Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 8 - "Cross Country Catastrophe"

Last week, E! made life interesting and miserable for Matt and I by airing two episodes, back to back. This week, they learned from their experience -- and did it again because fuck us.

Last week's episode, ("The Double Cross"), the Divas had some more unreasonable actions of their own including:

• Rosa lamented how she hadn't had a boyfriend or sex in a year. She met former football player Gary Barnbridge, and scores two dates, both of which were pretty disasterous. From discussing diets on date one, to using date two to explain that a man had to treat her like a queen, while she would withhold sex till they were official and in love, he ended up calling it a night and ending it. Summer Rae scored a date with him because, hey, there's a man shortage, haven't you heard?

• John Cena and Nikki are both involved with movie projects. The Bella Twins had roles playing vapid twins, which is a real stretch, I know. We saw the couple at the premiere -- complete with many empty seats. John, who was in the middle of filming his movie, hadn't told Nikki that he had to perform a sex scene and, when he finally caved and told her (after aggressively asking if she'd do one), Nikki loses it. Her beef was essentially this: Cena's cheating on her by doing the scene and he'd have to pick the role or pick her. (MATT: Despite the fact that she made out with Daniel Bryan while they were dating -- but forget about that.) Somehow, he talked her into realizing it wasn't that bad of a thing to have in his movie especially as you only see his bare butt, and another relationship continues long past when it should end.

• Nattie stayed in New York a day longer than needed for work and told her husband it was to shop. However, she spent time with fellow wrestler Darren Young which the paparazzi called a date. When they asked how TJ was, Nattie joked that they "weren't divorced yet". TJ was understandably outraged that Nattie could have made a joke about that and confronted her, with Nattie ending up in the bedroom, upset over another fight.

Will Matt and I get upset and end up in a fight over this episode? Let's find out!

WWE Backstage
Nattie is telling the twins that her tire blew out on the way to their last show. (MATT: 20 seconds in, Nattie's already suffered for all our sins. That's gotta be a record.) Brie one-ups Nattie because she hasn't suffered enough: Brie and Bryan were robbed. The robbers were home when they got home. Brie called 911, Bryan chased the robbers, caught one and put him in a choke hold. (MATT: All true. Kinda like David Copperfield's "slight of hand" when a thief thought he was stealing his wallet.) Wait, he's so injured he can't hang a 5 lb photo, but he can take down a robber with a choke hold? (MATT: GOOGLE DOESN'T LIE! ALL THOSE RKO-OUT-OF-NOWHERE VIDEOS ARE REAL, TOO!!!) Nikki tops off this Dick Sundae, saying they robbed the wrong house because "the only diamond they own is on Brie's finger". (MATT: And Nikki is already on the Annoying Diva List...)

Titles.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ

Daniel and Brie's House
Brie gets a call from WWE Talent Relations guy, Mark Carrano. They're both invited to the Teen Choice Awards. (MATT: The Easy Bake Oven of award shows, though slightly better than the MTV Movie Awards...which isn't saying much.) She's thrilled as she usually goes with Nikki. The fact that she's been invited with her husband makes it extra special. She wants him to high-five her for the fact they have to shop for something and he refuses. Brie tells the camera that "everyone wants to see what you wear on the Red Carpet. (MATT: No...no...that's the Oscars. People wear jeans and t-shirts for this show...but, then, this is a woman who thought a seal was a fish, so...) He says neither of them needs a new outfit for this as they have plenty of clothes. No fashion designer would lend Brie and outfit for the publicity? He looks through her closet and points out things she could wear and she rebukes them all, as she's "worn them before". She says he buys too many things on Amazon. "Like books". (MATT: And she needs to buy more shit from Amazon. Like books.)

ORLANDO, FL

Eva Marie and Jon's Apartment
Jon is complaining that he's had to move multiple times for her. She asks if he's excited that Cameron and Vincent will be doing a couple's trip with them as part of the move process. Given the title of this episode, it's clear things will not go well. Eva wants him to fix her shoes, he asks if he looks like a cobbler, a term she has never heard of. (MATT: Not even cobblers use the term, "cobbler". Eva Marie is forgiven, k? Cuz she's hot.)

TAMPA, FL

Boing Jump Center
Rosa meets Chad, her "date to take her mind of Gary". (MATT: Take her mind off him? They went on two short dates and talked about food the entire time.) Gary isn't texting her back (since he's seeing Summer, as you might recall). He's a model and she met him online. This won't go well. (MATT: Yes, let the cynicism flow through you...) They're at a trampoline gym, which looks like a lot of of fun. He reveals he's 23 and she says he's so mature, to which he replies, "I took you to a trampoline bounce house." Chad reveals he's a Christian and she says she's one, too. (MATT: Acquiesce Theater right here.) She says she never dated one before as her appearance tends not to be the type to attract fellow Christians. She says that "sharing your body with somebody that doesn't have God in them [isn't right]." (MATT: Like that's stopped her before.) She feels sparks -- but, due to his beliefs, he's waiting for marriage to have sex. She tells him she loves that, but she tells the camera she can't wait that long. (MATT: All the Atheists breathe a sigh of relief.)

ORLANDO, FL

Eva's car
Eva and Cameron go to pick up their trailer. Eva states that she has never driven one before and hopes she doesn't hit anything. Cameron rides on the hitch and in the pickup part but finally gets in the truck. Finally Eva Marie puts the trailer over the sidewalk, parks it over the curb, thenhits a tree with her truck. Eva and Cameron laugh, hysterically. Cameron checks out the damage, actually working in her dumb catchphrase, "Girl, bye" when she does it. (MATT: "The potential for vehicular manslaughter is sooooo funny!") Cameron says she's worries about getting on the highway.

TAMPA, FL

117 South Restaurant
The twins are celebrating their mom, Kathy's birthday with her and JJ. It is her 50th birthday and, while she did not get her mom a gift, (lame) she decides she will pick up the check for all of them. (Considering Rosa's apparent fetish for hitting on women who are having their birthdays, I'm half surprised Rosa didn't pop out of a cake when dessert came). (MATT: The scene is young.) As they are walking out of the restaurant, Brie gets a call from Daniel who received an alert that she spent $400 at dinner using their joint bank account. (MATT: Wait, wait, wait...what happened with Rosa and the birthday cake?) Brie says she doesn't know if "bank texts are real". (MATT: Doesn't know? How could she not know?) Brie is outraged. Daniel says taking her Mom out for a birthday is fine but $400 bucks is too much to spend. He reminds her they agreed to talk about those kinds of things first. Nikki calls for her to get in the car. She's driving. And she's slurring, drunkenly. (MATT: Yup, she's racking up the Annoying Diva charges.)

CLEVELAND, OH for Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Stephanie McMahon comes to talk to the Divas along with the company's charity representative. Steph mentions October being breast cancer month and that they will have the Divas represent Susan G. Komen. She tells them having a mammogram doesn't really hurt, it just flattens your boob like a pancake and they take a lot harder things in the ring. She doesn't really elaborate on what they will do for the charity, my guess is making some sort of mammogram commercials.

Ringside
Summer Rae is fighting a mixed tag team match with Adam Rose against Fandango and Layla. Michael Cole refreshes us on the then-storyline: Summer got dumped by Fandango via Twitter and JBL feels that is a fair use of the medium. Summer Rae tussles with Layla and then chases Layla out of the ring.

Backstage
Gary comes to see Summer. Summer tells the camera that while Rosa dated him first, they didn't seem to have chemistry and, if Rosa was really her friend, she'd understand if things worked out between the two of them. She finds out his seats are right near the Spanish Announce table. Rosa is stunned to see Gary is there. Rosa says on camera that she is so heated, her skin is boiling. (MATT: That's just "God inside you".) She pulls Summer aside to talk.

Rosa is furious. Summer had told her not to text Gary to let him be a man. Summer says it's not that bad as she's not dating him and he's not into her. (MATT: If what I'm watching is real, then the fact that everyone has to point out the blatantly obvious on this show just reinforces the notion that every single person on this show is a goddamn moron.) Rosa says she lied by not saying she was dating him. Rosa feels very betrayed by Summer, saying that it's supposed to be "chicks before dicks". Summer questions whether Rosa should even be dating at this stage. They exchange words and Rosa storms off after saying she wants to punch Summer in the face. (MATT: I don't want to but Rosa should probably get in line behind the thousands of women who'd like to.) Summer tells her, "That's not part of your program", obviously referencing Rosa's trip through AA.

Restaurant
Nattie is telling the Divas that a cat peed in the guest room. (MATT: If Nattie ends up with stigmata at the end of the show, I wouldn't shocked.) Brie complains about how "hard it is having combined bank accounts". Nikki says he's checking her spending. Brie says that Bryan won't let her get a new dress and wants her to wear something she "already wore". (MATT: Life is so hard for the Bellas.) Nattie says there's only so much you can do with a dress. Presumably WWE pays for their accommodations, if for no other reason then to know for sure what hotel they are in, not sure about rental cars, but they don't have different costumes for every event. How much could they possibly be spending on hair and makeup that presumably is done for them by WWE employees? Brie says it's not that she wants to spend money it's that she has to. (MATT: No...she wants to spend money on a dress. She doesn't have to spend it.)

ORLANDO, FL

Jon and Eva Marie's House
Vincent's flight got delayed, so it screwed up their schedule. Jon made color-coded itineraries for everyone. Cameron says she feels like she's at work. Eva Marie picks on the fact that he budgeted 5 minutes for a gas and bathroom break and asks if he will use a stopwatch as a joke. He says she didn't contribute to this (though she did pick up the U-Haul) (MATT: And crashed it, so I'd say that disqualifies her.). Cameron suggests they throw a few things down to the ground to have fun and so they do - dropping several boxes and even the mattress. (MATT: Wwwwwwhy...?) Surprisingly, nothing seems to break.

TAMPA, FL

Couture Boutique
The Bella Twins are shopping at a vintage boutique. They try on dresses: a gorgeous purple wrap dress for Nikki and Brie tries a yellow Dolce Gabanna dress with flowers, it's cute but I wouldn't wear it. Brie wants Nikki to buy it so Daniel won't know it's new. Nikki agrees to it. (MATT: If I asked my brother to spend thousands on something I didn't need, I'd get laughed at.)

ORLANDO, FL

Airport
Vincent finally makes it in. No one is happy to see the itineraries -- especially with the 6 AM start time each day. The boys sit in the front, the girls in back. Cameron is singing a cheerleader-like chant but, when Eva Marie asks if she was a cheerleader, she says no. I know she is thinking of a cheerleader at a school level, but as a Funkadactyl she certainly was one of sort.

Paquette's Tractors/Museum
They pull in to sight see. (MATT: Seriously, I have nothing.) This was on Jon's itineraries really? Everyone is having fun, (MATT: HOW?!) but Jon tries to get them to leave. Finally, he convinces them to leave. (MATT: Well, now...wasn't that worth 90 seconds of your time?)

ORLANDO, FL

The Grind (Coffee Shop)
The twins are getting drinks at a coffee shop. Brie gets a call from Daniel asking what The Grind is. Is he getting alerts for every cent she spends? He's asking why she spend $22 on coffee? (MATT: That goddamn drink better be mowing my lawn for $22 dollars.) Nikki says that Brie works hard for her money, so she should be able to spend it as she wants. (MATT: Says the healthy person living off Cena.) Nikki says such monitoring is only needed when someone is addicted to shopping and she is not. (MATT: $400 on dinner, thousands on a dress $22 on coffee -- and that's just what we have witnessed.) Brie tells the camera that she's fed up with her husband calling her about spending "a dollar" and says it makes her feel like her husband doesn't trust her. (MATT: "A dollar", which paid for all of the above?)

ON THE ROAD

U-Haul
They are not on a schedule and don't have a hotel room in the town they are in. Jon says they should go to Mobile, AL but every room is sold out via Cameron's phone. (MATT: ...aaaaand, it's a horror film, now.) Cameron calls a hotel that, of course, only has one room available. Cameron asks the camera how they're all gonna "fit in one bed". (MATT: I just became very interested...) The clerk will leave them directions in a lock box to their room. Jon says they will be out in the middle of nowhere and will probably get murdered. (MATT: ...aaaaaand...it's meta-horror?)

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant
Rosa tells the camera she is on the prowl for "the one". She sees her date, Nate, and tries to sneak up on him, but he isn't startled. He admires her watch and they laugh that they both have the wrong time on their watches. Rosa, who has obviously learned nothing from losing Gary, asks him what he is looking for, less than five minutes into the date. Nate says he's looking for fun, which in my guy-to-gal dictionary means "come join my harem if you can hang". (MATT: Then, she tells him that she's "horny". This is off to a great start.) After food arrives, she tells him she's sober, feels his muscles and feeds him. He says his turns offs are forward women, which means he should be asking for the check soon a'la Gary-style. Rosa complains to the camera she's giving him sex eyes and can't win. I don't think she knows what the hell she wants. (MATT: You can't say you're looking for "the one" and then practically hump the dude's leg during dinner. This is the kinda Jekyll/Hyde character bullshit I'm talking about with this show.)

ON THE ROAD

Alabama State Sign
Vincent says he feels sick, Eva and Vincent blame the gas station burritos he had as Jon wouldn't let them stop at a sit down place for food due to wanting to keep to a schedule.

The Shephard House
Our travelers come to their destination: a hotel that they facetiously call "The Haunted Mansion". (MATT: The Haunted Mansion is more hospitable.) They see rocking chairs on the porce and, immediately, denounce that as "creepy". The place is huge and their room has no shower (just a tub). There is only one bed. They joke the men will sleep on the outside and the women on the inside. They make jokes about murderers getting them while they sleep. (MATT: IT'S A VICTORIAN-STYLE BED & BREAKFAST! GET A FUCKING GRIP!!!)

WASHINGTON, DC

Nattie and Rosa's Rental Car
Rosa is lamenting that she hasn't heard from Nate and says that maybe she came on too strong. Nattie tells her to take it slow, after all she and TJ didn't get married for more than a decade after they started dating. Even then, they don't have a perfect marriage. (MATT: That's reassuring.)

MOBILE, AL

The Shephard House
Jon wakes up and tells everyone they must get out on the road as their schedule is off.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Daniel and Brie's hotel room
Brie shows the yellow dress to her husband and says she made Nikki buy it for her as he was so concerned that she spends too much. (MATT: Guilt Trip Mo--er, BRIE MODE!) She says she is careful with money and always has a plan and he disagrees with her statement. She says she needed to have a new outfit for the red carpet. He says that is the stupidest thing he's ever heard of. The dress just does not say red carpet to me. (MATT: This whole storyline says "spoiled brat" to me.)

Teen Choice Awards - Red carpet
Brie is interviewed and gets to say she is wearing vintage Dolce Gabanna. (MATT: And nobody of note cares.) Daniel is wearing a regular shirt. in their rental car. (MATT: You mean "ONE FROM HIS CLOSET THAT HE'S ALREADY WORN???) Daniel says he kind of gets that dresses are important for her branding. He says he's not always the one in the right -- maybe 95%. And they joked their way out of a fight, love it. (MATT: And another important marital issue is swept under the rug! Awwww...)

ON THE ROAD

Truck Stop
Jon and Eva Marie argue as they are buying souvenirs in the truck stop and he wants to round people up. He says she didn't do anything for the move besides throw some boxes. She walks off to find the rest to get everyone ready to go.

RICHMOND, VA

Lesbian Bar
Sick of not being able to connect with men, Rosa decides to take Nattie to a lesbian bar. (MATT: WHAT?! Didn't Nattie tell her to fuck off and not try this shit TWO EPISODES AGO???) Nattie tells the camera that Rosa should not even be in a bar. Rosa kisses another woman in front of Nattie. (MATT: And it's like watching Biff Tannen trying to kiss Lorraine in Back to the Future Part II.) Nattie talks to a girl about vitamins while Rosa flirts. (MATT: This does not shock me. Seriously.) Nattie tells Rosa to keep the "mouse in the house". Rosa says she will but implies she will still kiss other girls. (MATT: This wouldn't turn on a 7th-grade Sex Ed class.)

NORTH TEXAS

U-Haul
Eva yells at Jon for sighing under his breath. Eva says he's being passive aggressive. Cameron tells them to be calm and Vinnie yells at her for butting in. Soon, Vinnie and Cameron are arguing. (MATT: Is it me, or are all the men on this show controlling, misogynist dickheads?)

SAN ANTONIO, TX

Restaurant
Eva Marie and Jon are arguing as they sit together at a table for two. (MATT: Can we stop the episode so I can leap off here or...?) He says they should get rid of the U-Haul and hire movers and take flights to get to where they are going. Jon said he knew that was going to happen. (MATT: Why they even tried this in the first place is beyond me.)

U-Haul
Jon apologizes to everyone in the car. Eva tells everyone that it's quitting time. They all make up. That was quick.

RICHMOND, VA

Nattie and Rosa's Hotel Room
Nattie asks what last night was about. Nattie went home early and Rosa stayed out till 5 am. Nattie tells the camera she is worried about Rosa relapsing. Rosa says she's more into guys, but she has been with women before. She claims she's freaked out by guys and every relationship she's been in has had abuse and pain in it. Nattie says some people in her life have had substance abuse problems and they are trying to fill a void with drugs. Nattie says the most important thing in life is a human connection, more important than money, a championship, so if she connected with that woman she kissed, so be it. Nattie agrees the woman has a nice rack, Rosa says she also had a nice butt and that she will call her. (MATT: 59 minutes into the show, and we finally have something compelling to watch.)

Weekly Wrap-Up

Danielle

This week's hug goes to: Brie - She loves her husband, but she has to hide her spending from him as he's literally tracking every purchase she makes. That's just sick. Matt and I have a joint bank account, also, but we don't track each other like cyber stalkers. Prudent couples trust each other - and realize some discretionary free spending should be encouraged.

This week's punches go to: Daniel and Jon (tie) (for the first time ever both to husbands of Divas and none to Divas) - both micromanaged and control freaked their way through this episode, both need to trust their wives and let them be who they are instead of micromanaging them. Daniel needs to let her have some free spending money, especially when she's primary wage earner now. Jon needed to recognize that a road trip is supposed to be fun and with three people wanting to have fun on the trip, he should have just relaxed and let it be fun for all of them, himself included.

Matt

This week's hug goes to: Rosa - This was process of elimination, really. Rosa's "hunt for the one", as silly as it is, was the emotional anchor and managed to give us the only thing worth watching on the show. I know people like her and it's kinda sad to see them collapsing. The thing is, she's 100 percent correct at the end: it doesn't matter where you get your fix as long as you're not doing damage to yourself or anyone else. That's your lesson for today, boys and girls. Look for WWE to shit all over it somehow in the next ep.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week: The Bella Twins - Nikki started high the list and, really, including her in this might not seem fair...but it's more than warranted. These two are spoiled goddamn brats. You can't wear a fucking dress you've "already worn" that's "from your closet"?! Say it ain't so! I've got, maybe, a dozen nice shirts and two suits. That's it. Would I like something nicer? Sure. CAN I? No. WHY? I can't fucking afford it. Danielle said, above, that we have a joint account and that's true. We also communicate and approve purchases and work them into our budgets. Watching Brie just drop loads of cash with her husband questioning her every step of the way is warranted. When I was married, my wife used to do the same and it was something that I realized, after our divorce, she was 100 percent correct about. I was stupid for going out and living beyond our means and watching this and watching the Bellas pout, pathetically, about not using dresses when they have about 700 to choose from in their closets is fucking garbage. And not to be a Fake Concern Troll here, but there are people who don't have the benefit of wealth, so seeing Nikki turn her high maintenance nose up and approving of her sister's behavior automatically reserves a spot on this list right next to Brie. I mean, I'm not even mentioning the drunk driving or her insulting her own sister over the "only diamond she owns". Let's just stop here.

Er, that's it.