Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 13 - "Twin Leaks"

(NOTE: This may be the last of this type of formatting you see on this report. We may try something new next week. Otherwise, we hope you enjoy this week's recap!)

Last episode...

• Eva Marie went to Nikki's fertility doctor to find out if she could have kids. She found out to her dismay that she could and then confessed to her husband Jon that she didn't want kids. He managed to convince her that someday she might because only his opinions matter.

• Nikki blames Brie and pretty much only Brie for going behind her back and confronting John Cena about his desire to not get married, leading to their breakup, even though her mom and brother also participated.

• Rosa has a wardrobe malfunction and her butt gets flashed to the world at a match. She's horrified, then delighted by all her new Twitter fans, so she and Alicia Fox rehearse how she could flash a boob at a match. Even though it's all talk, it gets back to management who threatens to fire her then relents.

(MATT: If you weren't convinced that Vince McMahon was a juvenile old perv, the title of this episode should fully convince you of that fact.)

KANSAS CITY, MO for Monday Night RAW 

Ringside/Backstage
Brie is in the ring with Summer Rae. Backstage, the other Divas criticize Summer and even Nattie can't say Summer has a good heart without laughing. They do admit she has gorgeous hair (MATT: So, Summer's got that going for her...which is good.) and Alicia just says, "I can buy better hair". Nattie dances with Alicia to celebrate Negativity while Paige refuses to make fun of Summer because Summer was "the only one that was nice to her when she first arrived". Instead, she gives Nattie the finger.

TITLES 

MIAMI, FL

Cena's regular gym
John and Nikki are working out. As they enter, he asks if she's cold as her nipples are poking out through her workout outfit. (MATT: 1 minute, 47 seconds for the first boob joke. They're slipping.) Nikki doesn't want to work out as she just got a facial and I'm sure Matt has a dirty joke for this. (MATT: Working out after having your face made up is NOT a joke, Danielle. Also...heh...splooooge.) John has to insult her by telling her that she isn't strong. So, Nikki flexes her arms.

(MATT: And she can probably kick my ass. That's disturbing.)

To prove his point, Cena grabs a heavyweight plate -- and throws it at her. Nikki ducks in understandable fear that she's about to have a broken arm and two broken feet to go with them -- but it turns out the plates are plastic, not metal. Cena and his trainer, Rob (AKA "This Fuckin' Guy"), just laugh.

(MATT: "Abuse is HILARIOUS!")

Out of nowhere, Nikki says that she can beat John in a race. Cena begs to differ and says that he doesn't even want to prove he can win because he doesn't want to embarrass her. Nikki tells the camera, "HEY! I'm good at things, too!" (MATT: Man...sex with her better be fucking great because I don't think I could tolerate Nikki for more than four seconds before walking out of the room.) This Fuckin' Guy says that they should have a contest to determine who is the better of the two by doing a "decathlon". Nikki says that sounds fun but it shouldn't include an IQ test because she'll lose, saying, "He knows bigger words than me!" (MATT: Make that REAL fucking great.) Rob will set it up for them.

LOS ANGELES,CA

Eva Marie and Jon's apartment
Eva gets out of the shower and tells Jon that her breasts feel different. Jon feels her boobs. He tells her that he feels lumps. Dr. Obvious tells her if her silicone ruptures, it would be a nightmare. She tells us this is the worst possible time in her career for a medical issue because she's "finally getting a big push" and "has momentum". (MATT: Just take Eva's word for that.) We cut to clips of her career including her winning the WWE Divas Champion -- oh wait, she's never won that. (MATT: We no longer need my comments with snark like that.) He wants her to see a doctor ASAP, she's scared.

LAS VEGAS, NV - UNLV Thomas & Mack Center for Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Big Show tells Brie that her Brie Mode shirt makes her look hot. Show says that if he wore a shirt like that, he'd look like the Michelin Man. (MATT: Then Show turns heel and punches Brie in the head.) Somehow, Brie works in the fact that the shirt is the same color as the blood when she's on her period. Big Show doesn't want to hear that and neither does Heath Slater who's just there for the sake of saying, "Yeah, Brie. Gross."

Ringside - Paige vs Natalya
It's a normal Divas match until Paige gets weirdly aggressive, heavy-breathing on Natalya, licking her cheek and just acting like a sexual predator.

Backstage
Natalya confronts Paige about her in-ring behavior. Paige channels her inner Alpha Jock and says, "Oh...you didn't like that?" (MATT: Natalya, however, has her beat with the weirdest thing I've ever heard come out of a woman's mouth: "If I were a guy, I'd love it." I swear, this whole show is culminating in Nattie discovering that she's gay and she's been fighting it for a long time.) Paige tells her that she won't do it again. mockingly asking, "Ok, pumpkin?" Nattie walks off in a huff.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Bedford Surgical Center
While waiting for the doctor, Jon puts implants in his tank top, then jiggles them around and rubs them on Eva's face. (MATT: This makes the pot brownie storyline look well-nuanced.) Dr. David Kim comes in and asks Eva what is going on. He says she has too much tissue at the bottom of the breasts and, as they are 9 years old, there could be a leak. He says it would be 2 to 3 months of down time, following surgery, until she could go back in the ring. They do a blood test to determine if they are in fact leaking.

Random Hotel Restaurant
Nattie tells Cameron and Eva that Paige wrestled with her in a sexual manner. The girls tell her to let her be herself. (MATT: Yeah, Nattie. Sexual harassment is COOL!) Nattie says that sexualizing things isn't good -- then, in the same sentence (and in front of everyone), says that she has better breasts than Paige.

(MATT: Fucking hell...there's 30 more minutes of this bullshit...)

Eva looks like she is going to cry the whole time as it's clear she is thinking about her problem and not Nattie. (MATT: Maybe Nattie could cheer Eva up, then simultaneously declare that her breasts are better since they don't leak.) Meanwhile, Rosa and Alicia have arrived to join the girls. Rosa remarks that she hopes to see Paige -- and hopes that Paige is wearing a short skirt. The two join the table and Paige, immediately gets Grinchy Evil, telling Nattie they will be grappling soon. Paige rubs her chest on Rosa who loves it. (MATT: And she's not even a guy!) Boobs are complimented and fun is had -- but Eva gets a call from Dr. Kims office and leaves to take it. Eva is devastated to hear that her blood has tested positice for silicone and that she will need surgery to fix that. (MATT: And this is so terribly scripted. The phone is set on speaker. It's a wonder the rest of the restaurant didn't hear the call.) Since when do you get a bad diagnosis like that over the phone?

SEATTLE, WA for Friday Night SmackDown

Backstage
The girls are discussing photos. Nattie takes a photo with Nikki. Nikki  hits the Terrible Bella Segue button and says she and John take lots of pics together and that they're having a competition. The girls, however, think she's going to lose. Nikki is upset that they don't agree she will win because girl power. Nattie asks what Nikki's going to make John do if she beats him. Nikki, in a moment where you know she can't win, says she has no idea.

Ringside - Eva Marie vs. AJ Lee
Eva wins the match and tells the camera that she doesn't want to take off time with her career taking off do to. You know, with all that "momentum" she has.

TAMPA, FL

John Cena's car
They are going to the Grand Prix for their first event. Nikki says she is going to win every competition. Nikki says she wants a trophy if she wins. He suggests a hive of friendly bees so they won't kill her. (MATT: Nah, that's just John's passive aggressive way of saying that he wishes he could murder her.) He wishes her luck. They shake hands, then they fondle each other.

(MATT: I have a feeling this will be far more entertaining than what we're about to see...)

Grand Prix Family Fun Center
Nikki and This Fuckin' Guy are out front, waiting for John to come out of the restroom. When he does resurface, he's dressed like a ninja that couldn't find his face mask.

(MATT: I have to keep posting pictures because, otherwise,
you won't believe a goddamn word we're saying.)

They go to race. He crashes his car into hers on purpose so he can win. Nikki is horrified that he cheated. (MATT: I count this as a Cena heel turn.) She says he's a cheater, gives him the finger and storms off. (MATT: It's her fault. She should have used the blue shell when she had it.)

TAMPA, FL

Grand Prix Arcade
It's time for mini-golf and, accordingly, Cena shows up in a golfing outfit complete with spiked shoes.

(MATT: Even MS Paint is telling me it's tired of screen-capping this shit.)

Nikki is just beside herself and says that he's being silly, then says that Cena is already cheating because he's wearing spikes, which aren't allowed in "Goofy Golf". (MATT: At this point, Danielle actually stopped the show and said, "This show is awful. It's just awful." I swear to Jeebus.) Nikki asks Rob if what Cena is doing is illegal.

(MATT: Don't ask Rob. He's only here because Cena's paying him.)

Cena has his own professional-level putter and Nikki accuses him of cheating again. He then goes on to beat her in the batting cages and heckles her. He wins handily at skee ball at well. She complains on camera that he isn't taking this seriously as he keeps wearing various outfits and making fun of her. (MATT: Yes. Cena's not taking Go-Karting, Goofy Golf or Skee Ball seriously.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Eva Marie and Jon's house
Eva doesn't wanna carry shit down the stairs so she throws things from the second floor to the first to save time. He tells her that the house is not a treehouse. He asks when her surgery is so he can get time off, then is dismayed to learn that she cancelled it. She defends her position, telling him that it was not a good time for her to have them taken out as she's wrestling every weekend. Jon learns Mark Carrano and the other talent reps don't even know she has this situation going on. Jon gets mad that she is again hiding things from him like she did about not wanting kids. She tells him that it's her body and decision. (MATT: To get horribly sick and die?!)

TAMPA, FL

Nikki and Jon's house
Their final event is Beer Pong and she was good at that at college. John takes this REAL serious for a change and comes in, dressed like a Frat Boy.

(MATT: Suddenly, his ring attire seems genius.)

Rob shakes his head in silent dismay.

(MATT: "I'm just gonna be quiet, drink my free beer, get paid, and go home...")

For once, they seem evenly matched. She even starts winning big time. Finally, she needs only more ball in his last cup to win. Then, suddenly, Nikki just can't get the ball in the last cup. And, much to the surprise of nobody, it's a tie game with one cup, each. Cena gets into her head, telling her she's been on one for a long time and then, eventually, he wins. Cena gets real obnoxious to the point where Nikki's had it and throws her beer in is face. Rob: "That's not very sportsman-like..."

("Rob, go to Expression #2..."

Nikki storms upstairs because, unlike Nattie, she doesn't storm off by leaving the house. Cena comes upstairs to the bedoorm where Nikki is sulking. She complains he made the whole thing into a joke. And Cena finally explains what Nikki doesn't seem to grasp: "Was it ever supposed to be serious? We did beer pong and skee ball and Goofy Golf." (MATT: "Do you understand that these are silly games or do I need to bring Rob in here to explain?") Still, she seems upset that he won everything and pouts. He says he was just trying to have fun with it and he's sorry if went over the line. They apologize to each other and kiss and makeup. Nikki tells the camera that it was all her fault because she didn't have fun and made everything too serious. (MATT: WOMEN - It's always all their fault. This message brought to you by the women of Total Divas.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Cameron's car
Eva's phone rings and it's Mark Carrano, WWE's Senior Director of Talent Relations. He tells Eva that Jon called and left him a voice mail -- but didn't tell him why he was calling. Because of this, Mark called Eva to get some clarification. Eva lies to him and says she has no idea. She calls Jon, furious, and wants him to call her back. 

Eva Marie and Jon's House
Jon comes home and she is still in PJs. She says that she's mad that he embarrassed her by calling her boss. He says he would embarrass her in front of the President of the United States if that's what it takes for her health. She keeps telling him and the camera that she would never call his work and embarrass him. He says she is putting her career over her health, which should be her priority. They get in a shouting match and Jon dubs everything she's saying and doing "stupid". Eva goes into the bedroom and slams the door on Jon.

SAN DIEGO, CA 

Nirvana Grille and Bliss Bar
Eva, Brie and Nikki are having dinner and -- wait. Nikki and Brie are fine with each other now. (MATT: Shut up and don't question it!) Nikki says she needs some carbs in her life for her "reverse cowgirl later". If she can't beat Jon (at sports), she'll just fuck him 'till he has no energy - good plan. (MATT: Besides, it's the only way John can ever justify being with somebody who thinks Skee Ball is an Olympic-level event.) Eva Marie just comes out with it: her breasts are leaking silicone and she needs them out. Nikki is visibly disturbed by this for obvious reasons.

(PICTURED: "Reasons".)

They both advise her that she should not be wrestling now. They go uber-hypothetical and speculate that Eva could injure somebody else in the ring if her boobs hurt. "If you have somebody in a body slam, and that pain hit, you could drop someone on their head." Brie explains. (MATT: Take it from a couple girls who know something about being dropped on their heads.) Nikki doubles down: "If I was wrestling with my injured shin and I had somebody up for a body slam, my leg could have broken in half." They convince her she will not be forgotten about if she takes time off. (MATT: That was awesome that they said that with a straight face.) Nikki relates the story of how she was out for five months with her shins. "I was out for 5 months and look where I am now". Eva realizes Nikki got the biggest push of her career after. (MATT: Yeah, but Eva's banging "Jon", not "John", so...) She says she will take to Carrano about it. The girls toast her getting her silicone out. Nikki jokes that Daniel Bryan called and said Brie was to pick up the bill, which, as he's notoriously frugal, would never happen.

HOUSTON, TX for WWE Main Event 

Backstage
Paige and Nattie talk. Nattie wants their match to have a good story and to be one Stephanie McMahon's daughters can watch. Paige agrees.

Ringside - Paige vs. Natalya
Paige kicks her in the back of the head and, when she is down, licks her cheek. Nattie uses her anger in the ring but Paige wins.

Backstage
Nattie yells at Paige for humping her and licking her face. Paige claims she got her mad to get a great match. Nattie agrees that Paige has a plan and maybe they can use it. Nattie: "Maybe a little light humping is okay!" (MATT: I'll take "Things a Rapist Might Say" for $200, Alex.) Nattie surprises her by licking Paige's cheek, slapping her on the ass and grabbing her boobs. Paige giggles and says Nattie is turning her on.

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Dr. Kim's Office/Surgical Center
Eva is getting her silicone out and having saline put in. She learns she can still do her photo shoot in two weeks as long as she doesn't lift anything. Eva's husband and mom are there. They joke that her mom will get bigger implants than she has.

HOLLYWOOD, CA 

Roosevelt Hotel
Eva Marie admits her husband was right: without her health, there is no career. She's woozy as she says that, sometimes, he's right. Also, her skin is really pale yellow. The twins call to cheer her up. Jon says everyone loves her to which she says either they love me or they're happy as fuck that I'm not there. Eva: "I'll take it."

HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle 

This week's hug goes to...Eva: I know what it's like to have the feeling that, if you take off -- even the tiniest amount of time to get a health problem treated -- your job won't be there. She was immature, but honestly scared and no surgery is 100% guaranteed risk free. Also, she was able to admit her husband was right, which for her was a huge amount of personal growth. 

This week's punch goes to...John Cena: While it was amusing (at first) that he had clothes for the so-called "sporting events" they had (and presumably the other six), he went over the top, making fun of his girlfriend and needlessly heckled her. You can have fun and be competitive without being an ass. Well...you can if you're not Cena.

Matt 

This week's hug goes to...John Cena: Because Nikki is a hollow-headed nut and MAIGOD, who the fuck takes Goofy Golf seriously?! And none of that storyline made any sense whatsoever. Cena made a joke out of it because the whole thing WAS a joke on several levels. He even out-Paiged Paige this episode -- and that's hard to do. 

Annoying Cast Member of the Week...Natalya: I can't hate Eva even though she's Nikki 2.0. The level of sheer incompetence over a pretty simple issue (Dealing with poison in one's bloodstream from a broken silicon breast vs. Ignoring that shit and wrestling into an early grave) is aggravating. In fact, here's another simple lesson: if you're a woman and you're wrestling...don't buy fake boobs. That may sound sexist, but considering WWE exploits these women and, in the process, has them taking risks that may damage what they're exploiting, I'd say WWE's a lot more sexist and insensitive towards women than I am. So, anyway, what I'm trying to say is that Eva's skin was yellow and she was woozy and cute. Nattie, on the other hand, didn't want to get humped. Then changed her mind in four seconds and started grabbing boob. I just can't.