Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 12 - "Baby Not On Board"

In our last episode:

• Paige was introduced to Nattie who decides Paige is her new BFF because reasons. Paige encourages Nattie to go to a party then plays a mean prank on her: she tells Nattie that the brownies she ate there contained Marijuana, causing Nattie to freak out and fabricate a car accident in order to delay a (MATT: conveniently-timed) drug test by WWE. Paige later confesses. Somehow, they're still BFF's.
• Nikki learned Brie, JJ and Kathy had spoken to John Cena, causing them to break up. Upon learning the truth, they got back together and Nikki stayed mad at Brie although she forgave her family.
• Yet, oh, so coincidentally, the twins get a story line where they are at war with each other in WWE. Brie even gets booked to fight Stephanie McMahon at Summer Slam.
  

Century Link Center in OMAHA, NE 

Backstage

Paige sees Big E and jokes he isn't wearing underwear under his shorts. She chest-bumps him a few times, touches his pecs and jokes how she hopes it’s not sexual harassment and then slaps his chest, plays with his pecs and makes them bounce around.

(MATT: A simple description and picture doesn't do this justice...)

 
TITLES. 

(MATT: Heh...titties.)
It says "TITLES".
(MATT: Whatever...) 

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Eva's Car

Eva Marie and Cameron are in a car, on their way to a fertility doctor Nikki referred Eva to. (MATT: I swear, Cameron is playing the role of JoJo and WWE is hoping we won't notice.) Now that they are married, Jon wants to her pop out "a whole football team".  

Jane Frederick, MD Office - Fertility Clinic

Eva reveals that she developed a cyst and has a heart shape uterus. Eva says they aren't trying to have a kid yet and seems very apprehensive. Cameron tells the doctor that, eventually, they'll have a little "mixture" running around.

(MATT: And, with that assessment, Eva's reproductive system shuts itself down for good.)

The doctor wants to see how fertile Eva by running a lot of tests. The doctor does an exam with Eva in stirrups and tells her someday she will be that position, giving birth. (MATT: "Or you're sterile and my words will be heard in your nightmares for years to come!")

OMAHA, NE - CenturyLink Center for WWE Main Event

Backstage

Brie is backstage, talking with Joe Hickey of WWE Product Development. She tells the camera that they've been waiting for Bella merch for so long and now, they've finally got it. She adds that it's a little weird as Nikki isn't talking to her but they must stay professional at their workplace. But, instead, Nikki decides to get real personal and, risking the merch deal, asks the merch guys if they have siblings and if they would betray them by going behind their backs in order to get an SO to leave them. The merch guys stay silent.

(MATT: "To be honest, I just came here to sneak a look at your cleavage every few minutes...")

Meanwhile, for no discernable reason whatsoever, Reverend Jesse Jackson is backstage. The twins meet him and get pictures. Brie tells the camera she wishes he would preach love to her sister.  

Following this, Brie confronts Nikki and tells her that she's acting unprofessionally. Nikki basically defends herself with the equivalent of "no, you." (MATT: Jesse Jackson didn't help heal them? What a surprise.) They storm off in opposite directions.

Paige is backstage, wreaking havoc as she tends to do. (MATT: She rams a service cart into JoJo "Living Bigfoot Sighting" Offerman, who's also backstage for no discernable reason.) Paige also runs into Alicia Fox who introduces herself to the show. She gets a long promo in which says she was the first African-American Divas champ. She describes herself as "a complete nut". (MATT: Despite the fact that she's nothing like that except for recently.) She want to know where Rosa is as they are "friends". Paige and Fox make fun of Rosa’s dance steps.

Ringside
Fox and Paige watch Layla and Summer Rae take on Natalya and Rosa. In a completely puzzling moment, Paige says she misses Nattie -- then says, "I just saw her two seconds ago. And I miss her today." And Alicia just giggles because she's "fun". Rosa tells the camera that "everything is looking up lately". (MATT: Here comes the Hand of God to smack her back down in 3...2...) At one point in the match, Layla pulls Rosa off the mat, pulling at her trunks -- and ends up accidentally exposing Rosa's bare ass to the crowd. (MATT: I covered this in my Main Event recap for this episode. If I'm not mistaken, you actually saw nothing because WWE Network has all their stuff on time delay in case things like this happen. The screen went to black when Layla reached up to grab her and picked back up once Rosa was on the ground. I don't understand WWE censors. They don't want you to see it then -- but they will let you see it later. Pick a lane.) 

Backstage
Rosa joins them and she hopes Layla, Rosa and Paige will reassure her that barely anything was visible, Instead, they brag about seeing her ass and allude to possibly seeing her vagina had she been bending over. Rosa begins to sob as Paige and Alicia laugh their asses off and speculate that Rosa could lose her job as it’s a PG show. (MATT: How does somebody get fired because something was done to them? That's like one of my co-workers getting fired after I punched them in the face.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Javier's (Restaurant)

Cameron is so happy that Eva and her husband are back in California. Cameron pushes her asking if they will raise kids here. Eva's a little unhappy that Jon wants a big family because she doesn't want kids at all. She doesn't want to go through the fertility treatments or go through pregnancy. “I freak out over water weight having a baby in your gut is just a lot.” Also, they are both just starting career-wise and she wants them to soar before they start a family. (MATT: So, no kids because she's vain and won't be on WWE television? How's that any different than now?) She hopes she is infertile so she doesn’t have to say anything to her husband. Cameron gets her to admit she has been lying the whole time about wanting kids. Things moved so fast in their relationship there isn’t time to talk about it she tells the camera. Eva is so blessed, she starts crying. (MATT: Quick! Somebody find Paige and Alicia so they can laugh at her!)

WICHITA, KS 

Gym

Rosa tells Alicia that she has 25,000 more followers and 11,000 more Instagram followers because of the bare ass reveal. She has a plan: to have another "wardrobe malfunction" which "accidentally" exposes her boob. (MATT: Even Alicia Fox calls her nuts, which is almost equal to the scene in Return of the Jedi when Darth Vader realizes just how sadistic the Emperor really is.)

FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN 

Backstage
Naomi is talking to Alicia backstage. Naomi says Vince saw her near-naked. Naomi laughs about it. Brie appears out of nowhere and is wearing a Brie Mode shirt. Conveniently, Nikki happens to walk by. Brie asks her when their spot is. Nikki ignores her and Brie explains to Alicia and Naomi that Nikki's still mad at her. Nikki tells the camera that Brie "nearly ruined her love life". (MATT: For all of 48 hours.) She tells Brie that she has no time for "a back-stabbing bitch".

Ringside - Nikki vs. Naomi
Nikki gets in some great shots and tells the camera that, throughout the latest break-up scare, she's been "very professional". Nikki says that she is still mad at Brie and wants to take out her anger on Naomi in the ring. Nikki wins easily.

(MATT: Very professional...)

• Like the time she almost killed a mutually-lucrative merchandise deal by discussing personal matters in front of the merchandise production team.
• Or calling her own sister names in front of two Divas just because Brie didn't know what time they were supposed to head to the ring. 
• Or nearly destroying Naomi for realz because she was "angry". 

Backstage 
Brie wants two minutes with John Cena. (MATT: That probably isn't the first time Cena's heard that from a woman.) He gives her two minutes. Brie says it seems like she is always apologizing to him or asking a huge favor. Cena: "Or...trying to ruin my personal life." She tells him that Nikki is still mad at her and wants his help in getting him to forgive her. He explains to Brie that she needs to start by understanding how Nikki feels: had the positions been reversed and Nikki asked Daniel Bryan to lunch to ask him to divorce Brie, she’d feel resentment even if Nikki apologized. John wisely tells her to give Nikki some space. (MATT: Sage advice. Either one of two things is true here: 1) All the women on this show are vapid airheads or 2) they're pretending to be vapid airheads because Vince told them all that MEN do all the smart-talking and explaining on this show.)

Rosa and Alicia’s hotel room 
Rosa is showing a few outfits and how she should have a wardrobe malfunction by exposing her breast. The girls bounce and wrestle on the bed. They practice their moves and how there could be the wardrobe malfunction though blurring out her breast – sorry Matt. (MATT: No need. That's the highlight of the show, censors be damned.) In a weird moment of mental sobriety, Rosa is forced to look at the likely consequences of her actions, which would probably include the both of them losing their jobs. They decide it’s a bad idea but Rosa is happy she gets to hang with (MATT: And get felt up by) her friend. She wishes the other girls would get along with her. Alicia says she shouldn’t let it get to her. Rosa reflects to the camera on how she doesn't get why the girls don't like her. (MATT: Then we see a montage of all the times when Rosa acted like an ass to the other girls, capped off with a clip of her spinning tales to the Divas about her "nervous vomiting" issues. Even the editors can't stand Rosa.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Eva Marie and Jon’s house 

Eva is wearing a bikini and looking at herself in the mirror. She's grossed out at how she looks but Jon (MATT: Who lays there, in bed, looking like he's ready to tap it, caveman style...) tells her how hot she is. She says she wants to lose 15 lbs. He asks about her fertility results and when they'll have them. He says it isn't a big deal. Worst case scenario, they adopt some kids. He has them pray that they can have “little miracle babies”. (MATT: Ok...in "Eggs Over Freezing", Jon tells Eva he won't switch his religion. This, despite the fact that he's Christian and she's Catholic. I know that Catholicism is pretty much the slightly smarter, yet still mostly naive, brother to Christianity...but you're telling me that he couldn't have converted to Christianity for one fucking day? The show made it sound like he was Buddhist or Atheist or Agnostic or some other thing. I'm tellin' ya'...this fuckin' show...)

PHOENIX, AZ 

Mama Bella’s House

Brie comes to see her mom and brother so they can discuss the Nikki and Brie situation. (MATT: They didn't learn from the last three disastrous meetings between the three of them?) She tells the camera that Nikki can hold a grudge for a long time. (MATT: Then, they drink shitloads of wine because that's gonna make it all better.) Kathy says she should call Nikki to "check her temperature". Brie kinda agrees and says if they told her there was red wine, she might come over. She says they should "splooge" on Opus One. Kathy makes fun of her for mispronouncing the word "splurge". (MATT: And we turn a serious situation into a "heh, heh, she said penis" moment.) Kathy calls Nikki on speaker phone and tries to smooth things over. Nikki finally realizes the call is on speaker phone though she lies to Nikki that she is alone. (MATT: And, of course, Nikki has the brain of a fucking fly and totally buys it.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

HRC Fertility Clinic 
Eva's torn. She wants her tests to come back clean because that means she's healthy. On the flip side of that coin, if there's something wrong, then it will be easier to let Jon down. The doctor did, indeed, find a problem: a septum in her uterus, which is a piece of skin growing in the wrong direction that can be easily corrected. But, she still has good eggs and will easily be able to have a child. Now she has to tell Jonathan that she doesn’t want kids.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Target Center for Monday Night RAW 

Backstage
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations, calls Rosa over to talk to him. He tells him he knows she was planning a "wardrobe malfunction". Because of this, he's also not sure he should believe the original "bare butt" incident was an accident. (MATT: This was so, so awkward and amusing. Carrano could hardly keep a straight face during this "talk"...especially when he utters the phrase, "bare buttocks".) Rosa asks who told him but Carrano isn't telling. (MATT: Shouldn't it be obvious, you fucking twit?) He tells her that she's close to rising to the top and if she wants that big push, she has to play by the rules. 

Rosa's pissed and confronts Alicia about this. (MATT: Well done there, Sherlock. Your skills of deduction are unmatched.) Alicia said she never told Carrano but was telling the other girls. Rosa: "OMG, I knew it!" (MATT: Get paranoid, Rosa!) "They're always trying to screw me!" (MATT: GET REAL PARANOID!) Moments later, all is forgiven. (MATT: Thank jeebus. My heart was in my goddamn throat over here.)

SAN DIEGO, CA 

John and Nikki’s House 
Nikki says she is not going to the "big cousin dinner" that her family does once a month. All the cousins will be there except for four and it’s close to where they live. Cena really wants her to go and tells her he will go if she does. 

LOS ANGELES, CA

Eva Marie and Jon’s House 
Eva tells Jon that she went to the doctor and that, yes, she can conceive but it’s not what she wants to do. He thinks she means right away; she corrects him that she doesn’t want kids at all. She says she doesn’t have the maternal instinct whatsoever. Jon says he wanted a "basketball team". (MATT: Maybe it's just me...but telling a woman you want to birth as many children as it takes to field a professional sports team doesn't help things...) He asks why she would even want to marry him if she knew that he wanted children. He says she can’t be all about family as she says if she doesn’t want to have a family. She says she never really wanted kids she just kind of went along with it. He said if she has communicated it in the beginning then he would have known what he was getting into.  He says she lied to him and he’s so mad he’s going to go work out. (MATT: "I'm gonna bench-press the HELL out those weights!") Assuming this storyline is real, I think Jon could get an annulment pretty easy in California, citing fraud.

SAN DIEGO, CA 

Barley Mash (Bar) 
It's Bella cousin night and Nikki says she loves family time and won't let Brie ruin that. So, Nikki says hello to Daniel and Brie, then turns her nose up at Brie and immediately goes to hang with a few other cousins. (MATT: Way to "ruin" things, Brie.) Brie watches as Nikki chats with other family members. (MATT: Then watches as Nikki asks the bartender if he's ever stabbed his twin brother in the back.) Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan's wearing a trilby hat. (MATT: Oh, dear lord...)

(MATT: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!)

Brie says she's "apologized" for the 27th time this episode. One of her cousins asks why they can't just get along. So Brie approaches Nikki and says she wants to talk. Nikki tells her the same shit we've heard from Cena and Nikki in the last two episodes. Brie explains that she was in the wrong and that she was only thinking of herself. She won't do it again. Nikki explains that it's gonna "take her time". (MATT: BECAUSE THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE!!!)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Orange County Crossfit (Gym)

Eva Marie has arrived to speak with Jon. (MATT: And to wrap up yet another storyline that had no suspense to begin with.) She convinces him to come to the car (MATT: ...so she can blow him...) to talk to her. (MATT: Same thing.) She says she should have told him the truth but she was scared to lose him because she fell in love with him that fast. He says had she told him back then, he probably would have married her anyway. However, she took the decision away from him, post-marriage. She starts crying and says she can’t be the kind of Mom she has. He says he thinks she will eventually get in her mind that she wants to have kids (MATT: WHAT?!) and then they will be popping out kids left and right.

And, with that, this episode's done.

PUNCHES AND HUGS  

Danielle 

This week’s hug goes to...Alicia Fox: Rosa has only one friend. I guess. And I’m not even sure she can trust her. She thinks that she has to practically be nude to do well in her career and it backfired so hard, that the time she had a legitimate wardrobe malfunction, the execs couldn't trust her due to her future plans to fake one.

This week’s punch goes to...Eva Marie: You don’t flip-flop about having kids in a few minutes, especially when someone is trying to talk you into it. She lied to Jon simply by not telling him she didn’t want them and, yes, that is lying by omission. But you also don’t decide, "Hey...maybe I’ll have a change of heart."

Matt

This week's hug goes to...Paige: This is kinda sad. Paige's addition to the show was most likely meant to elevate this show's plummeting ratings. And Paige is like the Honey Badger: she don't care. She's like a Gremlin. A cute Gremlin. One that slaps man-boobs and runs over washed-up former Divas with service carts. She treats this show like a joke. And it is a joke. In fact, for myself, writing this section of the recap is a lot like Jerry Springer giving you the "What Did We Learn" segment of his talk show: I can't even take half of what I see seriously because it's so unbelievably phony and, so, I just write bullshit to fill space.

Most Annoying Cast Member goes to...Nikki/Brie: I'd put Rosa here but I like boobs. I like Alicia and Rosa wrestling in bed so that we can see some boob. I like how Rosa is a gigantic sexual predator who hits on anything that moves and she hasn't been fired by WWE. And she's gonna do it again: they already showed clips of her making out with Paige, so we have that to look forward to. But, I have to say that Nikki and Brie's "angle" is so fucking awful. Every scene is "So, I'm mad at my sister because she ruined my love life", followed by, "I totally apologized and I just want my sister back", followed by "You're a bitch, Brie", followed by, "I tried to apologize"...and it just keeps going in circles -- AND IT STILL ISN'T RESOLVED.




Er, that's it.