Last week: Pete Lothario suffered
a crippling injury at the hands of Sid Vicious, and fans were so outraged they
called the WWF headquarters to demand to know why Jose Lothario was not taken
out with him.
THE HONKY TONK MAN draws announce duties for the second night in a
row, paired with the ever excited VINCE
MCMAHON for the go-home show before the Rumble.
HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY and JERRY LAWLER vs.
GOLDUST and MARC MERO (with Marlena and Sable)
Two weeks ago, Hunter
knocked down Marlena, which somehow has resulted in Goldust being named the #1
contender. Goldust goes right for Helmsley, but he breaks away quickly and
makes eyes at Marlena. Lawler and Mero pair off, and Mero wipes the floor with
the King. Lawler dives to his corner, and clings on to Hunter’s legs for safety
like a terrified child. Eventually he sucks it up and decides to get back on
the horse, and takes a big left from the boxer. Lawler manages to hold Mero
hostage, drawing in Hunter for a cheap shot – but Mero ducks and Lawler eats it
in the chops. Man alive, these guys are less coordinated than High Voltage.
Helmsley finally takes the tag officially, and gets backdropped across the
ring. Goldust gets the tag, and Hunter rushes to the safety of his corner,
tagging in Lawler as fast as he can. I’m downright confused by the notion of
Triple H showing that much ass against Goldust of all people, I can’t promise
my system won’t shut down and go into shock at some point during this match.
I’ve spent the last 15 years being led to believe that Hunter was the model
from which all future wrestlers would be chiselled; a god I am not permitted to
pray to as I am not worthy. All wrestlers tremble before his almighty manhood,
but yet, Goldust scares the crap out of him? Of course, I wasn’t able to tell
from that angle, but it’s entirely possible Goldust was fully erect; and Triple
H needed to make haste to save his heterosexual image. Hunter starts causing a
series of distractions with Goldust, and they’re able to double team Mero in
the corner. Mero is able to get the hot tag, and Lawler rushes to his corner
for the tag… only to see Hunter walking away. Lawler begs him to come back, and
manages to rake the eyes to stop the attack. Now Triple H is willing to play
ball, and they double team him ‘til Mero is brought back in. Helmsley pulls
Mero to the floor, and Lawler gets in a free shot with his Invisible
International Object. Because this is never going to end, we’ll need to throw
in a commercial break.
Mero is snapping off a
rana when we come back, and Goldust begs for the tag. Hunter tries to cut off
the ring, but Mero gets to the corner, and Goldust dives on Helmsley with a
ground and pound. An uppercut sends Helmsley flying backwards, and he gets tied
up in the ropes. Goldust happily advances, and chokes Hunter in the ropes until
he draws a DQ at 11:22. Mero gets in
Goldust’s face, so Goldust punches HIM. Mero stands there in shock, as Hunter
manages to squirm away. This entire match was a totally disjointed with zero
flow, and they could have lopped 5 or 6 minutes off and got to the same result
without aggravating the piss out of me. *
Earlier today, in the
Alamodome (home of the Royal Rumble, this Sunday for the low low price of much
more than $9.95), SYCHO SID stands
in the empty arena, and whispers about all the pain he’s going to cause Shawn’s
mother, Jose Lothario, and all his friends from his hometown. From the highest
seat in the roof (in the roof?!?), they’ll see the look that tells them that
Sid is the Master and Ruler of the World. I love the fact that Sid, given the
week off RAW, decided that he would drive to San Antonio a week in advance of
the pay-per-view, and stand around inside an empty arena screaming at
absolutely nobody at all. What did he do as soon as the camera turned off? Did
he just up and leave and find the nearest Sonic for some lunch? Did he tape Sid
shirts under each individual chair so he can do his finest Oprah impression
this weekend? “YOU GET A SHIRT – AND YOU GET A SHIRT!” Did he set up the ring? Did he stand in front of the concession stands, wrestling with the emotional choice of corn dog or nachos, before realizing there was nobody there? Honestly, I don’t even care for the rest of the matches tonight, I need to know
what Sid is doing.
Meanwhile, LIVE, from San
Antonio, SHAWN MICHAELS is partying
with his 300 closest friends. Vince replays all the attacks on the Lothario
family in recent months, including multiple shots of the powerbomb on Pete.
Michaels figures if Sid wants to get cheap, he can be just as dirty, because
he’s a Texan. “I’m all man, and at least a yard wide, if you know what I’m
talking about.” I’m glad he brought it up; I was worried we’d go another week
without a State Of His Penis address. Michaels reminds us that he’s the man,
and the leader of the New Generation. “Nobody can work his ass into the ground
like me!” Even from atop a cactus?
BRET HART
comes gimping down to ringside following Steve Austin’s attack last night on
Superstars. He joins the commentary team, and if he’s in a mood, he should be
fun.
THE BRITISH BULLDOG vs. ROCKY MAIVIA
Bret calls Rocky the most
promising wrestler he’s ever seen. I’ll give him credit for being a killer judge
of character, because between that stupid grin and haircut, I’d have figured he
was about 14 months shy of being feature endeavored. Bret’s sick of Steve
Austin trying to end his career, and finds that the WWF has turned into a
lawless land. As a result, he’s going to start playing by his own rules, and
vows to turn Austin’s knees into talcum powder. Rocky hiptosses Bulldog around,
while Honky changes the subject from Rocky because he’s sick to death of the
verbal fellating. Honky promises to keep a close eye on Bret this weekend,
because he’s still looking for a protégé. Bret doesn’t ignore it, because he
may need some help in this lawless land. That leads to both guys jumping on
Bret, reminding him there’s lots of rules around here. Bret: “You haven’t been
watching my matches then.” CLARENCE
MASON comes down to ringside to fire up the Bulldog and get him back in
this. Bulldog, fully inspired, gets back in the ring so Rocky can continue
working over his shoulder. That draws OWEN
HART and his Slammy down to ringside, and heads right over to Bret to show
off his award. Bret’s irritated with his annoying little brother, since things
have been so harmonious at the Hart home over the Christmas holidays and here
he is ruining things again. They stare each other down as we head to break.
Back from commercial,
Owen’s still burning a hole through Bret. Rocky gets a close 2 off a sunset
flip, but Bulldog pops up and hits a clothesline. Rocky hits a crossbody for 2,
and Bulldog turns around with a standing vertical suplex for 2. Bret promises
to win the Royal Rumble this weekend, bad ankle and all, as Rocky fires himself
up with a Flip Flop and Fly. Cactus clothesline sees them both careen to the
floor with some series momentum, and now STEVE
AUSTIN bumrushes the Bulldog. Bret stands to fight, but Owen’s got his back
to the Bulldog and has no idea what’s up – so he just keeps himself in Bret’s
way. Bulldog eats a Stunner, and by the time Bret’s able to hop after him, AND
Owen spies him, Austin’s already made his way to the back. Bulldog is counted
out at 9:13. They ain’t much on the
wrestling tonight, are they? *1/2
THE NATION OF DOMINATION are back in the locker room, and Vince asks if
it’ll be every man for himself at the Rumble. Faarooq tells him there’s no
chance, they’ll be completely unified as one.
A live shot airs of the
party in San Antonio, and I’d LOVE to know just how in the hell ROCKY MAIVIA got from New York to Texas
in the last 3 minutes.
THE UNDERTAKER vs. KONA CRUSH (with Faarooq,
PG-13, and Clarence Mason)
The Undertaker goes right
after Crush before PG-13 can even finish their pre-match rap, throwing him face
first into the steps. Off the bell, Taker plants him with a DDT, and drops the
leg. He heads up for Old School, but Faarooq shakes the ropes and Taker crashes
down right on his rosary beads. Crush charges, but Taker backdrops him to the
floor, and uses the break to shake off the ball-shot. Crush is pulled back to
the apron, but he drops down with a jawbreaker and turns the tide. A spike
piledriver gets Faarooq’s nodding approval. They move to the floor, and Taker
is gently dropped face first across the guardrail. I’ve seen mothers put their
babies to sleep with more aggression than that. VADER shows up at the top of the ramp, staring at Undertaker as we
move to a commercial.
Crush works a head vice
when we return, and the fans fire up a “JAILBIRD” chant. Vince hypes next
week’s show, which will see the winner of the Royal Rumble take on the loser of
the WWF Championship match. The fans work to rally Taker as he takes a backbreaker.
Crush heads to the second rope, which is probably not where a man of his size
belongs. Lo and behold, he misses a fist drop, and Undertaker takes over. A
jumping clothesline sets up the Tombstone, but Crush drops off the back and
hits a uranage! Crush holds his fist in the air to show off his black power,
but Taker sits up and chokeslams him quickly. The Nation has enough, and
attacks for the DQ at 8:41. *1/2
With Taker beaten down by
the Nation, Vader takes advantage, hitting a pair of Vaderbombs! AHMED JOHNSON rushes down to save,
smacking Crush in the back of the head with a 2x4 – but the Nation gangs up and
stops that fast. Faarooq smashes it over Ahmed’s back a few times as we head
off the air.
This was the end of a
taping cycle; and they did their best to hype the Rumble with what they had,
but man alive are these ever stale by the time we get to them. Thankfully, next
week is live, and it’s fantastic. Granted, it won’t feature a 45 minute match
during La Femme Nikita, but Bret Hart makes up for it. Stay tuned!