Just days away from Christmas, will WCW load their biggest syndicated show with loads of top stars just to please me? Why yes – no less than the likes of Madusa, Hugh Morrus, Big Bubba, and Hacksaw Duggan!
TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN host from the Disney MGM studios.
JOE GOMEZ and THE RENEGADE vs. HIGH VOLTAGE
Hey, I don’t remember having been promised Joe Gomez or The Renegade; this show is the gift that keeps on giving. We saw this match just last night on WCW Saturday Night, where the Renegade scored his first pinfall in ages. With momentum, don’t be surprised if it continues here tonight. We start with many hiptosses, because that’s roughly all they have. Renegade, now without facepaint, but armed with nuclear nipples, comes off the top with a … punch. Kaos fires back with a double underhook powerbomb on Gomez, and a slingshot splash from Rage gives the heels the advantage. Kaos unfortunately misses a shoulderblock, hitting his buddy instead, and Renegade comes in a house of fire, hitting them with … punches. A handspring back elbow drops Rage, but Kaos saves at 2. Gomez clears the ring, and hits a sidewalk slam on Rage for the win at 3:42. 1/2*
ELECTRONIC KARATE FIGHTERS!
HUGH MORRUS vs. LEROY HOWARD
Good to see old Leroy giving the can another kick. This is the rubber match between these two, having previous fought on the September 2 Prime, and the September 8 Worldwide. Of course, this is the equivalent of playing for pride, as Morrus swept the first two matches. A spinning heel kick takes the head of Howard right off, and he is now deceased. Morrus refuses to cover a corpse. Because it’s morbid? No, because he can stop and laugh in his previously functional face. Morrus punches him some more which seems like overkill, and starts going full Weekend at Bernies by picking him up at 2. He hits the No Laughing Matter, pins the torso at 2:57, and laughs hysterically, screaming “NOW THAT’S FUNNY!” The Howard family requests that you send money instead of flowers. *
31-minute Roddy Piper video package.
KAORU (with Sonny Onoo) vs. MADUSA
Were you aware the women’s title tournament is still happening? Well, you would if you read my Main Event recaps. You don’t? It’s a SECRET EASTER EGG hidden on my personal blog, and I’m implore you to read it to find out the latest in Lee Marshall news. Madusa beat Zero last night. It begs the question: How many wrestlers does Sonny Onoo manage in this tournament, exactly? Kaoru gives Madusa the face sitter, because she’s Japanese and they’re all sex workers you know. Madusa hits 3 swinging neckbreakers for 2, which frustrates her. Thankfully for her she’s white, so she isn’t losing. A couple of muff-presses are delivered from Kaoru. Does she know any moves that don’t use her vag, exactly? Yes – just one – the moonsault that misses by 80 feet, and the German suplex wins for America at 2:45. 1/2*
JIMMY GRAFFITI vs. CHRIS JERICHO
We’re about 3 or 4 months in to the Chris Jericho era, and I think we’ve firmly established that’s a bland crowd-kissing wiener. I would be delighted if we explored other aspects of his personality, such as his relationship with Dave Penzer. But first, he’s got to survive the wrath of Jimmy Graffiti, who hits him with a backdrop suplex. A superkick flattens the Paragon of Virtue, and a short powerbomb gets 2. Jericho fires back with Sweet Chin Music, and asks us the question that’s been on his mind since the start of the match: “ARE YOU READ-EH?” Graffiti is, and gives Jericho a jawbreaker. Chris rolls to the floor, and Jimbob misses his senton off the apron, crashing into the spinning stage. Jericho quickly finishes with a missile dropkick at 3:27. *1/2
EDDIE GUERRERO vs. PUNISHER
Ooh WCW, you know I’m a sucker for really stupid gimmicks, and this is the finest new one you’ve trotted out in months. Observe:
I’m fairly sure he’s a “punisher” in the BDSM sense. The safe word is “cabbage”, Eddie. Punisher shows off his tight bulge, and Eddie promptly grabs it to slam him. Punisher has no time for these games, he is the alpha male, and pounds away on Eddie. A standing senton gets 2, as well as an uncontrollable erection (I won’t spoil from who). A standing vertical suplex has everyone standing at attention, as Punisher gets 2. Punisher chokes Eddie out like he’s Jian Gomeshi, but he sadly forgets to turn his teddy bear’s head around first. Eddie escapes, and slams Punisher’s face to the buckle for an even 10. A European uppercut loosens some teeth, just the way Punisher likes it. In fact, this gives him a second wind, and he slams Eddie before heading to the top (rope – let’s not be gross). He chooses to assert his sexual dominance with a primal roar, releasing so much testosterone the front row is forced to change their clothing at intermission.
The momentum of his manhood propels him forward into Eddie’s awaiting arms, but it’s a trick, and Eddie rolls away. He scoots up top, hitting the Frog Splash, and scoring the pin as they lie together, out of breath, but mutually satisfied with the result at 4:14. 69 stars. Tune in next week when Punisher continues to plow through the family, taking on “Gory” Guerrero.
BIG BUBBER (with Jimmy Hart) vs. “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN
This is your main event. Without checking my archives, I have to guess that this is roughly the 98th match between these two in 1996. Heenan wastes no time in laying into Duggan, so Tony stands his ground and tells Heenan if he says one more word, he’s going to invite Duggan over the announce booth with the 2x4 and tell him what he said. Heenan: “That’s fine, the next time the Faces of Fear come out, I’ll tell them what YOU said about where they come from.” Tony: “I didn’t say that!” Heenan: “I don’t care, I’ll make it up. Besides, I never said anything bad about Duggan, I just tell the truth.” Tony: “Forget it.” Bubba works a headlock, so Duggan goes to the kidney punches to scoot loose. A hair toss has Bubba clutching his scalp, and Hart stops to point out the giant bald spot on the side of his head to the referee. The referee doesn’t believe a word of it. Duggan delivers an atomic drop, and slam Bubba, setting up the 3 Point Stance. Hart gets involved, and Bubba jabs the megaphone to Duggan’s midsection drawing a DQ at 2:32. The heels celebrate while Duggan’s doubled over, but I’ve played this game before. Sure enough, he grabs his 2x4, and chases the heels off. Bubba forgets his hat and glasses, so Duggan puts them on and marches around the ring until Bubba comes back to claim them. Duggan smacks him in the face with the board, and calls out his hoes. *
Next week: Konnan, Big Bubba, Mr. Wallstreet, Galaxy, and Ciclope! Okay, I’m a little jazzed for the last two. Tony signs off with the obligatory 470 word soliloquy to Roddy Piper, and we’re out.