline following. Rick fires out of a second whip with a
big clothesline of his own. Samu rams into the post headfirst (so no
damage), and Scott tags in to get a butterfly suplex before
dropkicking Fatu. Samu catches Scott on a whip and Hotshots him out
of the ring right by Afa, who WHACKS Scott with a Polynesian cane to
the back. Fatu slams Scott on the outside, and back in, Samu bites
the forehead. Samu attacks Scott's back and smashes his head into
Fatu's before tagging Fatu in. Both men go CLUBBERIN, THEY BE
CLUBBERIN TONY on Scott, and Fatu adds a backbreaker and second-rope
headbutt. It gets two, Rick saves. As he's escorted out, the
Shrinkers get a double headbutt. Samu with a 360 roundhouse kick,
but a blind charge eats boot. Fatu cuts off the hot tag and sends
Scott to the outside. Fatu cons Rick into the ring, and Samu throws
Scott into a nearby post as he lands in front of the announcers.
Savage says he grazed his monitor as well. Rick helps Scott in, and
Scott gets a facejam on Fatu which OF COURSE he no-sells, getting a
superkick. Samu in, and they get a double bite. Samu with a camel
clutch and elbowdrop, following up with a standing dropkick. Scott
is sent into Fatu's head and nearly fights away, but Samu pokes the
eyes and brings in Fatu. The Headshrinkers get a variant of
Demolition Decapitation, and Fatu gets two off of it. VULCAN NERVE
PINCH OF DOOM follows. Scott elbows out, and a double clothesline
leads to a double KO. Samu in, and he stomps Scott in the gut and
chops him. More clubbing follows. A headbutt floors Scott, then a
slam and he goes up. Diving headbutt misses, and it's hot tag Rick.
He goes to town on Fatu and Steinerlines everyone. A double
noggin-knocker proves to be a VERY BAD IDEA AGAINST SAMOANS, and they
double headbutt Rick down. Double front legsweep is their setup
move, and they go for a Doomsday Bodypress, but Rick catches Samu and
belly-to-belly suplexes him for two, Fatu saves. That was SCARY
impressive. Scott in, and he belly-to-bellies Fatu, but celebrates
and gets superkicked by Samu. Samu with a big slam, but Scott
reverses a whip and a huracanrana ends the match at 14:22. This is
proof you don't need lots of fancy moves to put on a great match: the
Headshrinkers had been one of the top tag teams in the late territory
era as the Samoan Swat Team, and they used basic offense with great
timing and ring psychology to put on a great match. ***1/4
Meanwhile,
Doink has vandalized a Julius Caesar bust.
MATCH
THREE: Doink the Clown (Matt Osborne, 34) vs. Crush (about to turn
29)
There's
a feud here, as it turns out: Doink was trying to appease Crush with
a flower while his arm was in a sling, but as Crush turned his back,
Doink pulled the now-obviously-fake arm out of the sling and smashed
Crush upside the head repeatedly with it. Doink, in the pre-match
interview, promises he'll make Crush see double vision before the
match is over.
Heenan
says Doink looks familiar. Doink sprays Crush with a flower, which
causes Crush to chase him around the ring. Crush catches and
headbutts Doink, then slams him on the floor. Crush throws Doink
into the post (as Savage cheers him on), and he stops Doink from
escaping into the crowd and throws him in. Doink begs off, but he
can't escape Crush's wingspan. Crush with a choke lift and throw
into the corner. Crush with a Hammer Throw on Doink and he bails,
pulling Crush's leg (get it?) and punching away. Crush no-sells and
beats up Doink some more, sending him back to the post. Crush with a
Rude Awakening and snapmare, following with a facewash to Doink.
Crush borrows Savage's Hotshot (which Savage approves of) and
returns, pounding away and getting a backbreaker. Crush clubs Doink
in a Sheamus fashion, but Doink hangs him on the ropes and dives off
the top with an axhandle (nearly losing his balance as he does).
Doink adds more shots off the second rope, then another off the top.
Piledriver by Doink and he kicks Doink out of the ring. He sends
Crush into the post, then slams him and goes up top again. This
time, though, he dives into Crush's foot. He can't follow up, and
Doink slams him into the post and chops him. He goes to the second
rope, but Crush catches him with a powerslam. Crush sends Doink out
with a clothesline and Doink tries to hide under the ring, but Crush
catches him. Crush throws Doink back in and gets a military press.
He signals for the Kona Vice, but when he applies it Doink gets into
the ropes before swinging his elbow into the referee. Doink escapes
and tries to go under again, but Crush catches him again and
re-applies the Vice. But as he has it on, Doink runs in and smashes
him with the plaster arm. For those not around in 1993, you read
this right. Doink ran in on his own match – or, rather, a second
man dressed as Doink. This one is Steve Keirn (41). Crush turns and
faces Doink 2, but Doink 1 holds him and Doink 2 smashes him with the
cast again. The two do the Marx Brothers mirror gag as Heenan
insists it's a mass illusion. Doink 1 then wakes up the ref and pins
Crush at 8:28. Doink (to the camera): “What happened? What
happened?? HAHAHAHAHA!” Didn't live up to expectations here.
*3/4
A second referee tries to tell the first one what happened, but
there's no evidence of Doink 2.
Todd
Pettengill (age unlisted) interviews some racial stereotypes
disguised as Japanese media about the last match.
MATCH
FOUR: Bob Backlund (43) vs. Razor Ramon (34)
Heenan
insists he knows how Doink pulled the illusion off, even saying David
Copperfield did it. You can practically HEAR Savage roll his eyes.
Backlund is making his return to the WWF for the first time in
practically since his title reign in 1984.
Backlund
offers a handshake and gets a toothpick in return. The crowd is
cheering for ostensible heel Ramon. Razor throws Backlund into the
corner. Another lockup, another corner shove. Another lockup, but
this time Ramon gets the worst of it with takedowns from Backlund.
Ramon fakes a test of strength and kicks away, getting a slam and
stomping away. Another slam follows, and Ramon just punches away.
Ramon kicks Backlund's head and punches away as the announcers bring
up an incident from earlier in the day: Lex Luger cheapshot Bret Hart
at a breakfast event with the BIONIC FOREARM OF DEATH. Ramon taunts
Backlund, who fights back and gets a corner whip and hiptoss. Ramon
blocks a dropkick, but not a running forearm. Backlund with a
butterfly suplex and Atomic Drop (his finisher in the 1970s, back
when something like that COULD be a finisher). He slingshots Ramon
back in, but Ramon catches Backlund with a small package for the pin
at 3:45. Good on Vince for getting Backlund what Vince had to think
would be his only Mania payday, but seriously, this match was just so
disjointed. 1/4*
And to think, 18 months later, Backlund would be WWF champion.
Okerlund
interviews Money Inc.
MATCH
FIVE: WWF Tag Team Champions Ted DiBiase (39) and Irwin R. Schyster
(just turned 35) vs. Hulk Hogan (39) and Brutus Beefcake (almost 36)
There's
a big story here, which is that Beefcake was attempting a comeback
after a near-fatal accident in 1990. Everyone knew his face was
reconstructed because of the accident, so Money Inc took advantage by
smashing him with the metallic Haliburton. The attack was so bad
Jimmy Hart left Money Inc and joined Beefcake. Beefcake challenged
Money Inc for the tag belts, getting his longtime friend Hulk Hogan
as his tag partner. Of note, Hogan enters with a black eye, and if
you ask how that happened, you'll get multiple answers. In kayfabe,
DiBiase hired some thugs to jump Hogan. The WWE line is that Hogan
had a JetSki crash. There's a persistent rumor that Savage
sucker-punched Hogan over Elizabeth, but the two were divorced at the
time. I'm not sure why Hogan and DiBiase never had a one-on-one
match, by the way. Beefcake has a padded mask on for most of this
match.
Money
Inc goes for a cheap shot before the match, but Hogan and Brutus
clear the ring without so much as their music stopping. Hogan did
the same thing the previous WrestleMania with Sid, I should note.
Heenan keeps claiming the black eye on Hogan had to be an honest
mistake. Brutus and IRS start. IRS with a knee to the gut and he
works Brutus in the corner. DiBiase in for a double-team, and he
punches and chops the gut of Brutus. A back elbow floors Brutus, and
Hogan is suckered in allowing a double-team. IRS switches off and
works an elbow to the back of the head. DiBiase follows, and he
drops an axhandle on Brutus's face... which does nothing because of
that titanium facemask. Brutus with a noggin-knocker to Money Inc.
DiBiase goes for ten shots to the buckle on Brutus, and that won't
work either. But it will on DiBiase. DiBiase runs into Hogan's
boot, and Hulkster enters as the crowd erupts. Ten punch countalong
in the corner and he ALMOST strikes the ref. He goes
ground-and-pound on DiBiase, and he follows with an Axe Bomber and
chokes DiBiase. Brutus back in, and DiBiase eats a double big boot.
Brutus stomps away on DiBiase and gets a slam. Hogan back in, and
his double axhandle works. Hogan with a headlock and punch, and a
drop-down by DiBiase off a whip fails as Hogan stops and continues
the offense. IRS enters and gets ping-ponged by the challengers, who
send him out. Money Inc decides to take the intentional countout,
but there's a rule that says you can't do that at consecutive
WrestleManias and that's how they retained the belts the previous
year, so the referee threatens to strip them of the belts if they get
counted out. Heenan considers this a travesty and acts like the
referee made this rule up. Money Inc try to call the ref's bluff,
but at six they race back to the ring and get in at eight. Hogan and
DiBiase are the legal men, and Hogan gets advice from Jimmy Hart.
DiBiase goes with a knee to the gut to slow Hogan down and chokes him
against the middle rope. IRS takes the tag rope off and uses it on
Hogan's throat. He passes it to DiBiase, who chokes Hogan as the ref
admonishes Brutus. IRS in, and he tags DiBiase back. DiBiase chops
and chokes Hogan some more, using the top rope for assistance. The
ref admonishes DiBiase, so IRS takes over. DiBiase taunts Hogan as
the latter tries for a tag, and then he slaps on the Million Dollar
Dream on Hogan. Hogan won't give up, so DiBiase keeps it on and
hopes for a KO. Savage says they're hanging from the rafters, then
remembers the Colosseum didn't HAVE rafters, so he says they're
hanging from the columns instead. They do the arm check, and Hogan's
arm stays up on the third try. Hogan gets up, but he can't break the
hold and fades a little more. IRS tries to get in, so Brutus pulls
DiBiase off and applies the Sleeper. IRS stays in the ring for a
LONG time, allowing for a Double KO. They milk the count for all
it's worth, with Hogan sitting up at nine. Hart directs traffic, and
it's hot tag Brutus. He slugs away on IRS, adding a running knee and
an atomic drop to DiBiase for good measure. Beefcake slugs IRS down
on a running punch, but DiBiase jabs the Haliburton into Beefcake's
back and IRS takes over. Heenan and Savage actually have their
argument devolve to “Yes it does!” “No it don't!” Both
champs land elbows on Brutus, and DiBiase stands over Brutus and
unmasks him. Hogan protests, but that allows DiBiase and IRS to work
over Brutus' head. Brutus is punch-drunk from the pain, and Money
Inc keeps working the head. Heenan is in his glory mocking Brutus.
Brutus gets a double clothesline on Money Inc off a double team
attempt. He doesn't tag, though, and instead puts the Sleeper on
IRS. DiBiase breaks it up, and everyone runs into the referee.
DiBiase and Hogan tag in (like it matters, since he's still down, but
everyone plays along). Hogan with the punches and big boot, and IRS
tries to attack with the mask. Hogan intercepts it and smashes both
of Money Inc with it, the challengers cover, and Hart counts the
three. No, that doesn't count, and a second referee comes in and
DQ's the challengers at 18:27. Hogan and Beefcake, of course, act
like this is a horrible call, and Jimmy Hart disposes of the referee
so Hogan can celebrate. They then find IRS' briefcase (Money Inc
took off with the belts), and reveal its contents are: tax forms, one
ACME brick, and petty cash. The money gets distributed to ringside.
See, this isn't a bad way to use a returning Hogan: get him out of
the way, let the fans enjoy him, send him off somewhat triumphant.
Too bad the match was boring. 3/4*
Pettengill
interviews Natalie Cole at ringside as well as gives the head
operator of Caesar's Palace some face time.
Okerlund
interviews Mr. Perfect, which leads to the most underrated
Botchamania moment ever: Perfect talks about how great a week he's
been having in Vegas, and says he's Absolutely Perfect... then trips
over Lex Luger's name, calling him “The Lexorcist Nar.. the
Larciss... the... who?” Okerlund bails him out, and they play it
off as Perfect being too excited to talk straight, but COME ON, your
whole gimmick is you don't make mistakes like that!
MATCH
SIX: Mr. Perfect (just turned 35) vs. Lex Luger (34)
I'm
surprised Hennig is older than Luger. Luger comes to the ring with
four mirror holding babes wearing the bear minimum allowed by US law.
Heenan asks Okerlund and Savage to be quiet during the entrance in a
bit Lawler would use with Chris Masters. His fawning over Luger is a
running gag throughout the match.
Perfect
doesn't bother to swat the gum, instead spitting it right at Luger.
The two exchange arm twists with Perfect getting the better of it.
Perfect with a headlock, and the two exchange wristlocks until they
get to the ropes. Luger goes to the eyes, but perfect reverses a
whip and gets a running kneelift. Perfect knocks down Luger, adding
a running dropkick as Luger bails. He slowly returns as Heenan
claims the knockouts are due to bat speed. Perfect gains control in
the corner, but Luger fights away and drops elbows on Perfect's neck.
A trip to the buckle follows, but Perfect catches a boot attempt,
getting a single-leg takedown and working the leg. Luger oversells
it a little, but nothing wrong with that as Perfect keeps working the
leg. Heenan is worried. Perfect with a spinning toe hold on Luger,
and Luger's having trouble keeping his shoulders up before making the
ropes. Perfect kicks away at Luger's leg. He chops Luger in the
corner HARD, kicking the knee and punching away. Another CHOP OF
DOOM follows. Luger reverses a Hammer Throw and buys time to help
his leg. A second Hammer Throw follows. Luger dumps Perfect to the
outside and follows, ramming Perfect's back into the apron as Savage
and Heenan note that Perfect was out for two years with a back
injury. Luger adds forearm shots to the back. He adds a rib breaker
to Perfect, then a front elbowdrop for two. Luger throws Perfect
into the corner, but Perfect with kicks to gain separation for a
time. He reverses Luger into the corner but runs into a kneelift,
and Luger with a Flair Pin for two before being caught. Luger with a
powerslam for two, but not before he taunts which may have cost him
the match according to Savage. Perfect with high elevation on a
sunset flip for two. Perfect with a sleeper on Luger, but Luger
backs him into a corner. Perfect fights out of the corner, chopping
him hard. He wins a slugfest, dropping Luger, but Luger with a kick
and he takes over. Luger puts his head down and gets hit with a
small package for two. Perfect with a back body drop and Hammer
Throw, following up with a catapult and overhead right. Another
overhead right gets two. Perfect pulls a strap down and keeps up the
offense, getting ten punches in the corner before Luger with an
inverted atomic drop. Perfect comes back with clotheslines, getting
two. Swinging neckbreaker gets two. Perfect goes up top, landing a
missile dropkick for two, but Luger's foot is on the ropes. Luger
hooks a backslide for the win at 10:33, but Perfect's feet were in
the ropes and the referee missed it. Perfect protests and gets
knocked out by the BIONIC FOREARM OF DEATH. This match is overrated.
**1/2
The
real fun comes after this, as Perfect wakes up and goes backstage to
look for Luger. He finds Luger chatting with Shawn Michaels and
attacks, but Shawn takes offense to that and a double-team begins.
This would lead to two important points: first, Shawn and Perfect met
for the I-C title at SummerSlam 1993; and second, Perfect would
remember Luger's transgressions one year later during Luger's WWF
Title fight against Yokozuna.
Savage
and Heenan argue over what they just saw and nearly come to blows as
a desperate JR throws it to Gorilla, who puts over the two remaining
matches.
MATCH
SEVEN: Giant Gonzalez (27) vs. Undertaker (28)
For
those wondering, because I have seen Giant Gonzalez I will never
comment about how awful the Great Khali is. Khali may not be average
in workrate, but he uses his body well, he has decent mobility, and
he knows how to sell. That's more than we can say about Gonzalez
here, whose only selling point is that he's the tallest wrestler in
the world at 7'7. Gonzalez debuted at the Royal Rumble, running in –
well, walking in – and disposing of Undertaker. This is their
first meeting. The Undertaker is accompanied by a vulture on a
chariot.
A
staredown begins. Giant smashes Taker with a clubbing blow,
staggering him temporarily. Each shot just results in Taker staring
back at him. Taker rocks Giant with uppercuts, but Giant chokes down
Taker. Giant shoves Taker into the corner and chokes away, and the
two begin choking each other as Taker tries Old School, only for
Giant to hit him in the groin. Giant misses an axhandle, and Taker
gets an uppercut. Taker goes for Old School, connecting but not
knocking Giant down. He slaps around Giant, kicking him in the
corner but charging into a big boot. Taker's down, and Giant goes
CLUBBERIN some more. Giant with a beal on Taker, and Giant gets a
standing chinlock on Taker. This goes on for a while. Taker drops
to one knee. The chinlock continues. Taker up to two feet. The
chinlock continues. Taker back to one knee. The chinlock CONTINUES.
Taker is in a sitting position. We're still going. Heenan: “You
know how some people can palm a basketball? This guy could probably
palm a Buick.” They do the arm test, Taker keeps the arm up. The
chinlock is still on. Taker FINALLY breaks it with elbows, but Giant
throws Taker to the outside and follows, chopping Taker and slamming
him hard into the steps. He then throws Taker into the steps as both
managers (Paul Bearer and Harvey Whippleman) distract the ref. Taker
is back up and in, so Giant headbutts Taker. Taker keeps sitting up,
and Giant keeps headbutting him. A slugfest breaks out, and Taker
seems to win it, punching away on Giant's torso. Giant's selling
looks like he's trying out for a remake of the Thriller video. Giant
is down to one knee, but Harvey throws a chloroform rag into the ring
and Giant uses it for the DQ at 7:33. Man, I went the whole match
without making fun of Giant's body-paint muscle suit. -***
Giant KO's Taker with the rag, and they give Taker the stretcher
ride. Refs try to clear out Giant, so he chokeslams one of them.
The crowd wants Hogan to do something, which wouldn't be the worst
idea for him even though the match could be the most disastrous one
ever booked. Then the gong sounds and Taker comes back. Giant does
his best “You gotta be kidding me” look. Taker fights his way
back in, and after several clotheslines, he finally knocks Giant
down. Giant rolls out of the ring like a beached whale, as Bearer
restrains Taker and Giant asks what just happened.
Okerlund
builds up the main event and shows us the carnage Yokozuna has
caused. He then, for reasons that didn't make sense at the time,
interviews Hulk Hogan for analysis. Hogan just makes vague threats
and asks for the next title shot at either man.
Todd
Pettengill interviews random audience members.
MAIN
EVENT: WWF Champion Bret Hart (35) vs. Yokozuna (26)
If
Yokozuna wins, he would tie Undertaker for youngest WWF champion.
Yokozuna won the 1993 Royal Rumble (from lucky 27), earning a WWF
Title match at WrestleMania as a result. The big story here is the
size difference: in kayfabe, it's the 505-pound Yokozuna against the
234-pound Bret Hart. Hart won the belt from Ric Flair at a house
show in Saskatchewan in October, one of the few times the WWF title
changed hands outside of a TV show.
Yokozuna
does some traditional Sumo poses to start. Bret charges with a
dropkick on Yokozuna, pounding on him in the corner and a ten-punch
count. Yokozuna pushes him off, but Bret fires away only to get a
chop to the throat. Bret tries a waistlock, but Yokozuna's too big
and tackles him. Bret is knocked out of the ring, so Yokozuna kicks
him down. Bret catches the next kick and tangles Yokozuna in the
ropes, giving him free reign to catapult onto him and fire away.
Bret goes up, landing the second-rope elbow before allowing the
referee to free Yokozuna. Bret with a clothesline, but Yokozuna
won't go down and he destroys Bret with a lariat. Yokozna drops an
elbow, then slams Bret. Giant legdrop follows, and the fans chant
USA at Yokozuna. Even though Bret is Canadian. Yokozuna stomps
away, then drapes Bret on the top rope and chokes him. Yokozuna with
a nerve hold from a standing position, as JR talks about how Bret's
big strategy might be to extend the match and win with superior
stamina. Heenan notes that champions don't think about that.
Yokozuna punches Bret into the corner, but a blind charge eats boot.
Bret dives off the ropes with a bulldog, getting two. Yokozuna with
a superkick and he bows to Fuji. Snapmare and nerve hold follow.
Yokozuna with a throat thrust and corner whip, but the avalanche is
WAY too slow. Bret with another bulldog for two. Second-rope elbow
gets two. Diving clothesline, then a running clothesline, but
Yokozuna won't stay down. Bret with ten punches in the corner, but
Yokozuna pulls him out. Bret takes the turnbuckle cover with him as
Yokozuna gets a slam. Bret sends Yokozuna into the steel bolt, then
he hooks the Sharpshooter. It's right in front of Fuji, though, and
Fuji throws salt in Bret's eyes. Yokozuna covers and wins the title
at 8:55. Honestly, five more minutes and that's a good match. *3/4
Hulk
Hogan races in to protest, and since he's the self-appointed #1
Contender he wants the match to restart. He goes out to check on
Bret, and then Mr. Fuji does the dumbest thing humanly possible: he
challenges Hogan to a title match right then and there. Bret insists
Hogan answer the bell, and we he does. Yokozuna holds up Hogan, but
Fuji's salt hits Yokozuna in the eyes. Axe Bomber and Legdrop change
the title again at an official 22 seconds. Just about everyone
agrees this was a huge power play by Hogan and should've never
happened, so I won't add anything here.
FINAL
THOUGHTS:
I'll
add it here instead: this should've never happened. If Hogan wanted
to be in the main event scene that badly, you give him a title match
against Bret (preferably) at Saturday Night's Main Event to test his
loyalty. To be fair, Vince had no reason to believe Hogan would
stand him up, but that's what happened: Hogan went off to do movies
rather than do the house show circuit. Vince was so furious he
promoted King of the Ring to a PPV status, had Yokozuna crush Hogan
at the event, and washed his hands of Hogan for eight and a half
years. It's the least Vince could've done.
This
event is given universal scorn, but when you look at the star
ratings, it's not a horrific show. Shawn/Tatanka, Steiners/SST, and
Luger/Perfect are perfectly reasonable. Were this an In Your House
or even a SummerSlam, we wouldn't be nearly as upset by it. But you
expect greatness at WrestleMania, and we didn't get it. We expect
the main event to be either a mat classic or a white-hot finish, and
we got neither. And let's be honest: someone like Giant Gonzalez has
no business on WrestleMania.
Still,
there are positives to this event. Heenan is at his crankiest, and a
cranky Heenan is an entertaining Heenan. The first two matches are
very good. The “twin Doink” angle begins here, which was the
apex of Doink's heel heat. If you can stomach the bad or have the
fast forward button handy, you might be able to deal with this.
STATS:
MATCH
TIME: 90:51 over nine matches
BEST
MATCH: Shawn/Tatanka
WORST
MATCH: Taker/Giant
NIGHT
MVP: Lex Luger (Hogan lost earlier in the night; Tatanka didn't get
the gold... this really kind of is by default)
FINAL
SCORE: 3.5. This is almost universally considered the worst Mania of
all time, though I personally think 2 and 11 are much worse. This at
least had three matches above average, and although you expect more
from a Mania, it's mainly the Hogan hate – not unjustifiable –
that cements its rep.
I'll
be back with Raw from Richmond! I don't want to spoil anything, but
I can tell you, there's a huge development upcoming!