This has nothing to do with the WWE
GM Bayless and the Administration are in the ring. Bayless says that tonight, Jef Vinson will come out and sign the contract for their match at Hell in a Cell. The GM says that this way, Jef Vinson will not have to resort to cheating to win. He will have to actually earn his victory and paycheck, just like his whore of a valet. The GM then talks about how he has Wade Michael Meltzer searching through Riverdale, along with Gosh Hopkins and Nebb28, as they attempt to locate the deranged and sadistic Archie Stackhouse. The GM then talks about diversifying the Administration so he has added a new member. He orders the crowd to rise to their feet as he welcomes the morbidly obese mealtime menace that used to date Magoonie's friend, LANDMONSTER!! Out comes Landmonster, with a 64oz Big Gulp in one hand and a jumbo-sized book of Sugar Babies in the other. The crowd boos this disgusting creature as she waddles to the ring. She tries to climb up the ringsteps but needs a breather halfway through. The GM points to his watch as Landmonster takes a seat and pulls out a Charleston Chew and a half-dozen Slim Jim's. The GM heads outside and interrupts her 14th snack break today and tells her than in the Administration, no one gets a limit on the amount of turkey loaf that they get to eat. The GM also tells Landmonster that Magoonie cut her off because he is a midcarder, and they are awful people who support things like Mayor Bloomberg's ban on Big Gulps. Landmonster slams down her Big Gulp and yells "FUCK BLOOMBERG!!!!!!!." The GM speaks to her "No, Landmonster, fuck Magoonie and the rest of the Midcard Mafia. Better yet, don't fuck them as you will tip over their Toyota Yaris, but rather destroy them. Can you do that for me?" Landmonster casually nods as she plows through a stack of Twix bars. The GM then tells us that one of the midcarders, Nick Piers, is getting treated by Miss Diagnosis right now and that she has two more empty beds in the same room. We now see the jumbotron as Piers is laying in his bed in agony as Miss Diagnosis decided to put a cast on his uninjured left arm while is broken leg remains dangling off to the site. The camera pans out as we see two beds to his right with a name assigned to each as they read "Ferrari" and Magoonie." We are back to the GM as he tells us that tonight, the MCM will be reunited then the Administration all start laughing.
Night81 vs. Biscuit!
Night is still seething after losing out on the C-List Title courtesy of MikeyMike. C-List Champion DBSM joins the announcers booth for the match as he ever so proudly displays his title. He tells the announcers that he is scouting the competition tonight. Biscuit!, the rugged veteran, rakes the eyes then takes Night down. He uses spinning toe holds then drops an elbow on the leg and wrenches it back. Biscuit stays on the attack as DBSM rattles off all of the celebs he gets to chill with because of his C-List status such as former NFL wide receiver Peter Warrick and the girl from "My Two Dads." What a name dropper! Night fights back and takes control but out to the ring comes MikeyMike. Night sees him and stares him down. He focuses back on the match but Biscuit hits him with an European Uppercut then a backbreaker that gets two. Night avoids an elbow drop then takes control of the match. Mikey heads closer to the ring as the referee is distracted by Biscuit. Mikey yells at Night who wants him in the ring but turns around and eats a flying knee smash by Biscuit. He covers but that only gets two. Night floats over on a back suplex attempt then tries a reverse rollup but that is reversed and Biscuit holds the tights and gets the win! Big win for Biscuit as DBSM tells is he has to go meet the guy who played Ugh on "Salute Your Shorts" for a charity event. Mikey laughs hysterically as he backs up the ramp as Night is madder than ever.
A Rolls Royce pulls up. The driver gets out and opens the door to reveal Biff Kensington III! Biff takes out a stack of money and slaps it across the face of the driver and drops it as he heads into the arena and to his suite. In fact, they are all Biff's suites as he bought them all tonight.
Backstage, Justice Gray asks if the catering came and no one knows. GM Bayless thinks that the missing catering means that Hoss is back and to go check the "reserves". Gray leaves to investigate.
Backstage in the locker room, all of the vending machines are empty. Matt Indeed has an extra white windbreaker to give to whomever wants to be is Strike Force partner. Dr. Facts, "Pistol" Pete Labozetta, and Flyin' Brian Gutan all politely decline but Mr. Satan said he will help him out. Matt is happy and gives Satan the jacket, who tells him that he has to change then heads to the stalls as we hear the toilet flush. Satan walks out and says that he changed. Dancin' Devin & Lil James are GITTIN FUN-KAY but WWF1987 and Bobby ambush them from behind!!!!! BY GAWD THEY STOPPED DA FUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby takes the boombox and smashes it on the ground then rings his cowbell proudly!!!!! Officials and jobbers break up the melee as Mar Solo is in the background hitting the eliptical machine with a pot of coffee in each hand, throwing it back as if it was water.
"Happening" Harry Broadhurst vs. Ziggaman730
Ziggaman is part of the GM's new "ask and you get a spot" initiative. Hope it goes well. Harry takes the mic and gives us two facts:
#17. Harry thinks Sting (The musician) sucks
#18. Harry never turns down a bowl of french onion soup
Lots of facts here. The bell rings but there is a commotion in the crowd. They part as Parallax comes roaring through. He hops the guardrail and runs in the ring as Harry takes off like a prom dress as Ziggaman is left and gets dropped. Parallax with a curb stomp and another one before tossing Ziggaman to the floor. He then grabs the mic:
" I have two things to say. First, I will address Cultstatus. You see, he is not here tonight. The GM gave him the night off but with ratings down, its because he cannot afford all of the Top 5'ers to appear on the same show. And while only a Top 5'er in name only, Cultstatus, your quality is shit and your body of work would fit right in with Abeyance if he had a blog.
But last and the most important thing I have to say, the fact that I am not getting a title shot and this part-time has been who calls himself "The Fuj" is makes me sick. If the GM wants to book like it is 2012 then do that, the numbers reflect that, but I am the number one draw. I am the best. And its not the fact that I am straight edge that makes me better than you its everything about me that makes me better, more impressive and bigger than life and I am not talking about Meekin. You see, I have will power unlike the champ who is strung out on god knows what right now. And when I get the belt, I will get the belt, it will not leave my hands as I am better than everyone else in this damn place. (Parallax leaves then pulls Ziggaman off of the stretcher for another curb stomp"
And now, we catch up with Wade Michael Meltzer, Gosh Hopkins, and Nebb28
We are in Riverdale, with white picket fences and trees in the front lawn of every home. There all children playing street hockey and neighbors waving to each other.
Wade: Alright guys, lets do some investigating (He rings a doorbell and a middle-aged lady wearing an apron answers)
Lady: Why, hello! I was baking some cookies do you guys want some
Wade: Well, Tanahashi had four cookies before his matches at the G1 Tournament but I am here for work today, ma'am. Have you seen this person today? (Shows her a picture of Stackhouse)
Lady: (Looks in horror) Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (She screams and runs out of her house and down the street while flailing her arms.)
Wade: I had a similar reaction every time I watched the Junkyard Dog wrestle in WCW (followed by smarmy laugh)
The saga will continue next week.
The Fuj vs. Joe Dust
The Fuj is back and gets a title shot, even if Parallax is unhappy. The Fuj gets attacked from behind by Joe Dust as the match is underway. Joe Dust stomps a mudhole into BoD legend. He gets two with a snap suplex then works a chinlock. Joe breaks but misses a clothesline and gets booted down by the Fuj, who takes control of the match. Joe gets dropped with a forerarm smash as Fuj yanks Joe into the center of the ring and goes for his finisher the Fuji Vice (ankle lock) but Joe escapes outside. He regroups and heads back in as he locks up with the Fuj. Joe does not break cleanly then heads up top for a missile dropkick but Fuj blocks it then slaps on the Fuji Vice. Joe tries to escape but is going nowhere and decides to tap out. The Fuj grabs the mic and declares that he is back then leaves the ring. Folks, the Fuj is here and gunning for the BoD Title.
Backstage, the Job Mob arrive. Justice Gray approaches them and tells Jobber to meet with the GM then tells the others that they will be facing Steve Ferrari & Magoonie tonight. Zanatude says that they will defend the Six-Man Titles as Gray tells him that they do not exist. Zanatude tells him to stop being ridiculous then opens a case to reveal three shiny new belts. We have people creating their own championships.
Danimal Crossing is in the locker room as he reveals another clue about his new gimmick. He said that he knows of one thing and that there is nothing stereotypical about it, nothing at all.
GM's Choice
BoD Name Generator
RIPSHIT
Racial Stereotype with Lil' Added to the Name
Racial Stereotype
Mack the Evil Trucker
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist
Landmonster is at the concession stands as she is participating in the corn dog eating contest. Correction, its just her 18th snack of the day.
And now, it's Welcome to the BoD with your host, Abeyance and his sidekick, thebraziliankid
Abeyance: Welcome to the BoD!
Crowd: Thank You!!!!!!
Abeyance: Your welcome. So braziliankid, how are you today?
Kid: I am good. I went to 2nd base with my girlfriend
Abeyance: Where is that?
Kid: I guess it was under her shirt
Abeyance: You people in Brazil play baseball funny
Kid: I guess
Abeyance: Well, our guest also has a girlfriend and he is going to face our friend for the BoD Writer's Championship. Here is "Marvelous" Matt Perri and his girlfriend, Miss Danielle.
Perri: Thank you for having me here. As Stranger is out tonight because he had an eye doctor appointment as he is getting fitted for contacts. Can you believe that is the Writer's Champion (Miss Danielle laughs). Maybe he can see the TV when he watches the baseball playoffs
Abeyance: Speaking of baseball, I saw that you have a girlfriend. Have you ever got to second base with her?
Kid: I guess it's under her shirt
Abeyance: Well now you ruined the surprise, LOL!!!!\
Kid: I'm sorry
Perri & Danielle: (Dumbfounded) What the.............................. (Dock Muraco interrupts)
Dock: (Points at Danielle) You cost me a **** star match. I was on my way to having one until you interfered.
Perri: Look at me, Puro. No one cares about star ratings, they care about stars (points at himself and his girl) so go back to watching the G1 and go climax about it afterwards. (Perri gets up to leave but Dock pulls him around.
Dock: Next week, there is a match as Andy PG and I will take on you and Tommy Hall and **** are guaranteed.
Hart Killer 09 is in the ring and has the mic:
"There used to be three things that were certain: Death, Taxes, and the fact that Shawn Michaels invented the ladder match. But when I became the first ever BoD Solid B+ Player, I made sure to be the greatest Solid B+ Player of all-time. So, I have given a chance for someone to get carried by me in the ring so whoever has enough heart to answer my open challenge, let me tell you that it ends with you getting screwed.
No one comes out but all of a sudden we see a bevy of babes as Buck Nasty has made his return to BoD RAW!!!!!!
Buck Nasty w/ The Skank Patrol vs. Hart Killer 09
Buck hits a running knee strike at a charging Hart. Buck does a shimmy then drops a fist. Buck takes Hart out with a dropkick then flies out with a somersault plancha as the Skank Patrol dance in approval. Back inside, Buck covers for two then grabs a headlock. Hart Killer counters with a back suplex then softens up the leg. Buck fights back but gets kicked down as Hart goes back to the leg again. The Skank Patrol rally behind Buck as he fights out. Buck slides underneath Hart and comes back with an enziguiri as both men are down. Buck is up first and he slugs away but gets kneed on a charge in the corner and Hart puts his feet on the ropes as he rolls up Buck for the win. Hart celebrates then grabs the mic and talks about how it is a "Sunny Day." Buck looks down but the Skank Patrol comfort him and they all leave to go to Chang O'Reilly's. Yeah.
Jobber is backstage with the GM as they appear to be wrapping up their conversation. The GM tells Jobber that is a reasonable request and easy to accommodate as he can make Nick Piers pay for his own medical bills. They both laugh then Jobber tells the GM he has company as he leaves to head back to his suite. Parallax walks by and stares down the GM. Bayless tells Parallax that he heard his speech out there and admires him for that. He then tells Parallax that he was not his fault that he did not get a title shot at BoD SummerSlam, it was Jef Vinson's as he cashed in his MoTB Briefcase. The GM ensures Parallax that he had every intention of putting him the title picture and did not expect him to lose the #1 Contender's match. He then tells Parallax that he has to go and that he should enjoy his Top #5 amenities, such as the premium cable package in the Top 5 Lounge, and that they will continue this conversation next week when the GM invites Parallax into the ring so he can let him air out his grievances. Parallax stares down the GM as he walks away. The GM sort of blew off the Top 5'er there but in fairness, he was busy.
Zanatude & Big Dirty Murph & Stuart Chartock vs. Steve Ferrari & Magoonie
Zanatude has all three of his self-proclaimed six-man championship belts with him as he heads to the ring. The Job Mob all appear a little hungover but what else is new. Ferrari and Magoonie attack the Mob and hammer away. The action spills outside as they brawl around the ring. Murph shatters a Labatt Blue bottle and tries to jig up Magoonie but that fails when Ferrari decks him with a clothesline. Zanatude takes two of his own title belts and uses them to hit Ferrari with a bell clap. The former top dog and current Jobber man crush, Stuart Chartock, attacks Magoonie from behind and OH MY GOD, its the Upper Midcard Express!!! They join in and attack the midcarders as it is a 5-2 attack. JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER ITS LANDMONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!! She slowly, and I mean slowly waddles down the ramp as Magoonie and Ferrari are stacked up on a table. If she puts them through a table the Midcard Mafia will be finished forever! Magoonie and Ferrari are bloodied but Kyle Warne, Adam Curry, and Cabspaintedyellow run out for the save as it is a 5 on 5 brawl!!!!! Landmonster stopped for another break then pulls out some Skittles and eats those before leaving. These guys are going all over the arena leaving a trail of destruction behind them. These guys are going non-stop as just about everyone appears to be busted open. Finally, they slow down as White Coat Security run out for the save.
Backstage, Gray tells Bayless that the "reserves" are untouched. Bayless says that means Hoss is out there somewhere and we need to find him.
We are now in the middle of the ring as the crew are preparing for the contract signing between Bayless and Jef Vinson.
The ring is set up and Bayless welcomes out Vinson, who walks out calmly. Bayless alerts Vinson that his days of cheap wins are over but unfortunately his days of cheap whore valets are never going to end. He then tells Vinson to sign the contract as he does without even looking. Bayless laughs as he tells Vinson that he just signed his career away. (Bayless puts a liquid on the paper and rubs it) You see this, you just signed a contract that read if you lose, you will never get a shot at the title ever again. You are finished, Jef Vinson. Just like Chingy's rap career, your BoD career will be going "Right thur" as he points at a trashcan. Bayless laughs way too hard at is mildly clever reference as Jef grabs the mic. He tells the GM that he does not plan on losing anyway so it doesnt matter what stipulation he adds. Jef then said that he has something else for him as he drags this out a bit as someone appears to be sneaking into the ring from behind. Jef tells the GM to turn around and its................................................................................................................................................... Vinson's valet! Bayless turns and his frightened as the valet kicks him in the nuts!!!! The crowd loves this as the valet stomps on the GM's groin area. White Coat Security and the Administration rush the ring but Vinson carries his valet and hops the guardrail through the crowd as they go insane. The GM just got embarrassed by his enemy as we are out of time!!!!!!!!!!!
GM Bayless and the Administration are in the ring. Bayless says that tonight, Jef Vinson will come out and sign the contract for their match at Hell in a Cell. The GM says that this way, Jef Vinson will not have to resort to cheating to win. He will have to actually earn his victory and paycheck, just like his whore of a valet. The GM then talks about how he has Wade Michael Meltzer searching through Riverdale, along with Gosh Hopkins and Nebb28, as they attempt to locate the deranged and sadistic Archie Stackhouse. The GM then talks about diversifying the Administration so he has added a new member. He orders the crowd to rise to their feet as he welcomes the morbidly obese mealtime menace that used to date Magoonie's friend, LANDMONSTER!! Out comes Landmonster, with a 64oz Big Gulp in one hand and a jumbo-sized book of Sugar Babies in the other. The crowd boos this disgusting creature as she waddles to the ring. She tries to climb up the ringsteps but needs a breather halfway through. The GM points to his watch as Landmonster takes a seat and pulls out a Charleston Chew and a half-dozen Slim Jim's. The GM heads outside and interrupts her 14th snack break today and tells her than in the Administration, no one gets a limit on the amount of turkey loaf that they get to eat. The GM also tells Landmonster that Magoonie cut her off because he is a midcarder, and they are awful people who support things like Mayor Bloomberg's ban on Big Gulps. Landmonster slams down her Big Gulp and yells "FUCK BLOOMBERG!!!!!!!." The GM speaks to her "No, Landmonster, fuck Magoonie and the rest of the Midcard Mafia. Better yet, don't fuck them as you will tip over their Toyota Yaris, but rather destroy them. Can you do that for me?" Landmonster casually nods as she plows through a stack of Twix bars. The GM then tells us that one of the midcarders, Nick Piers, is getting treated by Miss Diagnosis right now and that she has two more empty beds in the same room. We now see the jumbotron as Piers is laying in his bed in agony as Miss Diagnosis decided to put a cast on his uninjured left arm while is broken leg remains dangling off to the site. The camera pans out as we see two beds to his right with a name assigned to each as they read "Ferrari" and Magoonie." We are back to the GM as he tells us that tonight, the MCM will be reunited then the Administration all start laughing.
Night81 vs. Biscuit!
Night is still seething after losing out on the C-List Title courtesy of MikeyMike. C-List Champion DBSM joins the announcers booth for the match as he ever so proudly displays his title. He tells the announcers that he is scouting the competition tonight. Biscuit!, the rugged veteran, rakes the eyes then takes Night down. He uses spinning toe holds then drops an elbow on the leg and wrenches it back. Biscuit stays on the attack as DBSM rattles off all of the celebs he gets to chill with because of his C-List status such as former NFL wide receiver Peter Warrick and the girl from "My Two Dads." What a name dropper! Night fights back and takes control but out to the ring comes MikeyMike. Night sees him and stares him down. He focuses back on the match but Biscuit hits him with an European Uppercut then a backbreaker that gets two. Night avoids an elbow drop then takes control of the match. Mikey heads closer to the ring as the referee is distracted by Biscuit. Mikey yells at Night who wants him in the ring but turns around and eats a flying knee smash by Biscuit. He covers but that only gets two. Night floats over on a back suplex attempt then tries a reverse rollup but that is reversed and Biscuit holds the tights and gets the win! Big win for Biscuit as DBSM tells is he has to go meet the guy who played Ugh on "Salute Your Shorts" for a charity event. Mikey laughs hysterically as he backs up the ramp as Night is madder than ever.
A Rolls Royce pulls up. The driver gets out and opens the door to reveal Biff Kensington III! Biff takes out a stack of money and slaps it across the face of the driver and drops it as he heads into the arena and to his suite. In fact, they are all Biff's suites as he bought them all tonight.
Backstage, Justice Gray asks if the catering came and no one knows. GM Bayless thinks that the missing catering means that Hoss is back and to go check the "reserves". Gray leaves to investigate.
Backstage in the locker room, all of the vending machines are empty. Matt Indeed has an extra white windbreaker to give to whomever wants to be is Strike Force partner. Dr. Facts, "Pistol" Pete Labozetta, and Flyin' Brian Gutan all politely decline but Mr. Satan said he will help him out. Matt is happy and gives Satan the jacket, who tells him that he has to change then heads to the stalls as we hear the toilet flush. Satan walks out and says that he changed. Dancin' Devin & Lil James are GITTIN FUN-KAY but WWF1987 and Bobby ambush them from behind!!!!! BY GAWD THEY STOPPED DA FUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby takes the boombox and smashes it on the ground then rings his cowbell proudly!!!!! Officials and jobbers break up the melee as Mar Solo is in the background hitting the eliptical machine with a pot of coffee in each hand, throwing it back as if it was water.
"Happening" Harry Broadhurst vs. Ziggaman730
Ziggaman is part of the GM's new "ask and you get a spot" initiative. Hope it goes well. Harry takes the mic and gives us two facts:
#17. Harry thinks Sting (The musician) sucks
#18. Harry never turns down a bowl of french onion soup
Lots of facts here. The bell rings but there is a commotion in the crowd. They part as Parallax comes roaring through. He hops the guardrail and runs in the ring as Harry takes off like a prom dress as Ziggaman is left and gets dropped. Parallax with a curb stomp and another one before tossing Ziggaman to the floor. He then grabs the mic:
" I have two things to say. First, I will address Cultstatus. You see, he is not here tonight. The GM gave him the night off but with ratings down, its because he cannot afford all of the Top 5'ers to appear on the same show. And while only a Top 5'er in name only, Cultstatus, your quality is shit and your body of work would fit right in with Abeyance if he had a blog.
But last and the most important thing I have to say, the fact that I am not getting a title shot and this part-time has been who calls himself "The Fuj" is makes me sick. If the GM wants to book like it is 2012 then do that, the numbers reflect that, but I am the number one draw. I am the best. And its not the fact that I am straight edge that makes me better than you its everything about me that makes me better, more impressive and bigger than life and I am not talking about Meekin. You see, I have will power unlike the champ who is strung out on god knows what right now. And when I get the belt, I will get the belt, it will not leave my hands as I am better than everyone else in this damn place. (Parallax leaves then pulls Ziggaman off of the stretcher for another curb stomp"
And now, we catch up with Wade Michael Meltzer, Gosh Hopkins, and Nebb28
We are in Riverdale, with white picket fences and trees in the front lawn of every home. There all children playing street hockey and neighbors waving to each other.
Wade: Alright guys, lets do some investigating (He rings a doorbell and a middle-aged lady wearing an apron answers)
Lady: Why, hello! I was baking some cookies do you guys want some
Wade: Well, Tanahashi had four cookies before his matches at the G1 Tournament but I am here for work today, ma'am. Have you seen this person today? (Shows her a picture of Stackhouse)
Lady: (Looks in horror) Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (She screams and runs out of her house and down the street while flailing her arms.)
Wade: I had a similar reaction every time I watched the Junkyard Dog wrestle in WCW (followed by smarmy laugh)
The saga will continue next week.
The Fuj vs. Joe Dust
The Fuj is back and gets a title shot, even if Parallax is unhappy. The Fuj gets attacked from behind by Joe Dust as the match is underway. Joe Dust stomps a mudhole into BoD legend. He gets two with a snap suplex then works a chinlock. Joe breaks but misses a clothesline and gets booted down by the Fuj, who takes control of the match. Joe gets dropped with a forerarm smash as Fuj yanks Joe into the center of the ring and goes for his finisher the Fuji Vice (ankle lock) but Joe escapes outside. He regroups and heads back in as he locks up with the Fuj. Joe does not break cleanly then heads up top for a missile dropkick but Fuj blocks it then slaps on the Fuji Vice. Joe tries to escape but is going nowhere and decides to tap out. The Fuj grabs the mic and declares that he is back then leaves the ring. Folks, the Fuj is here and gunning for the BoD Title.
Backstage, the Job Mob arrive. Justice Gray approaches them and tells Jobber to meet with the GM then tells the others that they will be facing Steve Ferrari & Magoonie tonight. Zanatude says that they will defend the Six-Man Titles as Gray tells him that they do not exist. Zanatude tells him to stop being ridiculous then opens a case to reveal three shiny new belts. We have people creating their own championships.
Danimal Crossing is in the locker room as he reveals another clue about his new gimmick. He said that he knows of one thing and that there is nothing stereotypical about it, nothing at all.
Mack the Evil Trucker
Saul Gout, Evil Podiatrist
Landmonster is at the concession stands as she is participating in the corn dog eating contest. Correction, its just her 18th snack of the day.
And now, it's Welcome to the BoD with your host, Abeyance and his sidekick, thebraziliankid
Abeyance: Welcome to the BoD!
Crowd: Thank You!!!!!!
Abeyance: Your welcome. So braziliankid, how are you today?
Kid: I am good. I went to 2nd base with my girlfriend
Abeyance: Where is that?
Kid: I guess it was under her shirt
Abeyance: You people in Brazil play baseball funny
Kid: I guess
Abeyance: Well, our guest also has a girlfriend and he is going to face our friend for the BoD Writer's Championship. Here is "Marvelous" Matt Perri and his girlfriend, Miss Danielle.
Perri: Thank you for having me here. As Stranger is out tonight because he had an eye doctor appointment as he is getting fitted for contacts. Can you believe that is the Writer's Champion (Miss Danielle laughs). Maybe he can see the TV when he watches the baseball playoffs
Abeyance: Speaking of baseball, I saw that you have a girlfriend. Have you ever got to second base with her?
Kid: I guess it's under her shirt
Abeyance: Well now you ruined the surprise, LOL!!!!\
Kid: I'm sorry
Perri & Danielle: (Dumbfounded) What the.............................. (Dock Muraco interrupts)
Dock: (Points at Danielle) You cost me a **** star match. I was on my way to having one until you interfered.
Perri: Look at me, Puro. No one cares about star ratings, they care about stars (points at himself and his girl) so go back to watching the G1 and go climax about it afterwards. (Perri gets up to leave but Dock pulls him around.
Dock: Next week, there is a match as Andy PG and I will take on you and Tommy Hall and **** are guaranteed.
Hart Killer 09 is in the ring and has the mic:
"There used to be three things that were certain: Death, Taxes, and the fact that Shawn Michaels invented the ladder match. But when I became the first ever BoD Solid B+ Player, I made sure to be the greatest Solid B+ Player of all-time. So, I have given a chance for someone to get carried by me in the ring so whoever has enough heart to answer my open challenge, let me tell you that it ends with you getting screwed.
No one comes out but all of a sudden we see a bevy of babes as Buck Nasty has made his return to BoD RAW!!!!!!
Buck Nasty w/ The Skank Patrol vs. Hart Killer 09
Buck hits a running knee strike at a charging Hart. Buck does a shimmy then drops a fist. Buck takes Hart out with a dropkick then flies out with a somersault plancha as the Skank Patrol dance in approval. Back inside, Buck covers for two then grabs a headlock. Hart Killer counters with a back suplex then softens up the leg. Buck fights back but gets kicked down as Hart goes back to the leg again. The Skank Patrol rally behind Buck as he fights out. Buck slides underneath Hart and comes back with an enziguiri as both men are down. Buck is up first and he slugs away but gets kneed on a charge in the corner and Hart puts his feet on the ropes as he rolls up Buck for the win. Hart celebrates then grabs the mic and talks about how it is a "Sunny Day." Buck looks down but the Skank Patrol comfort him and they all leave to go to Chang O'Reilly's. Yeah.
Jobber is backstage with the GM as they appear to be wrapping up their conversation. The GM tells Jobber that is a reasonable request and easy to accommodate as he can make Nick Piers pay for his own medical bills. They both laugh then Jobber tells the GM he has company as he leaves to head back to his suite. Parallax walks by and stares down the GM. Bayless tells Parallax that he heard his speech out there and admires him for that. He then tells Parallax that he was not his fault that he did not get a title shot at BoD SummerSlam, it was Jef Vinson's as he cashed in his MoTB Briefcase. The GM ensures Parallax that he had every intention of putting him the title picture and did not expect him to lose the #1 Contender's match. He then tells Parallax that he has to go and that he should enjoy his Top #5 amenities, such as the premium cable package in the Top 5 Lounge, and that they will continue this conversation next week when the GM invites Parallax into the ring so he can let him air out his grievances. Parallax stares down the GM as he walks away. The GM sort of blew off the Top 5'er there but in fairness, he was busy.
Zanatude & Big Dirty Murph & Stuart Chartock vs. Steve Ferrari & Magoonie
Zanatude has all three of his self-proclaimed six-man championship belts with him as he heads to the ring. The Job Mob all appear a little hungover but what else is new. Ferrari and Magoonie attack the Mob and hammer away. The action spills outside as they brawl around the ring. Murph shatters a Labatt Blue bottle and tries to jig up Magoonie but that fails when Ferrari decks him with a clothesline. Zanatude takes two of his own title belts and uses them to hit Ferrari with a bell clap. The former top dog and current Jobber man crush, Stuart Chartock, attacks Magoonie from behind and OH MY GOD, its the Upper Midcard Express!!! They join in and attack the midcarders as it is a 5-2 attack. JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER ITS LANDMONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!! She slowly, and I mean slowly waddles down the ramp as Magoonie and Ferrari are stacked up on a table. If she puts them through a table the Midcard Mafia will be finished forever! Magoonie and Ferrari are bloodied but Kyle Warne, Adam Curry, and Cabspaintedyellow run out for the save as it is a 5 on 5 brawl!!!!! Landmonster stopped for another break then pulls out some Skittles and eats those before leaving. These guys are going all over the arena leaving a trail of destruction behind them. These guys are going non-stop as just about everyone appears to be busted open. Finally, they slow down as White Coat Security run out for the save.
Backstage, Gray tells Bayless that the "reserves" are untouched. Bayless says that means Hoss is out there somewhere and we need to find him.
We are now in the middle of the ring as the crew are preparing for the contract signing between Bayless and Jef Vinson.
The ring is set up and Bayless welcomes out Vinson, who walks out calmly. Bayless alerts Vinson that his days of cheap wins are over but unfortunately his days of cheap whore valets are never going to end. He then tells Vinson to sign the contract as he does without even looking. Bayless laughs as he tells Vinson that he just signed his career away. (Bayless puts a liquid on the paper and rubs it) You see this, you just signed a contract that read if you lose, you will never get a shot at the title ever again. You are finished, Jef Vinson. Just like Chingy's rap career, your BoD career will be going "Right thur" as he points at a trashcan. Bayless laughs way too hard at is mildly clever reference as Jef grabs the mic. He tells the GM that he does not plan on losing anyway so it doesnt matter what stipulation he adds. Jef then said that he has something else for him as he drags this out a bit as someone appears to be sneaking into the ring from behind. Jef tells the GM to turn around and its................................................................................................................................................... Vinson's valet! Bayless turns and his frightened as the valet kicks him in the nuts!!!! The crowd loves this as the valet stomps on the GM's groin area. White Coat Security and the Administration rush the ring but Vinson carries his valet and hops the guardrail through the crowd as they go insane. The GM just got embarrassed by his enemy as we are out of time!!!!!!!!!!!
*PrimeTimeTen stands at the BoD Raw promo set.*
ReplyDelete"NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM."
*Drops mic.*
And STILL one third of YOUR six man tag team champions of the WOOOOOOOORLD...
ReplyDeleteThe Biff has arrived. Ratings are rising on the Longest-Running Consistently Not Shitty Sports Entertainment Style Episodic Wrestling Fiction Program Show Thing.
ReplyDeleteI sense I'm going to be feuding with Lax eventually, and what about my title shot Bayless?
ReplyDeleteNo Jones No Buys
ReplyDeleteJeez, a job at the PPV and then two RAWs without an appearance. Whose dick do you gotta HUSS to get a push around here?
ReplyDeleteThe HUSS section is getting rowdy
ReplyDeletePartake in the "ask and you get a spot" initiative program
ReplyDeleteWE WANT HUSS! WE WANT HUSS! WE WANT HUSS!
ReplyDeleteEven in a random backstage segment, I bring the goods.
ReplyDeleteCOFFEE!
(We are outside the home from earlier. Night has fallen and fireflies dance in the sky. The white picket fence lies in ruins, pieces of it stained with blood; the camera pans over the unconscious bodies of Metzler, Hopkins, and Nebb. Pan up to see Archie and the Riverdale Covenant standing with their arms crossed.)
ReplyDelete"Do you know what the definition of insanity is, GM Bayless? Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.
And yet..... (Archie waves his arms in the direction of the unconscious bodies.)
Obviously, I've been delayed this week in my return to the BOD; hopefully, they've....learned."
(Archie waves at the front window; we see the open curtain quickly jerk shut.)
"Poor Miss Chancery; she lost her husband so recently. I worry about her being alone at night, especially after dear Jake was lost.
He should have been more careful when speaking about Uncle Caliber that way.
Now then, where was I? Ah, yes.
GM Bayless, you don't need to look for me anymore. I've grown tired of your sycophants and your charlatans. I've grown weary of trying to educate those who will never be worthy of citizenship in the glorious town of Riverdale, especially when so many would sacrifice everything to be a part of the world I am creating here.
Next week, I WILL return to BOD Raw, GM Bayless; I will swear in the newest citizen of Riverdale and make him a gift of his heart's fondest desire, the pet rock. Anyone who wishes to join me can be a part of the swearing-in ceremony and pledge their allegiance to Riverdale and Archie Stackhouse; all others will be considered....enemies of the state.
Until then, don't sully the wonder that is Riverdale with this trash. Covenant? Clean up the front lawn, won't you?"
(As the Covenant picks up the unconscious bodies, a police car comes pulling up the curb. The chief gets out and speaks)
"Hey now, fellas! Come on there, can't be doing that type of thing, those boys could be really injured now. What happ--Archie!?"
(Archie strolls over, twirling Jughead. The chief keeps his eyes on it at all time.)
"Constable Russell! It's been so long. I remember you from my days with Uncle Caliber! Tell me, how are your wife and children? Mildred, Peter, and Christine, if I'm not mistaken?
(The chief swallows hard.)
"They're.....good, Archie. Just....good."
(Archie laughs.)
"That's wonderful! Children are the future of Riverdale, after all. Now then, I'm sure you have some questions, but since we know each other so well, I'm confident you'll let me handle this? After all, I'm sure you need to get home to make sure that the children are....(Archie narrows his eyes)....tucked in."
(The chief nods slowly, turns, and RUNS back to his car. The patrol car speeds away with a screech. Archie turns towards the camera.)
"Next week, BOD. The newest citizen of Riverdale is revealed. In the meantime, sadly, it's clear that me and Covenant have to take care of a few things, so we'll see you then.
But since the BOD now has seen a glimpse of my paradise this week, it seems as though you should be formally introduced to our community, so....
(Archie grabs Nebb! He RAKES Jughead over his forehead! Blood spurts everywhere, covering the camera! As the blood washes over the lens, we hear Archie.)
"Welcome to Hell. Welcome.....to Riverdale."
Alright, match of the night and segment of the night time
ReplyDelete(Dock Muraco is headed to the exits when he meets Andy PG, who happens to be arriving.)
ReplyDelete"Hey, Dock. Yeah, I got dragged into a syndication match. They got me facing Vince Jordan. No big deal. Shouldn't take long. But look... I heard you wanted me to be in town early next week?"
"You heard me. You and me are taking on Matthew Perri and Tommy Hall. Let's go 20 and get a real match of the night out of it."
"Well, that would be nice, and I'm certainly not going to argue with someone who wants to steal the show... but I gotta warn you, Dock. Tommy and I have a little issue on the side. So when push comes to shove, I'm not going to be going for some technical masterpiece on purpose. If I get in there with Tommy Hall and it's just him and me... it will be ugly. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I want to soften him up. I want to make him hurt. And then, when Hell in a Cell comes around, I will take his money and leave him in a ball of regret. How's that?"
"Hey -- big brawls can go for big stars too. You know that."
"Yeah, quote me the chapter and verse on the ride home as we talk strategy. In the meantime, just remember: if you lose this match because you're too busy going for a masterpiece, I'm not gonna be happy. So let's just focus on winning first. The rest will come together."
"That's a plan I can give a thumbs up to."
(they shake hands)
The return of Kyle Warne and the big 10-man brawl. If that's not a Survivor Series match, you've failed.
ReplyDeleteThe six man titles elevate everyone.
ReplyDeleteI picture Archie as our own Bray, but with actual motivation.
ReplyDelete*In the top 5 lounge I'm sitting here trying to cut an interview but my valet is behind me complaining. I grab the mic*
ReplyDeleteBAYLESS! In the process of stomping your baby nuts into peanut butter you scuffed my valet's shoes!! They are worth more that 5 generations of the Bayless family COMBINED. Now I have to hear this sh*BEEP* ..hold on...
Baby, daddy is working here. *gives her my black card* go order another pair.
*ahem*
The time is near at hand, Bayless. Time to meet me in the valley of Megiddo for one...final..battle. The one that ends everything. Before I start the countdown of the final days of your miserable life I want to make an admission, I never took you seriously. In fact I thought you were a fuc*BEEP* joke.
You see your folly has amused me. i looked at you like a jester. But like I was taught even a fool wants to be treated seriously from time to time. And not only did you make me take you seriously, you've done far worse.
You've made me consider you a threat.
The emotion that I'm going through is unreal right now. I'm almost shaking. This must be the thrill Superman gets when he battles a foe that can actually hurt him. The thought of someone that can come close matching my sadistic streak...is so...
*sighs*
Winning does not matter to me. I'm a winner regardless. I succeed at everything I do. But I need the rush of the challenge, and you've brought that.
*Stands up, valet notices I'm irritated and runs to get my medication*
I want to thank you Bayless. I want to thank you for making me dig down deep and get to that part of me that the psychiatrists tried to suppress. The part of me I haven't seen since I used to kill my neighbors cats and blame it on the rottweiler. Thank you, for releasing my pain..my hate and giving it a name..
it's name is Bayless.
When I run your face across that cold, hard steel in an attempt to make julienne fries with your skin bear this in mind: As your bloody flesh peels and flakes away from your face and drops to the mat, know that you're special. You've done what very few people have done gotten on my fucking nerves. Congratulations. I'll be sure to say nice things at your funeral. Yes...YES...when I look at that framed picture of you next to that closed casket I will say the biggest compliment I can think of. "He was a threat to me, and and that's why I had to kill him."
*Valet runs over to me* "Vous êtes très bien mon amour ?"
*Pulls her to me and kisses her. * No...Daddy doesn't need his meds right now. he need something else.
*Grabs her ass then points to the cameraman*
GET the FU*BEEP* OUT...
NOW.
*The scene: outside the optometrist office in the waiting room. Stranger is seated there, listening to the beautiful hymns being sung from the other side of the door. Stranger sees the camera:*
ReplyDeleteOh, hello. It's me, your BoD Writer's Champion. Turns out that the contacts I'm in need of are not covered under the BoD Universal Health Care Program. I'm going to be out something like $3400. That just upsets me, because I had those glasses for very long time, and to have some PUNK like Matt Perri destroy them just makes me want to cut my own switch and whoop him Mama Stranger style. The nickel & dime drag queen he calls a girlfriend better "step off" as the kids say.
*(Kumbaya can be heard from the inside)*
I love that song. My optometrist is a real nice guy. I'm planning my comeuppance for Mr. Perri with Doc's help. He's been a real good friend as well as a real good eye doctor. I think maybe we should go inside and see how things are going. Come on, follow me.
*Stranger opens the door to the office, and we see the patient sitting in the chair with the phoropter hooked up to their eyes. Now, Michael Row Your Boat can be heard from the doctor's stereo. Stranger walks up to the doctor and shakes his hand.*
Meet Abraham Peekum, D.O. Your extremely babyface eye doctor.
Dr. Peekum: Hello, BoD Universe. Stranger has asked for my help against Matt Perri & Danielle. I'm hoping that we can come to a peaceful agreement on this issue. I wouldn't want to have to resort to some kind of blinding violence. *turns to the patient* All right, Glenn. Time for a pain-free retina scan....ON THE HOUSE!!
Glenn, the Patient: YAY!!
[Zanatude stands in front of a wall, wearing a pair of wraparound sunglasses, a six man championship around his waist, another one draped over his left shoulder, and another one draped over his shoulder.]
ReplyDeleteZ: Yet again, Team Zanatude successfully defends the BoD Six Man Championships in the main event of RAW! And it doesn't matter if it's against one guy, two guys, or even THREE guys at a time, Team Zanatude will defend these titles anytime, anywhere!
It's the Shark Ethic around here, you godless savages. Eat the wounded. Coming at the Job Mob as a bunch of jackbooted thugs is a surefire way to land your head on a pike and put in the town square where Rotarians from Des Moines can pay to take a picture for the Halloween card. Now we distinguished gentlemen in the Job Mob will be lining all you grievous swine and giving you the full Savage Henry. As my first offering, i think i'll sink my fangs into that constipated hipster, Cabspaintedyellow. He once queered a skag deal i had going on the AV Club comments with Dikachu, and nextt week i'll carve it out of his hide. Sic Semper, vermin.
ReplyDeleteMr. Satan has tasked me!
ReplyDeleteWait, when the BoD get six-man titles?
ReplyDelete... they're not sanctioned.
ReplyDeleteRock Star Gary stuck playing video games in the locker room again? (grabs bookerman's pencil)
ReplyDeleteI am quite used to my only PPV schedule. Always have Mondays off.
ReplyDeleteI want to proclaim myself the BOD One-Man Tag Team Title holder!!
ReplyDeleteDoesn't matter. It gives me something to do when I'm pretending to work.
ReplyDeleteWe definitely have six man title belts
ReplyDelete*Wondering how you tag yourself in and out.*
ReplyDeleteSelf High Five.
ReplyDeleteSo he had title defenses against Barry Horrowitz and DDP?
ReplyDeletesame way I do it now, with my left hand.
ReplyDeleteSo happy just to get a chance to swap sweat with the boys! (no homo) ps when i constructed the ring last night i made the ropes extremely loose like in random episodes of prime time in 84.
ReplyDeleteIt's only a matter of time before Biff Kensington "earns" himself a belt.
ReplyDeleteSQUASH!!!!!
ReplyDelete:: Curbstomp ::
ReplyDeleteThe One Man Team!
ReplyDelete[OUTSIDE A VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT AFTER LAST NIGHT'S RAW. BISCUIT EXITS THE RESTAURANT, BUTCHERING "cảm ơn bạn" AS HE EXITS WITH SOME PHO AND BANH MI]
ReplyDeleteOh, hello. Just like Japanese food is totally 80s, so is Japanese wrestling. I'm into Vietnamese wrestling now; you haven't lived until you've seen Tiger Tran and King Kong Nguyen in Ho Chi Minh City. I took a summer from undergrads to go to Asia and watch some real Asian wrestling.
Tonight was a pretty good night for me, but a bad night for Night, if you catch my meaning. It's good to get back on the winning track after DBSM's tainted C-List title win at Night of Champions. What does confuse me is that he seems to *want* a match with me considering his apparent attempt to distract a very game Night81. Of course Night is too crafty a veteran for such acts and I can say with pride that I won through skill, guile and heart.
I clearly don't need help, Mr. Montgomery. I understand that your newly-won title and the circumstances surrounding your win have made you a confident champion. You're a great wrestler, there's no doubt about that. I just don't know if you can always defend your title in four-way matches where chaos reigns over true wrestling ability. I'll have my one-on-one chance, and I'll cash in on that opportunity. You can't hide forever. Biscuit's coming.