The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–03.13.95

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 03.13.95

Be sure to check out my latest Sporting News column, covering my picks for who Brock Lesnar’s Wrestlemania opponent might be. Spoiler: Probably Roman Reigns. Share on the social medias if you enjoy!

Live from Stockton, CA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jim Cornette

The Blu Twins v. The Headshrinkers

This was advertised as Blus v. Kid & Holly in the opening, but Vince notes that Bob got stuck in a traffic jam and thus they’re a no-show. Meltzer at the time notes that both guys were in fact there, so who knows what wacky reasoning was behind this. My wife notes that the Blu’s hair is gorgeous, and I harsh her buzz by noting that they both started shaving their heads a year after this and they’ve been bald ever since. Well, love hurts sometimes. Sionne quickly gets double-teamed on the outside by the Blus and they beat on him for a bit, as we take a break. Back with Jacob holding a chinlock until Sionne escapes, but they use TWIN MAGIC to retain control as Cornette blames the absence of Afa and Albano on the Headshrinkers’ struggles. In fact, the managers were specifically cut loose for this taping to save money. Apparently they also cut the guy in charge of good finishes, because after Sionne makes the hot tag, they immediately fight to the back for the double countout at 10:00. It’s the fucking Headshrinkers, why bother? *

Meanwhile, LT will have a bunch of football players in his corner. Some dork named Steve McMichael cuts a promo noting he’ll be here next week to confront Kama. Whoever heard of this guy?

Bam Bam offers his response, as Kama has quietly joined the Million Dollar Team to somehow take his career down another notch.

Meanwhile, Ernie Ladd offers his analysis of the Bam Bam v. LT match, sounding like Morgan Freeman narrating a movie. They should have put him on the broadcast team! Every episode would sound like The Shawshank Redemption. A quick check reveals that sadly Ladd died in 2007, which I didn’t even realize.

Jeff Jarrett v. Barry Horowitz

Barry gets PROMO TIME before the match, and of course this was leading somewhere eventually. Barry with a backslide for two, and a small package for two as well. JJ bails and trips him up to take over, then works the back, but Horowitz goes to the armbar and hangs on through a slam. Finally Jarrett makes the ropes to escape the onslaught, but Barry uses a spinkick on him…and hurts his knee in the process. Jarrett quickly finishes with the figure-four at 4:30. See, give the guy some promo time before the match, tell a little story in the match, and suddenly you’ve at least got SOMETHING more interesting than the usual repetitive “get your shit in and get out under 3:00” squash to fill time.

Meanwhile, Bret Hart notes that Jerry Lawler is the disease, and his FISTS are the cure. Obamacare, AM I RIGHT?

Wrestlemania Report with Todd. The Gunns v. Owen & Partner match is announced here, and highlights of the MOM heel turn are shown, as they destroy the Gunns following a title match and then turn on Oscar to write him out of the WWF as well. Also, the Allied Powers form for the first time for some reason to face the Blu Twins for some reason. How did this show not do a million buys?!?

Bret Hart v. Jerry Lawler

Lawler has Bull Nakano in his corner, which was supposed to be leading towards a Blayze v. Nakano title match at Wrestlemania, and THAT didn’t happen for some reason. A quick check reveals that “for some reason” was that Bull got fired for cocaine possession and dropped the title to Blayze the day after the show instead. OK then. Bret of course pummels Lawler from the start and hangs him in the corner for further beating all over the ring, as we see Mr. Backlund in the crowd and Hakushi watching from the aisle as we take a break. Back with Lawler doing his southern heel cheating to take over, but they head to the floor and Bull grabs Bret’s leg for the countout at 8:30. Just the usual super-easy goofy Bret v. Lawler match. *1/2 And as usual Bret beats the hell out of Lawler after the match to get his heat back. I really wish they hadn’t done the double countout earlier in the show because it really highlights how bad the finishes were.

Next week: Razor Ramon v HOG and Smoking Gunns defend against the Heavenly Bodies!

Jeff Jarrett joins us again, offering Barry Horowitz a title shot next week, but Mr. Backlund lays out Barry and signs the contract instead. That’s quite the loaded show next time!