WCW Worldwide: February 16, 1997

Horsemen4ever: Didn't Sledgehammer enter WCW with a record of 9-1-1?

*Standing ovation*

The Sunday Morning Wars are starting to take over the wrestling world. While the WWF has decided to run with recaps and footage of people setting up the ring for the pay-per-view tonight, WCW is loading up the shotgun and firing out some of the biggest names available today. Do you want to see Hulk Hogan? Randy Savage? Sting? The Outsiders? OF COURSE NOT! Not when Billy Kidman, Alex Wright, Mieko Satomara, and Malya Hosaka are around!

TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN hype tonight’s main event; where the Faces of Fear take on Chris Benoit and Arn Anderson, who’s somehow found the strength to roll off the operating table and ignore his near-crippling career ending neck injury to compete for YOU.

BILLY KIDMAN (1-4-0) vs. JERRY FLYNN (0-3-0)

Tony: “Here’s a young man getting a lot of wins as of late!” ... then to send the ridiculousness into overdrive: “Jerry Flynn’s another young man with a lot of kickboxing experience.” For god sakes he’s all of 3 years younger than “up and comer” Diamond Dallas Page. Flynn decides to go the route of not selling anything for the anorexic cruiserweight. A spinning heel kick provides him plenty of time to yell at the fans. Kidman comes back with a crossbody for 2, and Flynn immediately pops up and kicks away at Kidman’s ribs. Kidman uses some sad punches to the midsection, but they’re effective. I’ve seen kids with yellow belts block more effectively than this guy, I’m starting to think that black belt might not be on the up and up. Flynn dodges a dropkick, and the former Mensa member points to his head! Kidman dodges a spinkick, and hits a tornado bulldog for 2! Still, Flynn is dazed, and Kidman uses the Shooting Star Press, where he misses Flynn completely, coming down with his forehead directly to Flynn’s nose, and Kidman picks up his second victory of the year at 4:18. *1/2

MEIKO SATOMARA (no data in 1997) vs. MALYA HOSAKA (no data in 1997) (with Sonny Onoo)

Did Dr. Harvey Schiller walk into GAEA with an AK-47 and order everybody in the arena to sign WCW contracts? There’s like 14 new Japanese women in the company, and they only appear on the C-shows. None of them aside from Akira Hokuto get any type of press or consistent television appearances, and the only way to tell the heels from the faces is based on who Sonny Onoo is photographing.  But the good news, is that despite the completely inconsistent booking, lack of distinguishable wrestlers, or storylines, WCW will be creating a women’s cruiserweight title. The sad part about this, is that I might have to pick WCW Main Event back up to follow along with this important development, because they can’t bump an Alex Wright match from Saturday Night or anything. Satomara sports the ever stylish ladies’ hairstyle: The John Lennon. She also squeals like a banshee throughout the match, despite being the face. This is a complete and total squash for Meiko, who wins with a Frog Splash at 1:15. Tony declares this an upset, but unless it comes from Mike Tenay, I’m going to treat that comment as highly suspicious. DUD

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. (2-5-0) vs. REY MYSTERIO JR. (3-2-2)

Bobby starts railing on how ugly Mysterio is, while Tony goes to defend Mysterio by saying he’s so darn good looking he’s trying to remain incognito to stop them from literally throwing their vaginas at him as he passes through their towns. Tony: “Besides, you wouldn’t know anything about being handsome!” Bobby: “….. I beg your pardon?!?” The lads start a test of strength, but that goes about as far as a test of strength between Mysterio and Chavo would be expected to. Rey escapes a headlock to hit a springboard legdrop for 2. Chavo comes back with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and heads up. His big top rope move is a 180 splash, which sounds FAR better until you realize it’s simply a guy horizontally turning mid-air. I’m assuming he perfected that move jumping into the pool as a 6-year old in a game of “hey look at this!” Rey hits the West Coast Pop out of nowhere, even though Chavo has no idea how to sell it and they awkwardly roll into the pinning spot at 3:56. Honestly, at this stage of the game, Chavo’s only a Cruiserweight by scale, and NOT by talent, because if you take away the fact he’s about 150 pounds, he’s basically a less talented Latino version of Alex Wright. He’d get way better over time, but in 1997 he’s death to watch. 1/2*

ALEX WRIGHT (7-4-0) vs. SONNY TROUT (no data in 1997)

Oh good, first the Latino Alex Wright, and now the Arian Alex Wright. Trout pounds on his shoulder, while Tony makes the mistake of asking Bobby who his favorite broadcast partner is. “Well, let’s see. I work with you here, and on Nitro. On the Main Event it’s you, and on pay-per-view it’s you … I’m sick of working with you!” Tony: “Now here’s a young man in Alex Wright who could go Cruiserweight or Heavyweight.” Bobby: “Which way do you think he should go?” Tony: “Cruiserweight actually. Where do you think he should go?” Bobby: “Home!” Wright hits a pair of European uppercuts and gets 2. A vertical suplex sets up a crossbody off the top, and Wright wins at 4:19. Bobby: “See, he can’t speak English.” Tony: “I can understand every word he just said!” Bobby: “Yeah but you’re from Marietta.” Heenan’s off the charts tonight. This match was not. DUD

THE FACES OF FEAR (3-1-1) (with Jimmy Hart) vs. ARN ANDERSON and CHRIS BENOIT (no data in 1997)

I have to figure this is Anderson’s last broadcasted match; though it was taped before his Nitro shindig with the French Canadians which was his actual Last Match. Benoit and Meng start, and Benoit rakes the eyes. Of course, he forgets that Tongans don’t have eyes, because Meng ignores the move and beats Benoit into a thick pulpy mass. Chris tries to fight back, but it’s Meng for god sakes, and one swift kick to the tooth stops that as fast as it started. Benoit tries a springboard crossbody, but Meng barely feels it as he launches Benoit on 2. Barbarian and Anderson square off next, and Arn throws a bunch of kidney punches. Barbarian stands there looking bored, until he goozles Arn and throws him to the other side of the ring. Anderson launches a desperate back elbow, and the Barbarian is dazed! For like a second, until Barbarian hits a standing vertical suplex to set up the swandive for 2. Benoit tags in and stomps away, but Barbarian just face plants him and tags in Meng. The Horsemen double team the wild man, and Meng just stands there as if to ask “are you done yet?” In a fantastic spot, Anderson kicks Meng in the face, and Meng just pops up and dares him to do it again. The second kick is swatted away like a fly, and Meng palm thrusts Anderson in the throat. Meng backdrops Arn, right into the awaiting arms of Barbarian who powerbombs him! Benoit saves at 2, which probably should have been it. Arn pops off a spinebuster from nowhere, but Barbarian kicks out at 2. Arn acts surprised; PLEASE! This man won’t be put down by your silly finishers. All hell breaks loose, and Jimmy jumps on the apron. Benoit attacks him while Arn DDT’s Meng! Barbarian retaliates with a Kick of Fear, so Benoit grabs the Megaphone and clocks Barbarian upside the head for the DQ at 5:59! Faces of Fear win!!! All 4 guys continue to brawl despite the fact this is long over, and while Benoit tries to direct traffic, Meng isn’t playing ball. **1/2

Next week: An even BIGGER card, featuring Psychosis, Akira Hokuto, Keiru, and Ciclope! Check your local listings! We out!