Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 3 - "Roadside Rumble"

In our last episode, "Mo' Marriage, Mo' Problems", we saw what happened when some of our Divas were pushed to their personal limits.

• Told she would no longer be in The Funkadactyls as a tag team wrestler, and would instead be Naomi's valet, Cameron decided to return to NXT to gather more skills and come back stronger. She made rational arguments, she cried, and even though it might mean losing Naomi as a friend and tag team partner forever, she's going for it.
• Nikki was forced to tell John Cena she was freezing her eggs (when he found her syringes). His first guess was that she was using illegal drugs, which says a lot about he sees her. She told him she would stop the procedure if he wanted her to, he passive aggressively said he didn't but made jokes about her the procedure all week, and then after spending time with her cute nieces and nephews (to fully drive home the point with viewers), she decided to do the procedure even though she will have to give up wrestling, alcohol and sex for that time. Really, I don't know which of the three will be harder for her to give up.
• Brie and Daniel Bryan argued about their new house. Basically they bought a house they liked and wanted to turn it into one they loved by changing everything about it practically. They both wanted many things added, but different and expensive things. Brie pouted, and went table shopping without him, but when she was forced to confront the fact that due to his neck injury and surgery he would be out of wrestling for a while and might lose the Championship Title, she decided to compromise about things for and in the house (ironically advice given to her by Nikki who probably had to Google the word to give this advice).

This episode is billed as showing "why coworkers shouldn't carpool". Considering Matt and I have both been in carpools together, at one point in the same one with someone else -- and our mutual experiences have shown they can be out of control -- we both can't wait to see what happens with the Divas carpooling together. Limits will be reached for sure on this episode!

CHICAGO, IL

WWE Payback 2014 - Ringside
Stephanie's music plays and she comes out and invites Daniel Bryan to return. He has the belts, but is wearing a neck brace over his Cesar Chavez-inspired YES shirt. Brie joins him and tells the camera that the best thing about the show is that they can incorporate some of their real lives in, like his surgery. It's the whole bit where Steph asks Bryan to surrender the title or Brie gets canned. As if The Authority couldn't just strip him of them? (MATT: Yeah, I think we all said the same.) Brie says she can't be fired because she quits and then slaps Stephanie. Initially, when I saw this episode, I thought that Brie would announce she was preggers. Apparently, this didn't happen.

Backstage 
Brie (who is there with Bryan) tells Nikki that, with her absence, she will have the time to nurse Daniel Bryan back to help. (MATT: There's a lot of talk about the Bellas "nursing" their guys. We never see this happening. I feel profoundly ripped off.) Guess they spent so much on his solar panels, they can't afford a real nurse. (MATT: Hi-yoooo!) She admits, to the camera, that she quit on camera to as part of the storyline to help him in real life. Nikki tells them that the rumors are that she's pregnant and that's why she's taking time off. Bryan says he's "trying to get it done". Brie says they're having fun "trying". Yes, because the best time to start a family is when you have one breadwinner out with a disability on a job that probably doesn't even give disability benefits and the other just quit their job. (MATT: If Brie was preggers, wouldn't she tell Nikki before she had to ask?) 

Total Divas Titles.

PHOENIX, AZ

Noca (Restaurant)
"This place is cute," Brie says as they (MATT: ...plug...) enter "Noca". Brie, Bryan, Kathy (Brie's mom), JJ and Lauren are getting together to have dinner. Brie is wearing a white seedbead headband, something, I guess she supposes makes her look like a bride. (MATT: But makes her look Yuppie-Hippy instead.) Kathy gives Bryan a copy of the book, "Walk Away Wealthy". He agrees the plan is to leave the business wealthy. The cameras flash to two days ago where they agreed they have no backup plan. In fact, Bryan says he doesn't have any skills. I disagree. He can rally the crowd like few wrestlers can do. (MATT: Let me just put "Excels at rallying crowds" on my resume and see how far that gets me...) When his career ends, he has the charisma to do something with motivating people either in large groups or one on one. Kathy suggests they come into JBN (Kathy's recruiting firm) the next day and find what they are passionate about. Brie asks if they have to dress up. Kathy says they should dress to make an impression. Bryan jokes he should go in tie dye but "people might hit me up for drugs." (MATT: Ok, forgiving the fact that they've been out of wrestling for all of two minutes and they're considering temp work that wouldn't pay a credit card bill, Nikki and Brie dress fancy to get a Slurpee at 7-11 and she's asking if she needs to dress fancy for a job interview?)

GREENSBOROUGH, WI

Friday Night Smackdown - Ringside
Adam Rose and the Exotic Express make an appearance and come out to his music. This is one wrestler and gimmick Matt and I don't agree on. (MATT: This.) Matt and I went to different colleges with vastly different party scenes (or lack thereof). I think the gimmick is hysterical, something in some ways not too far away from a frat party or two I attended. Matt thinks the whole lot of them need to grow up and the bunny especially needs to go. (MATT: I went to school in San Luis Obispo and saw my fair share of parties. Save for costume parties, I don't remember the students dancing around like idiots, looking like a costume shop threw up on them. This is WWE not having one clue about these things, imagining what they think a party would look like. On top of that, the character sucks. There's nothing to latch on to and there's no feud that would work to get him higher than a comedy wrestler.)

Ringside/Backstage (Alternating)
Backstage, Natalya, Eva Marie and Nikki arbitrarily stop in a small storage room to watch the match on a randomly-placed HD screen. (MATT: I can't tell you how many times I've wandered backstage and walked into a storage room so that I can watch stuff.)

Layla is shown, briefly, outside the ring and the show helpfully identifies her as Fandango's "New Valet". Fandango loses (MATT: LOL) as Adam Rose and the whole Exotic Express group celebrates...except for the somebody in a chicken costume.

(MATT: "Bawk, bawk, bawk...happy nightmares, kids!")

The chicken takes off her mask and, wouldn't you know it: it's Summer Rae. (MATT: The chicken suit was more attractive.) She declares (to the camera) that she's back. In the ring, she starts pummeling Layla.

Natalya doesn't look at all happy and tells the camera that Summer is a drama queen and they show us flashbacks from previous episodes where nobody likes Summer. Natalya compares Summer's presence to "having sand in your bikini". (MATT: Summer's like bikini sand, Rosa's like Hitler, watching Rosa is like cleaning a toilet...Nattie should have been a beat poet.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie's House
Brie and Bryan get dressed for their interview and we're asked to suspend our disbelief as they go Full Retard and pretend to not know anything about dressing up at all. Daniel Bryan pulls on socks that look like they belong to Ronald McDonald's gay cousin and Brie's especially nervous...

(MATT: Spoiler Alert - Brie's probably not getting a job.)

JBN & Associates, LLC
Bryan and Brie meet their adviser, Vanessa. He admits that he was dressed by Brie. (MATT: Excellent start to this interview.) Vanessa asks if they have resumes. They sit in stunned silence. She asks what skills they have. Bryan says he has his resume "on his brain" and says he's WWE Champion. Brie says she hates routine while Bryan says he isn't a people person. Then he brags that he has 1.4 million Twitter followers (MATT: Being the non-people person he is.) as well as the YES chant. Vanessa sits there, looking constipated. She asks Bryan if he seriously thinks he can feed a family with the YES chant. Brie tells the camera that this isn't going well and expresses disappointment that they couldn't just get a job and that they actually need to "dig down deep". (MATT: Repeating First Grade English might be a start.)

TAMPA, FL

Gym Workout
Nattie and (MATT: Hitler...) Rosa (MATT: Same thing.) are working out. The girls compare asses. Rosa tells the camera she feels more confident with Nattie taking her under her wing. Summer Rae shows up and hugs Rosa. She's been shooting "The Marine 4" with The Miz. Apparently, it's one of the largest WWE film franchises and a cash cow for the company. Nattie is not pleased to see Summer and says that she's surprised Summer didn't hook up with any of the hot actors. Nattie already shows fangs and tells Summer that Layla is "killing it" as Fandango's valet because "she's actually a dancer" and doesn't need to seduce somebody to get what she wants. Summer looks incredulous. Summer builds herself up and says she had fun. Rosa says the girls will be jealous of her because of the movie shoot. Nattie begs to differ and says that the Bellas did The Flintstones and AJ got to put her voice in the Scooby Doo animated film. Summer tries to rebut this but Nattie simply interrupts and says, "We're trying to work out."

Nattie excuses herself to lift her little 5 pound weights. Rosa and Nattie say good-bye -- but not before Rosa makes her feel her abs and boobs. (MATT: This is all well and good...but nobody's said "vagina" yet, so this episode doesn't feel "official"...) After she's gone, Rosa asks Nattie what that was about. Nattie says she can't stand Summer and she's trying to get to Nattie by getting close to Rosa. (MATT: Wait...Nattie doesn't care about Rosa either...this makes WWE booking look well-nuanced.) Rosa pretty much says that this is all in Nattie's head. Nattie says Rosa has no concept of what Summer is all about because Summer hasn't burned her yet.

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie's house
Byran is on Insider Monkey looking for the most profitable businesses to start but isn't sure he should trust a site called "Insider Monkey". He says they could be property owners and lease their buildings out to dentists. Brie says that they can't be dentists. Bryan has to explain the light bulb above his head: "We wouldn't be dentists...we'd have offices for the dentists."

(MATT: Brie's had enough of your shit, Bryan.)

Brie suggests having a bed and breakfast with a "green" focus and tells the camera that they've always wanted to retire in Flagstaff and do something like this. They're all in until Bryan finds out that a ten-acre lot costs about $3 million bucks. Bryan finds a house for nearly a million. She wants a business with good energy and sex. He suggest opening a B&B catering to swingers. Brie's not having that.

MEANWHILE, IN...

(MATT: Home of cable cars, MUNI, and the Golden Gate!)

Eva & John's car
Eva Marie, Bollywood Star, and her husband, Not John Cena, drive in her car.

(MATT: "Chamma Chamma...Chamma Chamma...Chamma Chamma...Baaje Reee...")

Eva asks if John likes her headpiece. Considering Brie was wearing one at one point, WWE must be doing some advertising. Either that or it's Arbitrary Headpiece Day on the show. Eva wants a stress-free day: no getting into the planning and no talk about the religion aspect of things. John says he'll just say they're discussing it. Eva's a bit hesitant about that. John says that they're not talking about it "Ad naseum". Eva: "OMG...stop using your big words." (MATT: All review, I've been resisting using my Stupid Nikki pic...I'm barely able to hold back that urge...)

PHOENIX, AZ

Abineau Lodge 
Bryan and Brie are checking out their next new potential career as B&B owners. They meet with Sharon Conte, a realtor, and Wendy White, the owner. They look at the different rooms and find out that each one is decorated just slightly different, with cute patchwork quilts and oak beds and paneling. (MATT: It falls somewhere between your parents' 60's cabin in Tahoe and a place where a serial killer would hide the bodies.) Their dog, Josie, is there because they want to see if Josie is comfy with the place. Brie's stoked with the place. Bryan loves it, too, but he says they'll go into debt if they have to take out a loan to pay for it.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN...

(MATT: Home of Castro Street, Alcatraz and your two-time World Champion San Francisco Giants!)

Eva Marie's Parent's House
Eva Marie is having a BBQ with her family and friends, which includes her bridesmaids. Though pushed to join in, john refused to be in their "Horseshoe Tournament" as he "doesn't want to beat them on their own turf". (MATT: Ah, Horseshoes. Beer Pong's macho hick predecessor.) Her brothers ask about the conversion thing. Eva tries to get them to drop the topic but they surround Jon like L.A. gang members and push it. Then Jon takes it from her parents. Her Dad says he was raised Catholic and raised his kids that way. He asks Eva that if it was up to her, would they have Catholic wedding. Eva she says she would. Jon says she's throwing him under the bus. He excuses himself maturely and walks away from the table and even the house.

When we come back from break, it's Big Trouble in Little Concord.

Eva follows Jon out to the street. He tells her to stay away from him for a few minutes because he just needs to decompress. He says he's being thrown under the bus because she won't stand up to her family. He tells her that he understands the passion she has to not disappoint her family but that he's also family now and that he deserves the same passion -- only more so. She says she feels so much pressure to not disappoint, especially as the only girl and with her Dad so sick. She wants the wedding to be the happiest day of everyone's life. He gets that...but he says the request to have him be somebody he's not is ridiculous. (MATT: Let's stretch this angle out over four more episodes. It really shouldn't be this hard to figure out.)

SAN DIEGO, CA

The Wood (Restaurant)
Nikki and Brie are dressed like a Nautica ad and they're having drinks. Because of Brie's out-of-the-blue invite and insistence on seeing her, Nikki asks if Brie is pregnant -- then realizes that Brie ordered a drink, so that can't be it.

(MATT: "I's so smart!")

Brie explains her "back-up plan". Nikki mocks Brie for failing the career assessment test to which Brie replies, "Yeah...bitch...anyway...". She proposes her B&B idea and explains the benefits: sustainable, good clientele, etc. She says that the only problem is financing this so that they can get started...so, what if she could borrow from her and John. Nikki's stunned. Brie continues to explain that they can manage about $50K but is asking Nikki and John for the rest: $100K. Nikki thinks Cena will let them have an interest-free loan, then says that Brie and Bryan could pay back $2K a month. Brie's all good with this...despite the fact that it isn't Nikki's money. Nikki explains that she doesn't wanna let her sister down and that she doesn't know if it's the Vodka that's making the hotel proposal sound good or if it's because this is two people living their dream -- but she wants in.

CONCORD, CA
(MATT: Home of Pier 39! The Embarcadero! Ghiradelli Squ--!)
(DANIELLE: They get it already! Fuck!)

Eva Marie's Parents' House
Eva starts baby-talking to her Dad. (MATT: *Shudder*...) She fights back tears, saying that she has to have her husband's back. She wants a Catholic wedding so as not to disappoint her Dad...but Jon won't convert. That's that. Eva's Dad says that it's their life and that's their decision and he'll support her even if it's not a Catholic wedding. Eva's Dad (MATT: ...suddenly channeling a wide-eyed, shouty Al Pacino for some reason...) declares that they'll be happy if his kids are happy.

(MATT: "Hoo-ah!")

They hug it out and you can't tell where Eva went because her hair is the same color as her Dad's shirt. (MATT: Which is either a weird metaphor for past incestual contact or a goofy coincidence.) Eva's happy and tells the camera that she's so happy that her Dad is happy. Eva Marie tells Jon that she is so in love with him. She says this whole ordeal has made them stronger.

SAN DIEGO, CA

The Promiscuous Fork (Restaurant)
Nikki (MATT: Suddenly dubbed "Nicole" because this part is real important...) and John are having lunch. Nikki drops the B&B thing on Cena, saying they're gonna do it. Cena's not thrilled about their plans, contending that it's a risk. She tells the camera that she thinks John will go for the loan idea as he has great business sense. She drops the loan idea on Cena. Nikki proposes that they could pay him back in 6 1/2 years at 2K a year. John does not look happy at all and just says, "No." Nikki looks shocked and says, "This didn't go as planned." (MATT: Oh, that crazy Nikki!) Cena asks Nikki if she's serious, saying that he would be coughing up $100K at a start-up business, owned by two people with no experience at running a B&B or any sort of similar establishment. He says he can't do something like that. He lost money on every friend and family member who borrowed money from him to start a business. He says he is sympathetic to Brie and Bryan's plight and that Nikki's intentions are good...but he can't take a risk like that. Cena says he'll even tell Brie why he can't do it and he'll do it nicely. Their food arrives and he says, "I like hamburgers...doesn't mean that I wanna open up a burger joint." (MATT: Yeah, just because he likes wrestling doesn't mean he can wrestle either.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Bryan's house
Bryan asks if Brie asked John for a loan. Brie denies doing so. Bryan says Cena just called about it. Brie smirks, giving away the game. Bryan tells Brie that this isn't funny and that Brie shouldn't have even asked him for the money. He says they're married and every decision they make is one that is made together, with communication. Bryan says this makes him look like crap and that he's unable to support his family. Brie says, "You're acting like this is serious." Bryan: "It IS!" Bryan's pissed and walks out of the room. Brie says he's being "rude". (MATT: The Bellas ain't never getting out of the "Annoying Divas" realm, are they?)

MINNEAPOLIS, MN

Backstage at the Target Center - Monday Night RAW
Rosa invited Summer to ride with her and Natalya. (MATT: Because plot contrivance.) As both Rosa and Natty each paid half of the rental car, Rosa figured she's entitled to invite others to ride. (MATT: Flashback here shows Summer complaining to Rosa that when she drives, the "drive is really long". I couldn't make this up if I were pounding 12 beers a minute.) Summer offers to drive and Nattie denies that request. Nattie says that if she knew Summer was coming, she would have gotten a bigger car. (MATT: Not letting us down in the Hyperbole department, Nattie says that inviting Summer to ride in the same car is like "Allowing somebody to bring a deadly rattlesnake to ride along.")

When we come back from break, it's night time in the car. Everyone's quiet. Suddenly, Natalya feels the need to start talking about their recent live events and complains about having a cold. Nattie mentions that she can't smell things or taste food because of a nasal issue she has. Summer tries to ask if it's a condition she's had for a while. Nattie says it isn't. Summer tells the camera that Nattie is blaming her nose issues on her because of last season, when she slapped Nattie in the face and hit her nose. Summer finally asks if it's because of the slap. Nattie says she heard rumors that Summer says she's been faking the issues with her nose. Summer denies this and Nattie talks over her. Rosa tries to be the peacemaker to no avail. The two exchange insults. Summer's a stripper, Nattie's a drama queen, etc. Finally, Summer fires the first big missile and asks if Nattie treats TJ this way and, maybe, that's why they have issues. Nattie's had it. She yanks the car to the side of the road and pulls Summer's bags out of the car. The two argue even more. Nattie calls her "a piece of crap" with "no responsibility". Summer says that Nattie is crazy. Nattie returns fire, calling Summer "fake". Summer says, "ME?! Every hair on my head is REAL, honey. You're the one with the mullet."

That's all she wrote. Nattie tests Summer's hair cliam and pulls Summer out of the car, grabbing a bunch of it. Summer screams and tells Nattie to get off of her. Rosa gets between the women and tells Nattie to knock off the violent stuff. Summer says Nattie is crazy...

(MATT: ...and Rosa's reaping the benefits...)

Natalya takes her luggage out and starts walking. Summer says she will call the police and starts to do so. Rosa begs Nattie to return to the car. Summer continues to shoot her mouth off and Nattie attacks Summer again, then tells Summer that her legs "have cellulite". Rosa tells them both that she got out of rehab and is trying to be stress-free and that this isn't helping. Rosa says that she will drive and nobody will talk and that will be that. All the girls reluctantly agree.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN

Backstage at the Bankers Life Fieldhouse - Monday Night RAW
Nattie needs to talk to Rosa. Nattie says that what happened in the car was not necessary. Nattie says that nobody has Rosa's back more than she does. Rosa apologizes and says that she "didn't know" that the two women would be like that. (MATT: A whole season, Nattie's stories about Summer, Summer's whining about Nattie, the slap...nah, Rosa didn't know of any danger.) Nattie says that Summer's words hurt. Rosa says it won't happen again after saying she didn't like what she saw in Summer. The two hug it out. (MATT: And a new, sneaky alliance is born.)

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Wizard World ComicCon
The Bellas do a photo shoot and say hello to a bunch of four year old girls who look at the Bellas in awe. Nikki and Brie say hi to them as they pass by. (MATT: Work hard, kids, and you could have a plastic body to make up for a horrifying lack of talent, too.) A security guard escorts them and asks how Bryan is. Brie says his neck is doing all right. Brie claims that Nikki is stressing Bryan out. Nikki smirks and says, "Yeah - I don't give out handouts." Nikki says that Brie needs a Marriage 101 instruction book. The twins argue at the booth as they sign autographs. Nikki says that Brie has to share things with Bryan and not keep things with him. Nikki says that Brie should get a staging license and come work with her in real estate. Brie balks, saying that Nikki would be her boss. Nikki tells her that Brie needs to make money and that's the key.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ

Brie and Bryan's house
Bryan comes home and Brie apologizes to him for going behind his back. He says her heart was in the right place, but they need to talk about big decisions. Bryan says that they need to make an agreement about money -- anything over $100 dollars needs to be agreed on. Brie's not quite happy, but agrees.

DANIELLE
 
THIS WEEK'S HUG GOES TO...BRIE: Though it was crazy to think John would lend them money, she really is looking out for their future. A bed and breakfast sounds like a fun idea and, while it would be more work than she can imagine, her idea of having one that was green and would support Daniel's ideas was beautiful.

THIS WEEK'S PUNCH GOES TO...SUMMER: She went crazy, egging Natalya on, basically was spoiling for the fight that could have been more intense.

MATT

THIS WEEK'S HUG GOES TO...ROSA: The "hug" category really comes down to the lesser of the Honey Bunches of Evil that roam this show like angry demons on Speed. Rosa seems happier and more sane. Except, of course, for when she put two idiots in a car together.

THIS WEEK'S ANNOYING DIVA IS...ALL THE OTHER DIVAS: What else is new? Brie asks for a loan. Nikki practically promises her one, then Cena denies the request. Brie acts like an ass to Danielson when he finds out, then lashes out at Nikki who deflects blame (even though she was part of it) and they continue to be the same materialistic morons they play on TV. Meanwhile, Nattie's fucking annoying, starts a meaningless fight and Summer bites, and all hell breaks loose. This is the kinda stuff we wait to see on reality TV. It's also shit I actively try to avoid because it's such a pathetic attempt at getting ratings.

Er, that's it.