On This Day: WCW Saturday Night - August 31, 1996

Slim Jim brings the excitement (SNAP INTO IT), and WCW brings a FULL 2-hour edition of Saturday Night, due to the fact the Braves played (and got killed) at 12:05 in Wrigley. Their loss is YOUR gain. Midcarders, Jobbers, and Mean Gene oh my!

TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES recap the most recent nWo attack. Dusty wonders what Ted DiBiase has in store for us, now that he’s stepped onto the “bowels of the battleship”.

THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart and Hugh Morrus) vs. THE RENEGADE

Tony sticks to the company line that DiBiase must be the fifth Horsemen, but Dusty’s skeptical because he “knows the history of the Horsemen” and is aware there’s never been a fifth Horseman. I’m delighted Dusty is here, because he throws out these utterly pointless factoids, but sells it with such pride that you KNOW he’s proud of himself for thinking outside the box. Giant wins with a Chokeslam at 1:52. Then Morrus climbs the buckle and hits a moonsault. If this is all we get out of the Dungeon tonight, I’m cool with that – but let’s not kid ourselves. DUD

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND wants to chat with Jimmy and Giant, but NOT Morrus. Hart tells Savage he’d better bring something bigger than a chair to Fall Brawl, because what goes up must come down. Giant says he’s sick of taking all the blame for the nWo, since Savage was far too scared to show up in Sturgis.

Shortly afterwards, Gene finds ICE TRAIN and TEDDY LONG. They gonna bring it at Fall Brawl, in a Submission Match against Scott Norton. Seriously, this is STILL going?!? Gene throws out “hey Teddy, great haircut” and Long, without breaking, nods and says “thank you!”

KURASAWA vs. ICE TRAIN (with Teddy Long)

Train and Kurasawa trade chops for awhile, before Train grows bored and turns to the hiptoss. Powerslam gets Train jacked, and he follows with a standing splash with some air! Train throws Kurasawa’s shoulder to the buckle, and applies an arm breaker while screaming Norton’s name. Kurasawa won’t tap, which probably doesn’t bode well for Train’s chances at the PPV. Train drops a leg on the arm, and applies the cross arm breaker for the win at 2:54. Kurasawa has never been booked weaker, and he may want to consider returning to Japan at this point. 1/2*

MR JL vs. CHRIS JERICHO

Have I mentioned before how giddy I get that Jerry Lynn uses the exact same music that Jerry Flynn eventually would? Let’s see if Jericho can bust out of being a white bread loser today, and actually accept the idea of winning a match. Jericho plants him with a dropkick, while Tony announces they need to “pull out” for a commercial. Ladies, I know you’re disappointed by Tony, but stick with this recap, because I never pull out.

JL tries working something of a half-crab when we’re back, but can’t get anything going, so he hits a rana instead. Jericho ducks a crossbody, and hits a clothesline for 2. Jericho hits a standing vertical suplex to show off his strength, and turns to the chops. JL turns them around on Jericho, and hits a dropkick in the corner. Tony, focusing on the nWo as usual, comes up with a smart idea; play out War Games on the level, and once the entire squad is in the ring, send in everyone from WCW to leave them in a bloody heap. If he didn’t announce it on TV in front of the world, I’d call this brilliant. Meanwhile, Jericho hits a bulldog off the apron that leaves JL dizzy. He rolls back in gingerly, where Jericho meets him with a backdrop, followed by a senton backsplash. Up to the top, JL dropkicks him off and to the floor, and follows behind with a plancha off the buckle! Back in, JL rolls Jericho up, but it’s only 2. A back elbow drops Jericho, and JL follows with a missile dropkick for a VERY close 2. Jericho manages to fight out of something, hitting a fisherman’s buster, and he finishes with the Lionsault at 6:52. **1/2

THE NASTY BOYS vs. THE STEINER BROTHERS

Rick Steiner comes out from the Star Trek doors getting beaten up by both Nastys. The backstage camera shows that Scotty is laid out backstage. It should come as no surprise that your referee here is NICK PATRICK. Rick fights both guys with as many punches and suplexes as he can muster. HARLEM HEAT, with COLONEL ROBERT PARKER and SISTA SHERRI all rush the ring, bringing the fight right to the Nastys. The bell is rung as a shmoz, but nothing ever officially started this. I’d be fine if they retired the tag-team belts at this point, I’m sick of all these teams.

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND grabs Sherri and Parker in the locker room. The Colonel says he hasn’t slept well in a week since the Nastys attacked Sherri, and today, it starts. Parker offers the Nastys a job on his ranch, slaggin’ pig slop.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. BILLY KIDMAN

The arrows could not be pointing harder at DDP as an nWo guy at this point. He managed both Hall and Nash. He had a mysterious benefactor that got him back on his feet (Ted DiBiase?). Someone is helping the nWo in and out of the building. DDP has never been seen during any of the carnage. Nick Patrick referees most of his matches; albeit not this one (hi Mark Curtis!). He’s ALMOST as suspicious as that darn Ultimate Dragon. Oh, there’s a match, yes. Kidman hits a springboard crossbody and nearly scores an upset. DDP whips Kidman into the corner, and is right behind with a shoulderblock to the midsection. A pumphandle backbreaker gets DDP excited, but no one’s there to give him a rating out of 10. There’s been a real emptiness to Page since Kimberly left him for Johnny B Badd, who is of course leading the WCW version of the nWo in the WWF. Kidman manages a tornado bulldog, and comes off the top with a crossbody, but DDP finds a Diamond Cutter for the win at 4:02. He gives himself a self-high-five after the match. Good man! **

Back in the locker room, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND grabs a word with DDP, who is still insisting he’s the Battlebowl Champion. DDP says if Eddie isn’t man enough to take the ring, then he doesn’t deserve the title as champion. Gene asks about the whereabouts of the ring, but Page claims he has no idea. Page calls the Guerreros a bunch of zeroes. No monkey? I’m let down.

Double Gene-o segment, with JIMMY HART and KEVIN SULLIVAN. Sullivan insists on interviewing Gene. He again repeats that if everyone had listened to him a year and a half ago, we’d have no problems today. On that note, isn’t Gene the guy who’s travelled with him through every major event of Hogan’s career? Wasn’t he leading the ticker tape parade? Didn’t he idolize him? Gene admits it. Sullivan mentions that Gene sells that he has inside scoops to the nWo to promote his hotline, and suggests that Gene is not only still buddies with Hogan, but part of the nWo. Gene freaks out and demands to talk to the Taskmaster, and NOT Johnny Cochran. Sullivan tells the fans that the only person to blame for Hogan today is Gene.

“HARDWORK” BOBBY WALKER vs. SCOTT NORTON

According to Tony, Ice Train and Walker are close friends. I suspect it’s because they have a lot in common, if you catch my drift. (It’s the fact they both love Hard Work!) Norton wraps his giant arms around Walker’s melon, and chokes him in the ropes while trash talking the entire time. However, he misses a blind charge, and Walker springboards up, comes off the top … doing absolutely nothing in the process. Literally, he jumped and landed behind Norton. No surprise we move to the shoulderbreaker followed by a cross armbreaker at 3:48. Same move as Ice Train. That should help sell the 40^th rematch at Fall Brawl between those two. DUD

After a sell-job for Fall Brawl, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND welcomes NICK PATRICK. This is turning into a witch-hunt, at this point Patrick has nothing to lose by going nWo because nobody trusts him anyway. Gene admits, if it wasn’t for himself, it’s possible that nobody talks about his mistakes – but he’s tired of all these “little mistakes”. Patrick reminds Gene that he has been cleared by WCW for every indiscretion, and outside of Gene and Dusty, nobody else has been levying these ugly accusations. Patrick brings up that Gene has long ties to the Outsiders. Gene tells him they’re not here to talk about himself, but about Patrick. Patrick says he drives a 94 American made car, and lives in a $125,000 house. Gene says he saw Patrick in some Armani clothing. Patrick in turn mentions Gene was driving a red Mercedes earlier. Gene: “That’s a rental car, pal!” Patrick: “Sure it is.” Patrick is playing his role to a tee, who knew the referee could be so dynamic?

THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE NEW WORLD ORDER

It’s Hogan alone in a room with a giant inflatable globe, which he’s kicking around because the nWo have taken over the world. He brags about the nWo belt, poses with a baseball bat, and calls it a “home run”. He spray paints out a WCW log (“World Crybabies Wrestling”), and vows to leave Sting stung. “You gotta change with the times, man.” Hogan says you have to take what you want, bond for business. Because anything less, would be uncivilized.

COBRA and SGT CRAIG PITTMAN (with Teddy Long) vs. THE FACES OF FEAR (with Jimmy Hart)

Meng tells it like it is on the way to the ring: “Hawwwwf … mawchu maw maw”. The lousy Cobra attacks Meng before the bell, and Pittman joins in. Hart screams “THIS AIN’T A HANDICAP MATCH, REF DO SOMETHING!” – but thankfully Meng can take care of himself and he stomps Cobra in the face. He might need some make-up to cover the mess that probably made, he should look in to some face paint. Sting would be a good person to speak to. Barbarian takes Pittman to the floor with a Cactus clothesline. Back in, Meng punches away but Pittman no sells because his head is just that hard. I’d love to watch these two have a headbutting contest, it might go on for days. The savages hit a double headbutt off the corners, but Cobra saves. A legdrop misses, and Pittman hits an atomic drop that allows him enough time to tag Cobra. Dropkicks for everyone! Until Meng gives him some Sweet Chin Music for the win at 4:37. *

“LORD” STEVEN REGAL (with Jeeves) vs. LEX LUGER (for the WCW world television title)

NICK PATRICK is assigned to this match. Fans chant USA, which sends Regal into a white hot rage – shame on you American fans, trying to throw a real sportsman off his game. Luger hits a back elbow, and roars, which makes Regal’s eyes pop out of his head. Back to their feet, Regal tries to wring the arm, but Luger puts him in a headlock. Luger hits a backslide for 2, and hits a pair of armdrags which sends Regal out to take a powder (and insult a couple of cameramen). Back in, they wind up in a test of strength, which ends on the ground where Luger stomps on the hands. Regal holds them like they’re on fire, blowing on them and begging off. They lock back up, Regal is powered to the corner and immediately starts screaming “BREAK REF, BREAK!” As soon as Luger releases, he gets a thumb to the eye, and Regal goes mental with a flurry of punches and kicks, along with a lecture, Sunshine. A double knee to the face drops Lex, but doesn’t finish much to Regal’s ire. A blind charge gets a Luger kick to the face, and Regal is staggering like he’s just emerged from the pub after a few dozen Guinness’s. A vertical suplex looks to finish, but Regal gets his foot on the rope. Regal goes back to what works, with another thumb to the eye, but this time Luger swings wildly with a clothesline and Regal hits the floor. Luger follows, and that draws in THE OUTSIDERS from the crowd!!! They throw Luger shoulder first to the ringpost! Back in, Regal rolls Luger in, and scores the pin at 7:40!!!!! REGAL WINS! REGAL WINS!!!! NEW CHAMPION!!!!!!! Dusty immediately starts asking whether or not Regal is part of the nWo, but there’s no time to think about it because we head to the back. ***

Regal reminds Tony Schiavone that he promised weeks ago there would be change coming, and exactly as he stated, if Luger started bouncing his pecks around he’d rip his shoulders off his frame. He says that Nick Patrick is a wonderful referee, and promises to take the title all over the world, unlike Hogan or Flair who wait for people to come to them. He promises to defend with honor and pride. He will go to wrestle in the sandpits of India, or beat up any champion in Japan, because this title will remain his as long as he “bloody well wants it to”. Tony has enough and calls for the end of the show. I don’t see why, Regal just wants to be a fighting champion. Shame on the biased announcers.

Worldwide tomorrow!