PG WEEK: WrestleMania IX by Request!

You know, you didn't disappoint me. I knew, once I said you could pick a WrestleMania, you'd choose this one. And you did. The Internet is nothing if not predictable. Okay... let's get this overwith.

The PG Era Rant for WrestleMania IX. Original airdate April 4, 1993.

Aired live from Las Vegas, NV.

Your host is Gorilla Monsoon, who welcomes us to the event and passes it on to our play-by-play man, Jim Ross. Jim is making his WWF debut at this event, which is a huge deal and is in no way lessened by the fact that he has to dress up in a toga like everyone else, no matter what they tell you.

Opening Ceremonies: “Julius Caesar” and “Cleopatra” welcome us all to the event. We also have Randy Savage (riding in on a sedan and being fed by vestal virgins) and, more famously, Bobby Heenan (on a camel, facing backwards) make their entrance to be Ross's color men. Apparently, Savage was supposed to ride the camel and Heenan the sedan. At least, that's what JR believed. Or what Heenan told him, I mean. Also, Heenan's underpants match his toga. Thanks for showing us, Macho. It should be noted that Savage is not in a toga, but that's because if anything, his fringe cowboy outfit is even more ridiculous.

MATCH ONE: Intercontinental Championship: Shawn Michaels (27) vs. Tatanka (31)

Luna Vachon debuts with Shawn Michaels. The story here is that Tatanka, yet to be pinned in the WWF, defeated Shawn Michaels in a non-title match on Raw to earn this match. It's a good idea for a title match, but it needs to used sparingly or the champ looks weak. See Ambrose, Dean. Meanwhile, at the Royal Rumble, Shawn fired Sherri after a mishap almost cost him the title to Marty Jannetty, so Sherri is in Tatanka's corner out of spite. Supposedly, Shawn's shoulder is not 100%, thanks to a six-man tag he and Tatanka were in.

Shawn takes his time getting out of his outfit and ready for battle. Shawn gets takedowns to start, but Tatanka fights out of both of them and a stalemate ensues. Shawn works a headlock, but Tatanka reverses to a hammerlock. Shawn goes for an overhead wristlock and powers Tatanka down, but Tatanka bridges up and shoves Shawn down. Heenan and Savage already are at each other's throats. Shawn back to the headlock. Tatanka tries to shove him off with the turnbuckle, but Shawn hangs on and gets a two-count. Shawn runs up another corner, but Tatanka gets a back suplex and chops away. Shawn bails to the top rope off of a corner whip, but gets caught with a flying armdrag. Shawn does the proper Flair Flip, and Tatanka chops him to the floor. Sherri prevents Luna from helping Shawn up as the crowd loves it. They REALLY want Sherri to get her hands on Shawn. Shawn tries to get in, but Tatanka cuts him off with overhead chops. Shawn goes to the eyes to slow Tatanka down and sends him into the buckle. He goes up top, and a flying sunset flip (almost) gets two. A Bionic Elbowsmash follows. Tatanka with an inverted atomic drop off a criss-cross, and he chops Shawn HARD. Shawn puts his head down on a whip, and Tatanka gets a single-arm DDT and works the injured arm. He twists and chops the arm to maintain control. Shawn tries to break with the hair, but Sherri alerts the ref and it doesn't work. Heenan gets on Savage for hair-pulling, while Shawn breaks the armbar and clotheslines Tatanka with the BAD ARM. Tatanka no-sells and works the arm some more. Here's the fun part: it wasn't hair-pulling that Savage cheated with. Shawn backs Tatanka into the corner and boxes away, but he hits the post on a blind charge and Tatanka's back onto the arm. Heenan: “Boy, I like to watch this Luna. She is something.” JR: “What is she?” Shawn punches out of the armbar, but gets caught trying to vault Tatanka in the corner and Tatanka gets a shoulder-breaker and elbowdrop. Tatanka goes up, and it's an overhead chop on the shoulder. Second time up, though, Shawn nails Sweet Chin Music (which is just a secondary move at this point, so no pin attempt). Shawn dumps Tatanka over the top, and Luna stalks over, but again Sherri cuts her off. So Shawn exits and slams Tatanka's head into the apron. He then jumps onto the apron and off of it, clotheslining Tatanka. Randy Savage's commentary leaves a lot to be desired here. Shawn kicks Tatanka to keep him out of the ring, then taunts Sherri, who looks away in disgust. Savage suggests Sherri could beat Shawn. Shawn with a right hand on Tatanka, and he brings him in for a swinging neckbreaker for two. Standing dropkick by Shawn gets two. We HIT THE CHINLOCK now, as Heenan notes that Luna is pacing back and forth. Savage: “She looks like an animal. You're right, Weasel.” JR: “You are right, Weasel.” Heenan: “I am right, We... knock it off.” Tatanka elbows out, but Shawn corners him and punches him down. He tries to vault over Tatanka into a Victory Roll position, but he's out of position, so they just roll with it for two. So Shawn boxes Tatanka again to signal they'll try it again, and this time he gets on Tatanka's shoulders via the top rope... which leads to the electric chair from Tatanka for a double KO. Tatanka crawls on top for two. Big elbowdrop from Tatanka misses, and Shawn goes up. He nails Tatanka with an axhandle... but Tatanka begins the War Dance. More shots do nothing, and Tatanka catches the superkick and chops the HECK out of Shawn. Tatanka goes up, forgoing a cover, and a flying bodypress gets two. Shawn whips Tatanka, but his dropkick is caught and Tatanka catapults him into the post for two. Heenan is getting frantic. End of the Trail is set up, but Shawn with a crucifix for two. Shawn punches Tatanka and goes up, but Tatanka catches and powerslams him for two. The crowd was CERTAIN that was it. Shawn suckers Tatanka in and throws him outside, and he tries the apron dive again, but Tatanka moves and Shawn eats the steps. That leads to a countout, but Shawn pulls the ref down to stop the bell and continues. He runs into the End of the Trail... but, well, it's still a countout at 18:13. Savage is upset at what he sees as the referee's gaffe. Great opener. Tatanka should've won the belt here, and I don't understand why he didn't. ***3/4 Luna beats up Sherri after the match before Tatanka runs her off.

Gene Okerlund (50) interviews the Steiner Brothers. Man, it's weird seeing Scott looking human. Scott promises everyone will remember their WrestleMania debut. Rick says they'll do what they do best: wrestle. And in doing so, they'll make Julius Caesar proud. Does Rick know Caesar's dead?

MATCH TWO: Samu (29) and Fatu (27) vs. Rick Steiner (32) and Scott Steiner (30)

Afa is with the Samoans. Rick and Scott are just two amateur superstars from Michigan, and the announcers make a big deal about how Michigan is on a roll, as they'll be playing for the men's basketball title the next night. That game the next night (against North Carolina) is rather famous in NCAA lore.

JR calls the match a slobberknocker and says it'll be smash-mouth. He's on a roll. Heenan: “Never mind. I speak English.” Fatu – already with a large rump – opens with Scott. For those who don't know, yes, Fatu grew bigger and became Rikishi and is the Uso father. Scott opens with an armdrag. He follows with an amateur takedown for one, followed by controlling the arm. Fatu headbutts Scott's chest in the corner, but Scott throws him out. A tackle goes nowhere, but Scott wins a slugfest with a Steinerline. Fatu goes to the eyes, and the Headshrinkers double-team Scott, so Samu knocks him over. The Steiners are thrown out, but they climb the same corner and do a double diving clothesline on the Shrinkers. Samu and Fatu bail as the Steiners hit the Doghouse pose. Afa slams heads together to wake the Headshrinkers up. Meanwhile, JR reports that Luna's keeping the attack up backstage. Back in, Fatu and Scott tie up, but it goes nowhere and Rick is in. Samu tags in as well. Samu knocks over Rick with a chop, then pounds on him in the corner, with a whip and clothesline following. Rick fires out of a second whip with a big clothesline of his own. Samu rams into the post headfirst (so no damage), and Scott tags in to get a butterfly suplex before dropkicking Fatu. Samu catches Scott on a whip and Hotshots him out of the ring right by Afa, who WHACKS Scott with a Polynesian cane to the back. Fatu slams Scott on the outside, and back in, Samu bites the forehead. Samu attacks Scott's back and smashes his head into Fatu's before tagging Fatu in. Both men go CLUBBERIN, THEY BE CLUBBERIN TONY on Scott, and Fatu adds a backbreaker and second-rope headbutt. It gets two, Rick saves. As he's escorted out, the Shrinkers get a double headbutt. Samu with a 360 roundhouse kick, but a blind charge eats boot. Fatu cuts off the hot tag and sends Scott to the outside. Fatu cons Rick into the ring, and Samu throws Scott into a nearby post as he lands in front of the announcers. Savage says he grazed his monitor as well. Rick helps Scott in, and Scott gets a facejam on Fatu which OF COURSE he no-sells, getting a superkick. Samu in, and they get a double bite. Samu with a camel clutch and elbowdrop, following up with a standing dropkick. Scott is sent into Fatu's head and nearly fights away, but Samu pokes the eyes and brings in Fatu. The Headshrinkers get a variant of Demolition Decapitation, and Fatu gets two off of it. VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM follows. Scott elbows out, and a double clothesline leads to a double KO. Samu in, and he stomps Scott in the gut and chops him. More clubbing follows. A headbutt floors Scott, then a slam and he goes up. Diving headbutt misses, and it's hot tag Rick. He goes to town on Fatu and Steinerlines everyone. A double noggin-knocker proves to be a VERY BAD IDEA AGAINST SAMOANS, and they double headbutt Rick down. Double front legsweep is their setup move, and they go for a Doomsday Bodypress, but Rick catches Samu and belly-to-belly suplexes him for two, Fatu saves. That was SCARY impressive. Scott in, and he belly-to-bellies Fatu, but celebrates and gets superkicked by Samu. Samu with a big slam, but Scott reverses a whip and a huracanrana ends the match at 14:22. This is proof you don't need lots of fancy moves to put on a great match: the Headshrinkers had been one of the top tag teams in the late territory era as the Samoan Swat Team, and they used basic offense with great timing and ring psychology to put on a great match. ***1/4

Meanwhile, Doink has vandalized a Julius Caesar bust.

MATCH THREE: Doink the Clown (Matt Osborne, 34) vs. Crush (about to turn 29)

There's a feud here, as it turns out: Doink was trying to appease Crush with a flower while his arm was in a sling, but as Crush turned his back, Doink pulled the now-obviously-fake arm out of the sling and smashed Crush upside the head repeatedly with it. Doink, in the pre-match interview, promises he'll make Crush see double vision before the match is over.

Heenan says Doink looks familiar. Doink sprays Crush with a flower, which causes Crush to chase him around the ring. Crush catches and headbutts Doink, then slams him on the floor. Crush throws Doink into the post (as Savage cheers him on), and he stops Doink from escaping into the crowd and throws him in. Doink begs off, but he can't escape Crush's wingspan. Crush with a choke lift and throw into the corner. Crush with a Hammer Throw on Doink and he bails, pulling Crush's leg (get it?) and punching away. Crush no-sells and beats up Doink some more, sending him back to the post. Crush with a Rude Awakening and snapmare, following with a facewash to Doink. Crush borrows Savage's Hotshot (which Savage approves of) and returns, pounding away and getting a backbreaker. Crush clubs Doink in a Sheamus fashion, but Doink hangs him on the ropes and dives off the top with an axhandle (nearly losing his balance as he does). Doink adds more shots off the second rope, then another off the top. Piledriver by Doink and he kicks Doink out of the ring. He sends Crush into the post, then slams him and goes up top again. This time, though, he dives into Crush's foot. He can't follow up, and Doink slams him into the post and chops him. He goes to the second rope, but Crush catches him with a powerslam. Crush sends Doink out with a clothesline and Doink tries to hide under the ring, but Crush catches him. Crush throws Doink back in and gets a military press. He signals for the Kona Vice, but when he applies it Doink gets into the ropes before swinging his elbow into the referee. Doink escapes and tries to go under again, but Crush catches him again and re-applies the Vice. But as he has it on, Doink runs in and smashes him with the plaster arm. For those not around in 1993, you read this right. Doink ran in on his own match – or, rather, a second man dressed as Doink. This one is Steve Keirn (41). Crush turns and faces Doink 2, but Doink 1 holds him and Doink 2 smashes him with the cast again. The two do the Marx Brothers mirror gag as Heenan insists it's a mass illusion. Doink 1 then wakes up the ref and pins Crush at 8:28. Doink (to the camera): “What happened? What happened?? HAHAHAHAHA!” Didn't live up to expectations here. *3/4 A second referee tries to tell the first one what happened, but there's no evidence of Doink 2.

Todd Pettengill (age unlisted) interviews some racial stereotypes disguised as Japanese media about the last match.

MATCH FOUR: Bob Backlund (43) vs. Razor Ramon (34)

Heenan insists he knows how Doink pulled the illusion off, even saying David Copperfield did it. You can practically HEAR Savage roll his eyes. Backlund is making his return to the WWF for the first time in practically since his title reign in 1984.

Backlund offers a handshake and gets a toothpick in return. The crowd is cheering for ostensible heel Ramon. Razor throws Backlund into the corner. Another lockup, another corner shove. Another lockup, but this time Ramon gets the worst of it with takedowns from Backlund. Ramon fakes a test of strength and kicks away, getting a slam and stomping away. Another slam follows, and Ramon just punches away. Ramon kicks Backlund's head and punches away as the announcers bring up an incident from earlier in the day: Lex Luger cheapshot Bret Hart at a breakfast event with the BIONIC FOREARM OF DEATH. Ramon taunts Backlund, who fights back and gets a corner whip and hiptoss. Ramon blocks a dropkick, but not a running forearm. Backlund with a butterfly suplex and Atomic Drop (his finisher in the 1970s, back when something like that COULD be a finisher). He slingshots Ramon back in, but Ramon catches Backlund with a small package for the pin at 3:45. Good on Vince for getting Backlund what Vince had to think would be his only Mania payday, but seriously, this match was just so disjointed. 1/4* And to think, 18 months later, Backlund would be WWF champion.

Okerlund interviews Money Inc.

MATCH FIVE: WWF Tag Team Champions Ted DiBiase (39) and Irwin R. Schyster (just turned 35) vs. Hulk Hogan (39) and Brutus Beefcake (almost 36)

There's a big story here, which is that Beefcake was attempting a comeback after a near-fatal accident in 1990. Everyone knew his face was reconstructed because of the accident, so Money Inc took advantage by smashing him with the metallic Haliburton. The attack was so bad Jimmy Hart left Money Inc and joined Beefcake. Beefcake challenged Money Inc for the tag belts, getting his longtime friend Hulk Hogan as his tag partner. Of note, Hogan enters with a black eye, and if you ask how that happened, you'll get multiple answers. In kayfabe, DiBiase hired some thugs to jump Hogan. The WWE line is that Hogan had a JetSki crash. There's a persistent rumor that Savage sucker-punched Hogan over Elizabeth, but the two were divorced at the time. I'm not sure why Hogan and DiBiase never had a one-on-one match, by the way. Beefcake has a padded mask on for most of this match.

Money Inc goes for a cheap shot before the match, but Hogan and Brutus clear the ring without so much as their music stopping. Hogan did the same thing the previous WrestleMania with Sid, I should note. Heenan keeps claiming the black eye on Hogan had to be an honest mistake. Brutus and IRS start. IRS with a knee to the gut and he works Brutus in the corner. DiBiase in for a double-team, and he punches and chops the gut of Brutus. A back elbow floors Brutus, and Hogan is suckered in allowing a double-team. IRS switches off and works an elbow to the back of the head. DiBiase follows, and he drops an axhandle on Brutus's face... which does nothing because of that titanium facemask. Brutus with a noggin-knocker to Money Inc. DiBiase goes for ten shots to the buckle on Brutus, and that won't work either. But it will on DiBiase. DiBiase runs into Hogan's boot, and Hulkster enters as the crowd erupts. Ten punch countalong in the corner and he ALMOST strikes the ref. He goes ground-and-pound on DiBiase, and he follows with an Axe Bomber and chokes DiBiase. Brutus back in, and DiBiase eats a double big boot. Brutus stomps away on DiBiase and gets a slam. Hogan back in, and his double axhandle works. Hogan with a headlock and punch, and a drop-down by DiBiase off a whip fails as Hogan stops and continues the offense. IRS enters and gets ping-ponged by the challengers, who send him out. Money Inc decides to take the intentional countout, but there's a rule that says you can't do that at consecutive WrestleManias and that's how they retained the belts the previous year, so the referee threatens to strip them of the belts if they get counted out. Heenan considers this a travesty and acts like the referee made this rule up. Money Inc try to call the ref's bluff, but at six they race back to the ring and get in at eight. Hogan and DiBiase are the legal men, and Hogan gets advice from Jimmy Hart. DiBiase goes with a knee to the gut to slow Hogan down and chokes him against the middle rope. IRS takes the tag rope off and uses it on Hogan's throat. He passes it to DiBiase, who chokes Hogan as the ref admonishes Brutus. IRS in, and he tags DiBiase back. DiBiase chops and chokes Hogan some more, using the top rope for assistance. The ref admonishes DiBiase, so IRS takes over. DiBiase taunts Hogan as the latter tries for a tag, and then he slaps on the Million Dollar Dream on Hogan. Hogan won't give up, so DiBiase keeps it on and hopes for a KO. Savage says they're hanging from the rafters, then remembers the Colosseum didn't HAVE rafters, so he says they're hanging from the columns instead. They do the arm check, and Hogan's arm stays up on the third try. Hogan gets up, but he can't break the hold and fades a little more. IRS tries to get in, so Brutus pulls DiBiase off and applies the Sleeper. IRS stays in the ring for a LONG time, allowing for a Double KO. They milk the count for all it's worth, with Hogan sitting up at nine. Hart directs traffic, and it's hot tag Brutus. He slugs away on IRS, adding a running knee and an atomic drop to DiBiase for good measure. Beefcake slugs IRS down on a running punch, but DiBiase jabs the Haliburton into Beefcake's back and IRS takes over. Heenan and Savage actually have their argument devolve to “Yes it does!” “No it don't!” Both champs land elbows on Brutus, and DiBiase stands over Brutus and unmasks him. Hogan protests, but that allows DiBiase and IRS to work over Brutus' head. Brutus is punch-drunk from the pain, and Money Inc keeps working the head. Heenan is in his glory mocking Brutus. Brutus gets a double clothesline on Money Inc off a double team attempt. He doesn't tag, though, and instead puts the Sleeper on IRS. DiBiase breaks it up, and everyone runs into the referee. DiBiase and Hogan tag in (like it matters, since he's still down, but everyone plays along). Hogan with the punches and big boot, and IRS tries to attack with the mask. Hogan intercepts it and smashes both of Money Inc with it, the challengers cover, and Hart counts the three. No, that doesn't count, and a second referee comes in and DQ's the challengers at 18:27. Hogan and Beefcake, of course, act like this is a horrible call, and Jimmy Hart disposes of the referee so Hogan can celebrate. They then find IRS' briefcase (Money Inc took off with the belts), and reveal its contents are: tax forms, one ACME brick, and petty cash. The money gets distributed to ringside. See, this isn't a bad way to use a returning Hogan: get him out of the way, let the fans enjoy him, send him off somewhat triumphant. Too bad the match was boring. 3/4*

Pettengill interviews Natalie Cole at ringside as well as gives the head operator of Caesar's Palace some face time.

Okerlund interviews Mr. Perfect, which leads to the most underrated Botchamania moment ever: Perfect talks about how great a week he's been having in Vegas, and says he's Absolutely Perfect... then trips over Lex Luger's name, calling him “The Lexorcist Nar.. the Larciss... the... who?” Okerlund bails him out, and they play it off as Perfect being too excited to talk straight, but COME ON, your whole gimmick is you don't make mistakes like that!

MATCH SIX: Mr. Perfect (just turned 35) vs. Lex Luger (34)

I'm surprised Hennig is older than Luger. Luger comes to the ring with four mirror holding babes wearing the bear minimum allowed by US law. Heenan asks Okerlund and Savage to be quiet during the entrance in a bit Lawler would use with Chris Masters. His fawning over Luger is a running gag throughout the match.

Perfect doesn't bother to swat the gum, instead spitting it right at Luger. The two exchange arm twists with Perfect getting the better of it. Perfect with a headlock, and the two exchange wristlocks until they get to the ropes. Luger goes to the eyes, but perfect reverses a whip and gets a running kneelift. Perfect knocks down Luger, adding a running dropkick as Luger bails. He slowly returns as Heenan claims the knockouts are due to bat speed. Perfect gains control in the corner, but Luger fights away and drops elbows on Perfect's neck. A trip to the buckle follows, but Perfect catches a boot attempt, getting a single-leg takedown and working the leg. Luger oversells it a little, but nothing wrong with that as Perfect keeps working the leg. Heenan is worried. Perfect with a spinning toe hold on Luger, and Luger's having trouble keeping his shoulders up before making the ropes. Perfect kicks away at Luger's leg. He chops Luger in the corner HARD, kicking the knee and punching away. Another CHOP OF DOOM follows. Luger reverses a Hammer Throw and buys time to help his leg. A second Hammer Throw follows. Luger dumps Perfect to the outside and follows, ramming Perfect's back into the apron as Savage and Heenan note that Perfect was out for two years with a back injury. Luger adds forearm shots to the back. He adds a rib breaker to Perfect, then a front elbowdrop for two. Luger throws Perfect into the corner, but Perfect with kicks to gain separation for a time. He reverses Luger into the corner but runs into a kneelift, and Luger with a Flair Pin for two before being caught. Luger with a powerslam for two, but not before he taunts which may have cost him the match according to Savage. Perfect with high elevation on a sunset flip for two. Perfect with a sleeper on Luger, but Luger backs him into a corner. Perfect fights out of the corner, chopping him hard. He wins a slugfest, dropping Luger, but Luger with a kick and he takes over. Luger puts his head down and gets hit with a small package for two. Perfect with a back body drop and Hammer Throw, following up with a catapult and overhead right. Another overhead right gets two. Perfect pulls a strap down and keeps up the offense, getting ten punches in the corner before Luger with an inverted atomic drop. Perfect comes back with clotheslines, getting two. Swinging neckbreaker gets two. Perfect goes up top, landing a missile dropkick for two, but Luger's foot is on the ropes. Luger hooks a backslide for the win at 10:33, but Perfect's feet were in the ropes and the referee missed it. Perfect protests and gets knocked out by the BIONIC FOREARM OF DEATH. This match is overrated. **1/2

The real fun comes after this, as Perfect wakes up and goes backstage to look for Luger. He finds Luger chatting with Shawn Michaels and attacks, but Shawn takes offense to that and a double-team begins. This would lead to two important points: first, Shawn and Perfect met for the I-C title at SummerSlam 1993; and second, Perfect would remember Luger's transgressions one year later during Luger's WWF Title fight against Yokozuna.

Savage and Heenan argue over what they just saw and nearly come to blows as a desperate JR throws it to Gorilla, who puts over the two remaining matches.

MATCH SEVEN: Giant Gonzalez (27) vs. Undertaker (28)

For those wondering, because I have seen Giant Gonzalez I will never comment about how awful the Great Khali is. Khali may not be average in workrate, but he uses his body well, he has decent mobility, and he knows how to sell. That's more than we can say about Gonzalez here, whose only selling point is that he's the tallest wrestler in the world at 7'7. Gonzalez debuted at the Royal Rumble, running in – well, walking in – and disposing of Undertaker. This is their first meeting. The Undertaker is accompanied by a vulture on a chariot.

A staredown begins. Giant smashes Taker with a clubbing blow, staggering him temporarily. Each shot just results in Taker staring back at him. Taker rocks Giant with uppercuts, but Giant chokes down Taker. Giant shoves Taker into the corner and chokes away, and the two begin choking each other as Taker tries Old School, only for Giant to hit him in the groin. Giant misses an axhandle, and Taker gets an uppercut. Taker goes for Old School, connecting but not knocking Giant down. He slaps around Giant, kicking him in the corner but charging into a big boot. Taker's down, and Giant goes CLUBBERIN some more. Giant with a beal on Taker, and Giant gets a standing chinlock on Taker. This goes on for a while. Taker drops to one knee. The chinlock continues. Taker up to two feet. The chinlock continues. Taker back to one knee. The chinlock CONTINUES. Taker is in a sitting position. We're still going. Heenan: “You know how some people can palm a basketball? This guy could probably palm a Buick.” They do the arm test, Taker keeps the arm up. The chinlock is still on. Taker FINALLY breaks it with elbows, but Giant throws Taker to the outside and follows, chopping Taker and slamming him hard into the steps. He then throws Taker into the steps as both managers (Paul Bearer and Harvey Whippleman) distract the ref. Taker is back up and in, so Giant headbutts Taker. Taker keeps sitting up, and Giant keeps headbutting him. A slugfest breaks out, and Taker seems to win it, punching away on Giant's torso. Giant's selling looks like he's trying out for a remake of the Thriller video. Giant is down to one knee, but Harvey throws a chloroform rag into the ring and Giant uses it for the DQ at 7:33. Man, I went the whole match without making fun of Giant's body-paint muscle suit. -*** Giant KO's Taker with the rag, and they give Taker the stretcher ride. Refs try to clear out Giant, so he chokeslams one of them. The crowd wants Hogan to do something, which wouldn't be the worst idea for him even though the match could be the most disastrous one ever booked. Then the gong sounds and Taker comes back. Giant does his best “You gotta be kidding me” look. Taker fights his way back in, and after several clotheslines, he finally knocks Giant down. Giant rolls out of the ring like a beached whale, as Bearer restrains Taker and Giant asks what just happened.

Okerlund builds up the main event and shows us the carnage Yokozuna has caused. He then, for reasons that didn't make sense at the time, interviews Hulk Hogan for analysis. Hogan just makes vague threats and asks for the next title shot at either man.

Todd Pettengill interviews random audience members.

MAIN EVENT: WWF Champion Bret Hart (35) vs. Yokozuna (26)

If Yokozuna wins, he would tie Undertaker for youngest WWF champion. Yokozuna won the 1993 Royal Rumble (from lucky 27), earning a WWF Title match at WrestleMania as a result. The big story here is the size difference: in kayfabe, it's the 505-pound Yokozuna against the 234-pound Bret Hart. Hart won the belt from Ric Flair at a house show in Saskatchewan in October, one of the few times the WWF title changed hands outside of a TV show.

Yokozuna does some traditional Sumo poses to start. Bret charges with a dropkick on Yokozuna, pounding on him in the corner and a ten-punch count. Yokozuna pushes him off, but Bret fires away only to get a chop to the throat. Bret tries a waistlock, but Yokozuna's too big and tackles him. Bret is knocked out of the ring, so Yokozuna kicks him down. Bret catches the next kick and tangles Yokozuna in the ropes, giving him free reign to catapult onto him and fire away. Bret goes up, landing the second-rope elbow before allowing the referee to free Yokozuna. Bret with a clothesline, but Yokozuna won't go down and he destroys Bret with a lariat. Yokozna drops an elbow, then slams Bret. Giant legdrop follows, and the fans chant USA at Yokozuna. Even though Bret is Canadian. Yokozuna stomps away, then drapes Bret on the top rope and chokes him. Yokozuna with a nerve hold from a standing position, as JR talks about how Bret's big strategy might be to extend the match and win with superior stamina. Heenan notes that champions don't think about that. Yokozuna punches Bret into the corner, but a blind charge eats boot. Bret dives off the ropes with a bulldog, getting two. Yokozuna with a superkick and he bows to Fuji. Snapmare and nerve hold follow. Yokozuna with a throat thrust and corner whip, but the avalanche is WAY too slow. Bret with another bulldog for two. Second-rope elbow gets two. Diving clothesline, then a running clothesline, but Yokozuna won't stay down. Bret with ten punches in the corner, but Yokozuna pulls him out. Bret takes the turnbuckle cover with him as Yokozuna gets a slam. Bret sends Yokozuna into the steel bolt, then he hooks the Sharpshooter. It's right in front of Fuji, though, and Fuji throws salt in Bret's eyes. Yokozuna covers and wins the title at 8:55. Honestly, five more minutes and that's a good match. *3/4

Hulk Hogan races in to protest, and since he's the self-appointed #1 Contender he wants the match to restart. He goes out to check on Bret, and then Mr. Fuji does the dumbest thing humanly possible: he challenges Hogan to a title match right then and there. Bret insists Hogan answer the bell, and we he does. Yokozuna holds up Hogan, but Fuji's salt hits Yokozuna in the eyes. Axe Bomber and Legdrop change the title again at an official 22 seconds. Just about everyone agrees this was a huge power play by Hogan and should've never happened, so I won't add anything here.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I'll add it here instead: this should've never happened. If Hogan wanted to be in the main event scene that badly, you give him a title match against Bret (preferably) at Saturday Night's Main Event to test his loyalty. To be fair, Vince had no reason to believe Hogan would stand him up, but that's what happened: Hogan went off to do movies rather than do the house show circuit. Vince was so furious he promoted King of the Ring to a PPV status, had Yokozuna crush Hogan at the event, and washed his hands of Hogan for eight and a half years. It's the least Vince could've done.

This event is given universal scorn, but when you look at the star ratings, it's not a horrific show. Shawn/Tatanka, Steiners/SST, and Luger/Perfect are perfectly reasonable. Were this an In Your House or even a SummerSlam, we wouldn't be nearly as upset by it. But you expect greatness at WrestleMania, and we didn't get it. We expect the main event to be either a mat classic or a white-hot finish, and we got neither. And let's be honest: someone like Giant Gonzalez has no business on WrestleMania.

Still, there are positives to this event. Heenan is at his crankiest, and a cranky Heenan is an entertaining Heenan. The first two matches are very good. The “twin Doink” angle begins here, which was the apex of Doink's heel heat. If you can stomach the bad or have the fast forward button handy, you might be able to deal with this.

STATS:

MATCH TIME: 90:51 over nine matches

BEST MATCH: Shawn/Tatanka

WORST MATCH: Taker/Giant

NIGHT MVP: Lex Luger (Hogan lost earlier in the night; Tatanka didn't get the gold... this really kind of is by default)

FINAL SCORE: 3.5. This is almost universally considered the worst Mania of all time, though I personally think 2 and 11 are much worse. This at least had three matches above average, and although you expect more from a Mania, it's mainly the Hogan hate – not unjustifiable – that cements its rep.

I'll be back with Raw from Richmond! I don't want to spoil anything, but I can tell you, there's a huge development upcoming!